Behind the Fat

130.6

2011-12-07T19:50:00.000-08:00

So I think the 4 pounds was a false alarm. I went to the bathroom last night (#2 ;), lol, and this morning I was back to a weight where I didnt feel like a failure.

But man, I need some kind of a workout routine. I have a jump rope that I use for a little cardio. I just try to jump until I cant jump anymore. I have got a new job, and I love it, but it is so unpredictable. I never know when Im going to have a day off, and I work 11 hours a day! It's money that me and my hubby as a newly wed couple despreatly need, but it leaves no time for working out. I only get 1 day off a week.

So, like thanks for commenting guy's. Make's weight-obbsessed girls like me feel a little less alone in the world...

Determined!

2011-12-03T09:34:00.000-08:00

I've put on 5 pounds since getting married and my last post. Where has all my self control gone? I thought after getting married I would stop with this e.d stuff, but I guess not. I turn into a fat slob if I dont have Ana on my side. The pounds could also be because I went off my contraceptives. I hope they go away soon. But we all know that hoping doesnt get us anywhere, action does. So Im back and I'm here to stay. 5 pounds is nothing, I'll blast through them. Maybe its even water weight? It all crept up on me in like a week! Well if i can gain 5 pounds in a week, then I can lose them too!!!!

I am determined!!! >:)

and p.s i would upload some wedding pix, but im super scared of someone finding out who i am ...

nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!!!

A relief

2011-10-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

   So I actually only put on a few ounces from last nights binge/purge. Im not even up a pound! Im still 129. I'm so releived. But Im still fasting. Still going to excercise. My new goal is to be the thinnest! So no more excuses. I have to be strict on myself, if I wanna look good in my wedding dress and pictures and stuff. I want my fiance to be proud of me. Not cringe and be ashamed of my chubbiness.

   Speaking of which. Do any of you feel so numb and emotionless the morning after a purge? My fiance was like cheer-up, blah blah blah. I wasnt sad. I was very happy at staying the same weight and all. I just felt (and still do) emotionless. Maybe it's loss of energy/ because I'm fasting? That must be it...

   Ah, well, i'll try my best to atleast act happy/normal. Love you guy's!

129.3 and ummmm

2011-10-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

I was 129.3 pounds this morning! :)

Then me and fiance got into a huge fight, in which several family members got involved. But its all cool now.

I am binging on sandwich cookies right now as I type this.

Tonight I puke it all up as soon as the bathroon is free.

Tomarow I am doing a 48 hour water fast + jumping a lot of rope, because I bought a jump rope after reading that its great excercise. And other calorie burning activities. When I went to pick up my cousin from school today I felt kinda weak. I want to feel that way again sooo bad! Maybe I'll even fast longer than 48 hours, we shall see.

That is all. And thank you so much to the one and only comment that i got for my last post. Lovely Bones, I really appreciate it. Sometimes just a few words can be so helpful....

P.S = Fuck my life ,, cuz its been 30 minx and the bathroom iz still buzy and i take my fucking birth control at this time. This is the worst day ever. I cant wait to starve....:( *edit* I just got back from purging. I totally blocked their toilet. I had such a great weigh-in but this day sucked!! I hope the next 2 days in which i will be fasting will go by better ...:)

Pleasant surprises...

2011-10-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

    So yesturday I had two fiber bar's after dinner, and I was freaking out that I might have gained. The wedding is less than 3 weeks away... (Unexpected stuff keeps postponing it, which is fine by me, because that means more time to drop more pounds!).

    But, lo-and behold, I actually lost a few ounces. (Dont even ask how gassy I was through out thru-out the night and morning, omg)..lol. But now I'm fine, and very pleased with not maintaining but actually, but with seeing the lower numbers. I allowed myself a small breakfast after this.

    But man, why do I still feel soooooo fat??? Excersise. I need excersise.... I'm gunna go for a walk soon...or atleast do some yoga in my room...lol --anything to burn some calories around here.

    Thank you all so much for sticking with me, until I could see the 120's. I never thought I could even manage this, but this just go's to show that anything is possible, you just need the drive!!! I wish you all a skinny tuesday/wednesday for now, and please wish me the same in your lovely little hearts...

Ciao, for now.....xoxoxox

129.9!!!!

2011-09-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

Finally!!

Now let's see how much farther I can go. You can never be too rich or too skinny ;)

hey again...

2011-09-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

   Last morning's weigh-in had me at 130.2 pounds. That's a whole pound loss! I havent seen this number since I was 13 years old! Im 20 btw. I think it was the swimming that helped.

   I have also just started on the birth-control pill "Levora". Have any of you guy's been on this same pill? Or have you any horrible weight gain stories from other birth control pills? I've read ton's on the web >.< It's been 3 day's only taking it so far, and so far so good. I'm so scared of gaining more than 4 pounds from it, that now I've gotten super strict on calulating my intakes and making sure I'm alway's active and not on my lazy ass all day. I dont want kid's for another 7 years or so, hehehe. I work so hard too keep myself thin, I dont want to ruin it all with a baby. Just not yet.

    I'm so close to the 120's I can allmost taste it! (no pun intended). I don't even remember the last time I was in the 120's. I honestly dont. That's how long it's been...

    Had a discussion with the fiance about why my eating disorder makes me so sad, and feel like I am the worst person in the world sometimes. I even told him how I'd lost 19-20 pounds since febuary (about the time we really began to get seriouse). I told him I had even brought a scale with me across the states in my suitcase. After bearing my soul, I cried.

    Afterall, at the end of the day, I cant help but to have the scale measure my happiness for the day.

    He was just like, that's 9 kg's lost. And I was like i guess. And then he went on to blame my parent's for my eating problem's. Which is so like men. To find the source of the problem and to fix it. Fix it right away. He told me, he'd promise to love me no matter what. Let's wait and watch.

    I tried to comment back on all of your blogs. The one's on my feed, and to those lovely gal's who commented on my last post...Sorry if I didnt. It's getting kinda late here, and I'll let you all know about the wedding as it get's nearer. Yes, there wil be pictures :) Thank You all for your wishes!!!!
<3

It could have been worse...

2011-09-25T19:27:00.000-07:00

    Last night I decided I was doing really good, and that now would be the perfect time for a binge. (NOT). Well the thing is, and I know I need to work on this, is that I am a very emotional eater. My visa to another country hasnt come back yet. And if my visa doesnt come back, neither does my passport, and if my passport doesnt come back, I'm not getting married until I get a replacement passport, and no marraige, no kids, no happily ever after. Just Kidding. But seriously, they said it would only take 5 days. It has been now close to 9 days!!! So the stress built up and I binged. But I purged a little bit. As much as I could.

    I hate purging in other people's homes, especially the lovely new in-laws home.

    Well I should mention that I had had nothing but barely 100 calories all day, and was all day shopping in a ridiculouse amount of heat. Yeah yeah no excuses.

    So today, I fasted until about 3pm. Just had a snack, and aunty is making dinner. Because I dont want to hurt her feelings, I'll have to eat it. Pooey. But I just got back from learning how to swim. Yes learning. For the first time. I am 20 years old, and I am now being taught how to swim by my 5 year old cousin. We were out there for a good 2 hours, so I hope I burned some seriouse calories.

    I also learned that my BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) is about 1450 calories. That's how many calories I would expend just by being alive and staying in bed all day. Somehow, I find this hard to believe.

    Thats all for now. Love you guys <3

It's been age's!

2011-09-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

    Hi guys! Wow, I havent posted since about July 20th or so! Well, I did move out of the house, with two suitcases to another state, and now I'm living with my fiance's family, until our wedding which will be in about 2 weeks or so!!! So, I've been a bit busy, and flustered. That's why, no time to post, but I swear I have been keeping up with some of my favorite blogs, and now that I'm in a better frame of mind, I will also start commenting more too! (Yay, for high speed internet at my in-laws~!)

   Weight-loss wise I've lost a measly 2 pounds since my last post. So, now I'm 131. But I'm not sad about this at all, because this is my lowest weight that I've attained in the past through restricting! (Although last time, bulimia ruined it all, but not this time!!!)

My goal for my wedding day is to be in my 120's. I think I can do it. I have a 5 year old neice who keeps me active and an aunt who loves to shop. So I barely ever have time to eat much. Even my aunt has noticed that I dont eat much. And I'm the only vegetarian in the house as well. Ah, all the foods i dont have to eat, thanks to vegetarianism! I love it! I'm only vegetarian for diet reasons, not religous, and I guess I have a soft spot for animals too...

   I dont think I'm that thin. My niece was like you dont drink enough milk, that's why your so skinny. And little kids say the truth, even if its brutal. (Not that this was brutal, but you know what I'm saying, atleast I hope you do).

   Oh, and also, I hope you guy's like the new layout...:)

That's it for now, Love You Guys!! <3

I screwed up...

2011-07-21T10:40:00.000-07:00

But I will not repeat my mistake.

This has only made me MORE determined than before...

133.4 Plateau busted...

2011-07-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

   I've blasted through that plateau. It took an hours worth of excercise after dinner, and all your lovely comments to get past it. And I did....When I told my fiance, I woke up late because I was exhausted from my workout, he told me not to workout, and that I'm weak. Exactly. I'm weak. But not in the way he thinks. I want to be stronger. Thru control.

   So, i've also just realized, that I'm at 133.4 pounds, I am 2 pounds aways from my lowest weight. Dont get me wrong, I am extremly happy. Even my dad has noticed the weight loss. I have now lost 18 pounds, since February. Slowly, but steadily. About 6 pounds, until I'll feel anywhere close to "bride-worthy".

   One thing I've learned, through-out my struggles as a binge-eater, then binge/purger, is that no amount of whining or crying will get you anywhere. I cried a lot. I could have swallowed that whole bottle of pills that one day, when I had given up on myself. I could have. I struggled a lot since then. Always fighting with myself. Fighting with my family, with the fiance (believe me, these fights were epic). Until, I read somewhere that in order to really permanantly change anything about us. In order to get thinner, We must love ourselves as we are now, or how will we ever love ourselves, when we are thinner?

   I can now say, that I stopped reaching for those pills. I stopped fighting with everyone including myself. Instead, I decided to love that clinically over weight 151 pound girl that february month. If I hadn't, I dont think I would have able to see 133.4 and normal on the scale this morning.

But even though I may love myself. I think I'll love myself a lot more, when I'm good enough. By that I mean "thin-enough, bony enough, etc".

Take Care ladies, Lotx of luuuuuuuuuuurrrrvvvvvveeeeee (love). <3

Battle Plan: 134.6

2011-07-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

   The reason I post my weight with my title, is because I think it kind of help's keep me on track. Seeing that number, reminds me that's I'm still not good enough, and to keep me a litle more accountable, when all the readers of blogger can see it too!

Uggghhh...

   Yesturday, I binged and purged. I know, I know I suck. But it usually only happens about once a month. I was feeling so peckish. And there was icecream. And I hadnt felt the feeling of fullness in so long. *sigh* Well the good news is, is that even afer yesturday's madness, I only went up .2 ounces. Let me tell you, nothing quiet knocks you out, like an intense purging session. I slept so well, because I was exhausted. I dont plan on doing it again soon either. Old habits, they die hard.

   As for the platau, that I seem to be maintaining. I have a plan. I really appreciated your comments on my last post. They were so useful, Im glad I made that post otherwise, I would still be very anxious...!

   I think what I've been doing wrong is, going over my calories, and not realizing it. Or eating too much at 1 meal, then slowing down my metablism, by starving the resting of the day. So I will just have to be more strict. And make sure to increase my activity level.

I know what must be done. Now lets do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! p.s thats not me, but I wouldnt mind lookin like that..

.

plateauing at 134-135 ish :(

2011-07-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

The title of the post say's it all.

In the begining, the weght come's off like it's nothing, without hardly any effort.

Thus, I have concluded, that I'm going to have to start starving myself, if I want to continue seeing any sort of results....

But then I remind myself of all those tips and tricks, and exercise's there are to be utilized. And it's not really starving. It's taking control. Of your body, of your life. I hope...

Morning Update: 134.6 ! :D

2011-07-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

I hope that most, if not all of the weight I'm losing is fat, and not muscle.

Gonna do some weight training, along with the cardio today, just to ease this worry...

Today, I didnt want to put my clothes back on, after weighing myself, I just felt so sexy, in my black panty's and bra. I felt I looked good. I liked what I saw. Flat stomach, sligtly less jiggiling thighs and shoulders. Weird....

Indeed XD

135.4

2011-07-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

Whoo, I'm down 4 ounces...:P

I'm eating perfectly fine, but I always start to get super hungry in the evenings. Grrr...like I am right now. Maybe I'll have some more chai tea. Yes. Yes, I will.

So, I randomly purchased pure green tea, because I had read somewhere that it helps in weight loss. I dont know if it does or not, but I feel I've waisted my money, cuz I really dont like the taste...blegghh...

And I finally figured out to measure my vital statistics correctly, and if I have done them right, they are a very ginormous: 35-bust, 27-waist, and 41-thighs. Which also means that I have a Waist to hip ratio , or (WHR) of about 0.6, which is considered ideal, and most attractive to men. Wowza...I do have some thunder thighs ...Look the term up (Waist to hip ratio and attractiveness), I found it all very interesting.

Nothing else is new, except that I'm loving how it's FINALLY warming up some over here temprature wise..!

"That 'Someday', is not faraway, I daresay..."

So I have about 8-10 pounds until, I've reached my goal. I swear the last few pounds always are the hardest, and where I've screwed my own progress up in the past. This time, I dont want history to repeat itself. I want to cross this sort made-up "finish line" I have in my head. Of me, getting to the 120's. And more importantly, staying there.

That's all for now. Hope you all have wonderful, day's or night's, depending...:D

135.8

2011-06-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

    So, first of all thanks, on my choice of dress, and for the engagement. When I'll be in the dress, I'll post some pix of me in it :)

    Speaking of pix, I've been thinking of posting progress pictures, on my weight loss. But, I feel that I have a tiny bit more to lose before I'll do that.

    In about febuary,I wieghed 151 pounds. I am now 135.8 pounds. So, there is most definatly progress, but I'd like to tone up my arms and legs and tummy, just a tad more. Ultimate goal (for now) being in between 125-129, is when i'll post the pictures too :)

In between Febuary and July, passed 5 months. And in those 5 months I lost 16 pounds. That's an average of about 3.2 pounds a month. Pitifull, I know XD.

Hmmm...I binge/purged maybe 4 times, in all of those 5 months :D. I did a lot more excersize purging type behavior though, now that I think of it.

So that was just a lil summary, of stuff, today I cried a lot. Cuz me and the boy got into an argument. I'm proud of the fast that i didnt take my anger out on food.

Food will only make you feel worse. Not better, so think twice.

Thats it for now. I like reading your blogs more than i like actually blogging my own :PPP

Wow, its been toooo long!

2011-06-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

So, its been quiet a while since I've blogged. But Im back...

I'm also a bride-to-be...!

So we all know what this means.

GET SKINNY AS FUCKK!!! ;)

   Currently the weight is a solid 136. It had gone down to about 134, just last week, before I binged a few days back. It's absolutly ridiculouse how 1 or 2 binges, can do sooo much damage!

Angry at myself, but also all the more determined now.

   Now, it's not only about getting skinny for me, it's for my to be hubby as well. The wedding is planned to be in september, god willing everything go's ok. I'm so excited you guys!

   This blog and all the new and old people that are my followers, you guys are all so cool. I feel as if we've all been there for each other, thru good times and bad, and its just awesum. This blog is about 2 years old, and just wow...We all want thinness and happiness, and whatever all your goals might be, I hope you guys all achieve em!

   As for me. I know I gotta get to inbetween 125-129 pounds before the big day. (Though the boy love's me the way I am, and says he loves my smaller upper body, and "wide going down to the hips")

Yah, enuff said. Time to get rid of some thigh and hips!!!!!

   So far, to compensate for those past 2 days of over-eatingness, i promised myself, that I'd eat under 1,000 calories a day, for 3 days only to make up for it. Im just rounding up day two. And im slightly headachy right now, but chugging loads of water, taking my vitamins and making smart choices.

   Im not Ana, but used to be MIA, I just want to be healthy now. It's just 3 days. Then afterwards its back to inbetween 1,200-1,350 calories a day, of healthy goodness, and loads of excersice.

   For the wedding, those are my weight goals, I could always go lower, later.

   Okay, now im just rambling soo much! Just had so much to say and all. Read some comments too, from the last post. And I felt left out in this little loving community, so now im back, and im going to post everyday, or atleast try to.....

Toodledoo for now ....and stay strong!

P.S, below I'm posting a picture of what I want my wedding dress to look simular too. It's an Indian bridal dress, since im indian by ethnicity, it only makes sense... xxoo

I can work that! ;)

139!

2011-04-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so im out of the 140's again! Woohoo! Now, just 9 more pounds till the 120's.

I havent been in the 120's since, i dont know, 5th grade???? (I was one fat kid, my weight once topped of at about 187 pounds :(..lol, i've mentioned this before, but I just cant seem to get over it.)

The only problem, is that it's going reallllyyyy slow! Im only losing about a pound week. Oh well, atleast its something. Just gotta workout more this means! :D

So far clear of binges. Dont want to go their! The feeling of fullness that comes after a binge, is SOOOO not worth it....

Whilst i happened to be skyping with a freind of mine, i was sitting in the dark with a low necked shirt, and i guess the light off the computer monitor, made shadows appear bigger. And he was like "ur so skinny" and that he could "see right through my bones". I happen to have very prominent collarbones, and as I lose weight, they become even more defined. I told him that I think Im kinda fat, and he was like "God No, Ew".
He has no idea, this is just the begining...........! <3
Stay strong Lovely's!!!!

new motto: "I wanna be so skinny, that I'm never compared to a fat person again..."

2011-03-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

Catherine Mc'Neal, someone once said I looked a bit like her,, now she's my favorite model...:) (all these pix are of her...enjoy)

Stay Strong ladies, your stronger than you think are...!!!

Awards!!!!!

2011-03-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

Oh peri,,*facedesk* :D Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to pass it on to her...!

I also wanted to thank *Hazel*, over at Thinner than Yesturday, for giving me this award!!!! :

Can you believe I've just now figured out how add pictures like this? I am sloooowwww ....

Well the rules of this award, say that I have to:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift- Done! :)

2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

Here's 7 things about your's truly...:

1.) I am super insecure and possesive in relationships. And thats an understatement, just ask my boyfreind, i dont know how he puts up with me :D

2.) I was born in Canada, but raised in America, Im indian (from india), by ethnicity.

3.) I am 100% lacto-ovo vegetarian, since about 10h grade, (for religouse, moral and health reasons).

4.) I am going to be a novelist some day. Preferably one that rivals J.k Rowling and Stephanie Meyers'.

5.) I have yet to get into any type of vehicle collision, (i've had my drivers licence for 3 years now).

6.) I used to weigh about 187 pounds at the age of 13, with a height of 5'3". SMH...

and last but not least numero 7 : I plan on leaving my family in August, to marry the man I love, while leaving only a note behind. They are super strict Indian parents and would never want me in a "love marraige", especailly with a guy of a different religion. I dont hate my family but i do think that they are painfully controlling and that led to a lot of my horrible spells of bulimia and binge eating and depression. And they'll come around someday... I reassure myself that i have control this way, and that i can live as an adult (im legally an adult after all!). I'm chasing my dreams, because at the end of the day, aren't they what keep us truly live?

And now, 10 newly discovered or followed blogs that I think are awesomsauce, (in no particular order):

1.) Hazel (not really a newly discoverd blog, but rules are made to be broken). You are even stronger than me and a lot of people I know...
2.) Zette
3.) Vagabond at "The Monsters are back from the Night" they said. Then it rained sea water from my eyes.
4.) Battle in mind
5.) Lillie Flower
6.) Chubbie Cupcake
7.) A
8.) Peace Love Skinny
9.) Starving myself pretty
10.) The hungry Caterpilla

You guys rock!!!

I think this here is called a platau...

2011-03-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

Platauing and a bit frustrated.

Thanks "battleinmind", for your lovely comment...I hope too, that someday that we will all have enough confidence to stop comparing our selves to others so much ..

This is day 2 of not binging. Had a great 30 minute jog yesturday in the evening, along with the fast. (I didnt feel at all like jogging without having eaten, but it felt great!).

Life is good here in seattle, the sun is out. I wish I had a workout buddy or something, it gets kind of lonely counting calories on my own.

A freind of mine asked how i lost weight, she's just had a baby. And I told her how to count calories, etc...It felt good though. That someone was asking me for advice. Like maybe, I am doing something right. Im really not trying to become underweight or unhelathy. On the contrary, I like to think of my self as a healthy living advocate, and Im vegetarian too! lol, have been for about 5 years now...

And this post is all over the place right now, just rambly rambled ....

Stay Strong Chica's and Chico's!!! :D

Jealousy

2011-03-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

As of late, I've been more jealouse then usual. Of girls who happen to be thinner and/or prettier than me. Tell me why, I just feel so angry when I see them? No, not angry. More like frustration. So much frustration, I'm letting it get to me, grrr... Yestuday I b/ped (tottally not planned, cause I'd been doing so well, I thought one binge woud be ok. But then I woke up the next morning, I hadnt gained a pound, but there was no decent food in the house.

So we went food shopping. Saw, an eviously skinny chick with the most gorgouse chocolaty brown hair , (im not lesbian, but she was really pretty). And then immediatly started comparing her to me. She was the same height as me, but a good 25 pounds or so lighter..grrr lol...

And then, and I dont why i do this either, but I start to wonder if their so many girls better looking than me out there, my boyfreind might regret marrying me this coming august...Im scared you guys.

The pressure is too much.

After food shopping, I b/ped again. But didnt manage to purge up as much last nights, that happens. I dont care, I plan on fasting tomorow and working this frustraion off. Im also going to post, everyday, to allow me to keep track of how many days i'v gone without binging! So tomarow will be day one, and so on.

To end on a good note, my boyfreind did happen to tell me once that: "whether you believe it or not. There’s billion’s of pretty girls out there. But I only want you...."

And that is why I'm lucky.

But still, this is for my self!!! This is for skinny jeans, bikini's and bones, For enviouse glances, twords meeeeeeeee!!!!...Stay strong people!!!! <3

Im loooosssiinggg!!!

2011-03-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

It's nothing short of a miracle to me anyway...

What one of the bloggers wrote recently really got to me She wrote "Their is no such thing as big boned, thats just an excuse". I think before I was using this excuse a lot and, using my saddness as an excuse to eat. A lot of people do that. What we have to remember is that, and this is crucial:

EATING MAKES YOU FEEL WORSE!!!

And since the beggining of febuary, i have lost 9 pounds already, and I'm on a roll...
Bone's, skinny jeans and bikini's here I come!!!
We can do this!!!
ttyl...

Never Enough

2011-02-20T22:20:00.000-08:00

Never smart enough,
never good enough,
never pretty enough,
never lovable enough,
never bones enough,

to have kept you.....

Hey everyone!

2011-02-18T19:11:00.000-08:00

Guess who's back? Bwahahahaha...its me....Razzo Spazzo ...aka Raz...

So why have I been gone so long when I had said i'd be back for good?
Because thats what I tend to do. Leave things half finished.

But I am NOT going to live the rest of my life fat. Im not going to settle for a blog, that I left behind, like a forgotten dream. This dream of thin.

The weight that I had gained over the summer (because of my break-down regarding a certain job loss), Im slowly losing, (im already back down on the path of skinny again.) With a totally better job.

Because I dont want to be the fat one anymore. (I HAVE NO REGRETS, I KNOW IM A FATTASS< BUT ISNT THAT WHY WE ARE ALL HERE TO CHANGE? SUPPORT ME AND I'LL ALWAYS SUPPORT YOU GUYS.) :)

Weight Goals! (From Feb-July)

Starting weight:150

Currently: 146 ew ew ew i know :'(

Weight lost so far: 4 pounds

Need to lose (in total): 23 pounds!

More pounds to go: 19

1st: 145
2nd: 141
3rd: 137
4rth:133
5th: 129
6th: 125

Ending Weight
***Keep your weight at 125-129 …*** (i mite go lower, we'll c, i've never been in 120's since 5th grade or so. And im big boned so the weight loss does tend to make me look too gaunt/ freaks my parents out, seriously not making this up, i'll post a pic of my clavicles sometime, there huge!...)

So what has happened today? Ummm...too many cheese puffs. Other than that, i really cant remember the last i've binged and im really happy about that! I have a strong urge to purge, but i drank a butt load of water to get rid of that feeling. Have you guys ever noticed that initially drinkng a lot of warm water to the point of feeling full makes you feel super fat because it enlarges your belly?. But after its all gone (ie peed away), you feel even hungrier than before. Well before that happens im going to hit the bed.

You see, this times going to be different. This time I know my body more, understand it, and what I need to lose weight. And this blog is one of them, so thanks guys! Before and After pix will come after i've acheived these goals. This is it you guys. It's now or never.

P.S Oh, yeah did I mention im getting married in october? because the boy purposed :)...gotta getta skinny, gotta get skinny. Im going to be the most beautifull bride anyone's ever seen...hehehe...

Scary dreams that might become reality

2010-12-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

In it, nobody wanted to go out wih me, because they said i was too fat. :(

If thats not scary enough to scare you out of fatdom, i dont know what is.

On a side note. Its winter here, and maybe thats why im feeling kind sad. It could also be because of the break-up. Itproably is. Before I used to numb the saddness with food, but thats kinda dumb sooo. Im taking a multi-vitaminwith lots of vitamin D, because it's supposed to help with things like seasonal deppresion. Im feeling just so melancholy...guess its just that time of year.

Downtown Seattle in the evenings, around this time of year is so beauifull. Still have got some christmas shopping left to do! eeps....:P

So far so good. I've been following the old plan, i used to follow when i was seriouse about shedding pounds. But I'm too scared to weight myself. All in due time.

A lot of you guys are getting sick i've noticed. Take care of yourselves guys!
And thank Zette and Astone....:D

I want to know happiness again...

2010-12-21T10:11:00.000-08:00

I need this blog now more than ever.

I have BALOONED. Thanks, to breaking up and making up with my stupid boyfreind. Depression. Sadness. Plus a good frend of mine allmost convinced me to get a doctors help. But our family's insurance doesnt start until January, and I dont think I could even do that. Tell the doctor I mean. I dont want to be the broken bulimic daughter, or a freakin loony.

I want perfection. I have to get better in order to achieve my dreams. And by better i mean thinner ...

But as we all know, we cant change the past.

We can only change the here and now.

And that is what am going to do.

CHANGEEEEEE!!!!! New years is coming up again. This is my headstart week to get back into the thin game. Thinness doesnt make you cry, or break your heart, like some stupid boyfreinds do.

I love you ana, and blog, and folowers. This time i really am back...

**you can never be too thin or too rich

We'll make the night last forever...

2010-11-22T10:11:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. Wow, I finally got an oppurtunity to post! Yay..Day off finally, anyblue...I am sooo happy! Wanna know Y? It's because:

1.) Broke it off with jerko boyfreind
2.) Am single , oh yeaaah!
3.) My new job at the bakery is awesome! (Dont worry, i hardly ever have to eat anything from there.!)
4.)It's snowing n seattle!!! And the city looks gorgeouse!
5.) It's going to be black friday soon and this year were going to do lots of stocking up for our trip to india.(im indian :P).. So shopping, shoppin, shoppin here i come!!
6.) I havent binged for the longest time. I'll weigh myself tomarow.

I just feel peacefull. Reading your blogs, and the buzz of the season, is really helping me out. It's when i start feeling sad, depressed and hopless, that i start binging...Ok from now on , im not even gonna say the B-word (aka binging)...I mean, you know from now on in my posts!

Postive energy Postive energy Postive energy to you all, and lower pounds and im off to comment on all you lovely lady's now! MWAH

Back to where it all began

2010-11-12T09:03:00.000-08:00

So Im back, to my original blog...And I promise I'm here to stay, I dont know why I never felt like posting on my other new one...

Oh well, a little recap for you all. I AM FATTER THAN EVER!!!! I have balooned (about 5 pound lol, but itstill feels like to much, FAIL). Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe. But somehow I'm still persevering through all the crap I've been through since about the month of June, (when I quit my annoying job). And learned that my boyfreind isnt who I really thought he was.

Now, Im working part time at a job I adore, and am dating a much more promising hunk...;)
My desire's to end it all with a few chugs of bleach have all but gone...
I've put a lot in god's hands.
Told a mentor about my Bulimia (more like ednos)...

But I still need this blog THIS BLOG, not the other one. I missed YOU guys.

I still want to be the best I can be. As thin as I can be. From now on, I will strive for perfection. If I dont attain it, I'll atleast be a little bit better than mediocre....

Lets make our dreams come true, once and for all! :D <3
Time to catch up on your lovely blogs, i missed em!

Heyyy loverrrrsssss

2010-09-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

I thot it was tim for a new change. I went thru a lot of shit, and so i have a new blog. It's a little different. A little bit more honest. A little less coo koo, and more focused. In the middle of a disorder ,not quiet out, but not all the way in too deep either. But please dont judge me, and I wont judge you. Please follow my new blog. Or i'll follow yours. wud love the support.

Mwah...To new begginings..

http://girlsnotbroken.blogspot.com/

Ew

2010-08-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Im back, and i missed you all bunches. I cant seem to do anything right with out blogging you know what i mean? The past month or so hasjust been like : oh look im losing weight, and doing fine not binging for maybe 1 week at a time,before I screw up all that effort in one b/p session.

It's frustrating to say the least. I f-ing hate my self right now I hate the side effects that come with losing weight. But I am still all the more determined. I am super dissapointed in myself for letting you all down as of late, so i wont tell you my current weight. Buuuuut, I will tell you that I have a fool proof plan now and i will STICK TO IT!!! I have written down on my calendar precicely how much wieght i will lose every week And when I should be getting to my goal weights.

I could just continue to stuff my face from today onwards and feel sorry for myself, but I wont do that. Failure is easy, Sucsess is hard. (and spell lol). So yeah, that will my motto, y not? :D

Thanks for sticking around you guys. For a lot of you it's been a while, but at the same time when I read the newer blogs, im like wow. I remember when i had that much hope and inspiration to become thin. I want it back so bad, i cant even explain!!!!
mwaaaahh--raz

The ________

2010-07-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

I wanted the title of this post to be something like "The begining", "the promise" or "the vow. " But I've said all things so many times before, theyre begining to lose meaning. Repetitve.

What I want to say is just this: I wont worry aboutthe end result anymore, of my weight goals. But I will do what I have to do, to make sure I am never as heavy as I am now, EVER AGAIN....

That is all. See you on the skinny side, it will take a while, but I will just have to be patient.

<3 good luck to you all's as well :)

Nothing can kill this

2010-07-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

"if it easier to die than to live, doesnt it make sense to kill yourself everyday by staying alive?"- just a random thought, I wanted to share

It is self harm in itself sometimes to live, despite so much pain, and bullshit that might be goingon in our lives. My painkillers include, this blog/you guys, my little sister, freinds and a lover, and music and poetry. Although these things only temporarily ease the pain, they are enough. They are the reasons I exist.( Not that I would de without this blog or anything, but you know what i mean.) It's justone of the things that keep me going. And in a way seeing a minor success like on the scale, also helps a little, doesnt it? hmmm...

Well lately i've been losing instead of gaining, so thats a plus. Now I'm just off to read your blogs and chillax...:D

P.S- A phlebotomist is basically a lab assistant/blood and other specimen taker who works in hospitals, blood banks, clinics and the like. XD...was so surprised you didnt know, (peri lol).. But maybe they have another word for it where your from maybe...

<3

Back to normal(ish)..

2010-07-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

I have tons of GOOD news to share! First of all to all my 200 followers a biiiiigggggg huuuuuugg!!! Its not about the number of follwers really, that impresses me, but how supportive and non-judgemental you all are! Like angels :))). Okay, enough with the sappy bussiness..lol.

Secondly, I have stopped binging!!! I love it! Im not going to sleep friggin dusgusted with myself and overwhelmed with guilt anymore, its lovely. It was just a sort attitude adjustment that I had to make, you know. From , "oh woe is me, I'll never be thin/good enough", to "I've done it before, and I'll do it again, I refuse to be the fat one an longer!". So yah, it's been about 3-4 days binge free!

And, I've decided on becoming a phlebotomist, you guys! I know its not that much of a career choice, but I think that atleast it's something. I could alwaysin the future, work my self up from there. I am going to be paying for my schooling out of my own pocket! Even if my parents offered to pay, I wouldnt want them to.

Because if I become something, that I thought up myself, and actually make a good decent life for myself, I want to be able to say tomarow, that: "yes, this was my own decision, and mine alone, I helped pick myself off the ground and supported myself". Basically, it will be a declaration of my own independence, and so that they can finally see that I DONT NEED THEM!!!. Sure I love them and all , but I cant stand their having so much power over me. I can make my own decisions, and I've decided. Wish me luck guys!!! :D

Back on-topic though, I've been really slacking on the exercise >_< Muscle stretches, and simple calisthetics, tennis yesturday afternoon, but not, you know A REAL GOOD SWEAT INDUCING WORKOUT!!!. Maybe getting off blogger for awhile would help, hmmmm? lol

Okay guys, I love you and your all sweet words!!! bye for now,
Lets get sexxxyy! ;) ...

Epic Failure

2010-07-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

I just cant seem to find the motivation anymore!

I feel so stuk :(

Just had A DAYS WORTH of calories for breakfast. I am ashamed, and feel hope is lost. Words seem so empty. I am still empty inside, although not physically, unfortunatly.

Obviously I am not going to eat for the rest of the day. Going to try and exercise all day.

It's not my fault, I didnt even want to be alive this long....urrrrrggghhh.

I guess, Im just going to have to tough it out and try to find that feeling of control again.

I am struggling!!!!!! :(

yuck yuck yuck yuck

2010-07-11T00:23:00.000-07:00

eeeeeeeewwwwwwww! I disgust my self soooo bad, i cant even explain! so i wont.

I've been away awhile trying sort my shit out, and i was doing real good, until about today..:(

but here's the plan. I AAAAAAAMMM BBBBAAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKK!!!!

BETTTTAAA WAATTTCHH OUUUUTTTTT FOOOOLLLLSSS!!! (lol) tee hee

Oh yes, the plan:

from 10 saturday-all sun untill 10 on monday, no eating, (ie 35-36 hr fast!) and exercise hard to make up for 1.5 bad days! and no binging afterwards only below 1500 cals and you have to count calories!!!

I hope you alls are well, and enjoying the summer. Summer sucks for me, cuz i feel so ugly in the sunshine, but i say kiss my fattass if you dont like wat you see, slowly, and steadily, u wont even notice when I'll become the skinny beee--ootch.!!!

:D...someone's had a little too much caffeine..lol

L8r people..mwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaahhhh

a reason to be

2010-07-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

Im sorry to myself, for breaking all those promises and not even trying before givng up, each and every time.

Im sorry, mind , body and soul, for putting you thruogh this.

I just thought I could push a button, and all the pain would dissapear. Guess I was wrong. It will follow me everywhere I go.

Im not going to cosume anymore for the rest of the day. Going torture myself with buttloads of water and exercise instead. Going to run to the store and buy laxies. (I threw my other bottle away, because I thought I wouldnt need it anymore, guess I was wrong). Then I'll start over brand new tomarow.

I was always wrong. I have to listen to "her" voice. My own voice fattens me up and only brings pain and guilt, because I think I deserve it. "She", thinks there's still something left to save, as long I do as she says.
I get it now. I don't want to live in the first place. Might as well try to make the most of it and make "her" happy. When "she's" happy, Im happy. The world is happy. And things are better.
Better than they are now.

I have decided...

2010-06-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

hey guyz, sorry i've been gone so long, when i read my comments yesturday i was flabergasted by how amazing you guys are! Absolutly flabergasted. (Allmost 200 followers? whhaaaa??? huuh? ok ..lol) And during my absense, have managed to again hold on to that elusive control! (I just 10 mins ago came back from the kitchen, after fighting my fat little greedy fingers from going aywhere near the junky stuff. I am proud of myself. The weight will come by itself, I just need that control back. Keeing in mind, I am trying to be a bit healthier about this stuff I have new rules:

1.) No binging+no purging. >.< , you can eat till your comfortably satisfied, like once or twice a monh to keep your metabolism up(we are all human ), but no B/p!!! No

2.) one day fast mandatory for anytime that you binge! But you wont binge, so this shoudnt be problem. RIGHT!!???

3.) 1500 cals is your max. You can by all means eat less, but thats the limit. I calculated my bmr+my daily activity, and according to it, if i stick to this, i will always have a deficit of something!

4.) 30+ mins of exercise everyday.

Simple rules, there arent many. I'm not going to let anything get me down. Im going to get to point where I used to be comfortable sharing my weight again. Remember those times? Yeah, I want that back so bad! :D

It'll happen, give in time.

In other news, I have decided that I will elope and get married to the man I love :P!!! :D. Im exited!! not yet ofcourse maybe in 2-3 years, im only 19! He's 18 now, our birthdays are 3 months apart, so for 3 months we are the same age, untill May comes again and then Im a year older lol. I remember a conversation we had a year ago, we were both virgins x_X, and he was like "where is it written that a 17 year old (him) cant f#*k a 18 yr old? (me)" lol. AndI told him, "umm in the law books, I could get aressted for raping you! ROFL :P". But yeah, we are crazy for each other :DD (remember he's the one with the totally different religion, tee hee). We were talking one day, and to us, it only makes sense to marry the one that we are truly in love with are we right? So it only makes sense. And now adays my parents piss me off sooo bad, and my boyfreind is really well off and rich and stable already, I just want to get away as soon as i can you know?

My dad called me a mf-bI*$h. :( I've never really done anything wrong. Never did drugs, i dont have a baby like most of my freinds do already!!, I've always given up money when they needed it, I cook, I clean, Im polite, always got good grades in school, so wtf????!! I dont know why they treat me like this. My mom is so rascist, it breaks my heart. I have to get away. The day I was on my knee, holding a bottleof pills, writing suicide letters to him (the bf and my little sister), the only thing that kept me sane, was knowing how this would be so unfair for my boyfreind. He's why i didnt do it. Lol, call me crazy, but I think my idiot parents will forgive me someday. What do you guys think? hmmm.. I love him a lot!

In the mean time I have got to get rich enough, (financailly more stable), thin thin thin, (bf is thin, he's trying to buff up, it's kind a cute lol), and become more independent. I feel they are only my parents in name now. I despise them. grrrrrr....

To love!!!! :DDD <3

Not Recovery, just trying to figure it out.

2010-06-22T09:02:00.000-07:00

Well, the title pretty much says it all. I hadnt posted for awhile becuase I was out of town, in Canada to be specific. A party, drinking, binging,dancing, late nights, passing out etc etc.. (need I say more? lol). But it was super fun and Im not going to dwell on any past failure's from now on, you know.

First of all I just wanna give all you lovely people one big cyber-hug! Your comments really made me smile. So supportive :D. But I kinda wanna explan myself a little....

Recovery, is what I want eventually, someday. But I dont think I'm actually strong enough for that. I mean I guess by my last post I meant more along the lines of, "I gotta stop binging like a fatass, I'll never be thin". And more like I just gotta stop binging in response to every single f-ing problem life throws at me, you know? Food is not the answer. I wanted to recover from not only b/ping, but this sick addiction to food, i seemed to be developing.

My dream is still to be beautifully thin. Im not gonna give up on that. Ever. I'm just going take it as it comes. Right now I'm keeping it under 1300 calories a day, and lowering that as I lose. I plan on fasting, calorie cycling and so forth in the future.

I hope I make a little more sense now. You know how chaotic, this weight/food obsessed little world can get. I honeslty super-duper admire all of you have made the choice to get out of this world. But, it's just that, I can only relate too much to side of me that still dreams of perfection.

Maybe I'm just too far in. But it's ok, cause it's all I've ever known.

lots of lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee!!!!!! <3

Broken Girl

2010-06-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

I must be broken, there's no other explaination,
send me back to where i came from
i eat everyone's food, then go looking for more
Because i like to feel the pain,
I like the self-harm and torture
I think I deserve it.

Food will no longer be my drug of choice.

I've had enough of this, binging, purging, restrictig. Im done.

I found a great webcite recently, on it, were recoverer's of bulimia. They talked about how they werent always bulimics, they restrcited (were anorexics before), mia took them.

Im going to try something they call structured eating. You eat 3 well balanced meals and 1 or two snacks, and exercise a healthy amount. In other words--I want to (gasp) recover. Today I heard my own brother say, while trying on a three-piece tuxedo that "he'd lose weight", in order to keep fitting into it. After my mom had told him he's going to get larger as he grows. Coming from my brother, this really disturbed me. I want to be a good role model to them. Im older than them. I'm want to have kids someday, I dont want them to go thru anything close to what Im going thru, (im tearing up as i write this :P) My boyfreind looks at me somedays, and doesnt know what to do. He just distances himself, but never forgets to tell me that he loves me. My parents look at me and wonder where their smart, feisty chubby little girl went.

She broke.

I'll do this. Because I dont want to be a broken girl for the rest of my life. The high I used to get from starving myself, seems like it was so long ago. So why am I still grasping at nothing, trying to find it again? I know I might even lose some followers because of this decision of mine. Im not going anti ana or mia either. I'm still that weight/food obsessed chick i always was, but today and from now on, I hope to fix myself.

The sun hasnt even come up, where I live. It usually does by this time of year.

love, raz <3

Pleasure brings pain...

2010-06-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I hate by body's fuking needs...
I was on my period today, and i know I shoudnt use that as an excuse, but because of it I gave in and ate like 500 cals or so over my daily 1,000 limit.
It felt so wrong afterwards, I just wanted to rewind, shit shit shit.

But like they say, no use crying over spilled milk, (whatever)...

Tomarow I promise to myself to "Run/Jog/(only walk if i really need to)" in the morning at 8.00am for two whole hours! then do weights for an hr and a half. = 2 1/2 hours total.
Then have only an egg/brand combo 4 lunch @ 12.00, and oatmeal for dinner@ 7.00, and thats IT!= thats only 395 cals.

Which will leave a crazy low overall net intake, hopefully making up for today...
For everytime i let myself cave in, there has to be consenquences~!

I just regret today, have faith that i'll fix it tomarow, and move on... :P

Thx for your comments uys. They really keepme going. I'll try and catch up on your blogs now..
luv Raz-o- spazzo... ie Raz...

Whoooo!

2010-06-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

This is a short post, but i diiiid complete my 3 day fast, (excluding a full sugar coke, i needed for the sugar, cuz i was going to be driving, u know..)

Today is saturday, and i have not binged, lost 5 pounds and i am sooo motivated!!! I love u guyz...I love my life...I am so back...lets get skinnnyyyy!!!! ITs allmost summer aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

:DDD

self fulfilling prophecy

2010-06-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

My 3 day fast is going very well. I am taking my vitamins, (thanks for the helpfull reminders guys!).

Anywho, I think I have just realized something very profound about my self. Its that whole thing having to do with the idea of the self fulfilling prophecy. All this time, in my journey twords "skinny-ness", i've noticed that there's always been a voice in the back of my head that always manged to foil my plans. Like my recent episodes of binging for example. If I think to myself, "Well you might as well eat everything, your never going to be good enough anyway", then that's exactly whats going to happen!

If I say to myself instead: "that as long I restrict and exercise to the best of my ability, everything's going to be okay"-then mabe, just maybe, it might happen as well? hmmm...It makes sense to me..:P Or maybe im talking wubbish cuz this fast is getting to me? lol..

anywhoo, you all have nice lovely days! <3

Ooooh! Bring it!!

2010-06-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

A what better way to renew my promise's to myself than with a 3 day, zero calorie fast??? :). Anything I think should be allowed as long as its zero cal...

It was Kelly's idea.:) We've both been "food whores" as of late...

Im actually exited, think of all the wieght we'll lose! I am so not gona give up, no matter what happens. (A little weary of might become a gigantic binge aftter the fast, but i'll worry about that on saturday, when i get to eat again).

So that's all of wednesday, thursday and friday. No food.

:D

A fish without water

2010-06-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

A fish without water wasi felt like with out this blog. I fucking suck...(Excuse my lannguage please, ut i speak the truth). I here's what happened between my birthday on the 16th of may, and today june 8th....

1.)Cuzns came over and my mom had made a ton of delicouse food, it ws also my birthday, and what does an "ex"-bulimic do, when she's in a heightened state of anxiety, and there's a bunch of food around? Why ofcource she binges her ass off. Ok, thats not even the worst part..

2.) After the b-day i told my parents that i had quit my job at the hotel. (I did, it was much too stressfull)..but soon a got a new jo afterwards (ike 6 days later). So it was all good right? I had a job again, I was restricting again, what could possibly go wrong right? wrong...

3.) Because you see, the new job that I had gotten was all night shifts..(8pm untill 4.30 at night!!!) I am not a nighttime person, I am a morning person!!! I worked there for only a week, untill i coudnt take it anymore. I mean I probably could take it, butthey wanted me to work for 7 days straight, and by this point I just had ad enough. I had my worst ever mental breakdown.

4.) In that breakdown I slammed cabinets and my closet door, and refused to come out of it. I couldnt stop crying for like 4 hrs. I told my self that I was weak, and just didnt deserve to live. My parents are still dissapointed in me. I think I had good reason's to quit both jobs, i wasnt happy in either so what? It's not the end of the world right?

And just, that's what i've kept bottled up inside me this whole time i wasnt blogging. But i ralize now that this is MY blog, and I can write whateve I freagin want..and I just had to get this shit off my chest!! I wanted to end it all the day of my breakdown..:( I had vodka and pills ready to go, but i coludnt do it, i just took the bottle in my hands and kept falling to the floor). I wont ever kill myself, but I've been doing something allmost as bad, in my mind. I've been binging for like a whole week and a day. My stomch's so huge now, and I havent been purging as much, just trying t fast long enough beforei binged again. Pathetic. So pathetic I am.

I came here on this blog, well because, I need to remember again. What it means to be truly happy. How happy I was whn I was losing weight and making money and loving people. I need to find a reason again, I lost control. I've gained so much. And what scares the most is that i didnt even care while binging that I was going to gai wieght.

Im scared now, you guys. I was never the strong older sister, frst child, calm friend, lovely girlfreind. Im just so scared--that I'll stop caring and end up a failure.

Im scared. Im not going to eat for the rest if the day, (I already had a breakfast binge). I am going to exercise. Drink loads of water. Not let my parents words get to me. And accept that i've gained and from now untill june 18th (the day of the reunion), im just going to eat less than 1,000 cals and exercise. (Which might seem like a lot, but trust me, even eating like a normal person at this point, seems so beyond me).

This terrified girl will now leave you lovelys with a quote that i made up...

"broken dreams and a broken heart. And no one to help me pick up the pieces? Learn to walk alone is what I must do…"-raz

but im not alone, i have you guys. and that make me slightly less afraid <3

Undeserving

2010-06-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

Im saying sorry to myself

for the last time.

And im giving up this blog

untill i find my bones again.

Dont worry , it will not be long,

untill i come back, stronger.

No more broken promises

Stay strong everyone, I will still be reading/commenting,, though.. : /

Awards for the Beauty's!!!

2010-05-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

Im going to give this award to the bloggers I've followed that I could relate to and/or i've follwed for the longest time....so here i go:

(in no particular order..)

1.)Peri-- I know you're feeling down cause of your kitty, but you gotta stay strong, but you are allready beatifull, (and hilariouse), so here you go! You deserve it!!!

2.) Twigs--, she was the first to give me this award, and i remember i was feeling superdown at the time i got it. I was one of her 1st blogs, and i appreciate that! :)

3.) Sottile--, cause you just never give up, and have such a positive attidtude, while at the same time being so hard working! I dont know how you do it!!! :O

4.) Rain--, also a blogger to me who always knows how to make a crappy situation into a funny, or ironic one. Famously known for attacking food with haispray. Fight on, girl freind!

5.) Barbie Samantha-- my frst follower. I still remembr how much hope we both had that we would someday succeed. She is awesome and made it so far. She's a total rockstar, and im not there yet, but closer than i was yesturday.

6.) Meg (LEak)-- Also a girl who's made it far despite a lot of crap in her life. Amazingly strong, honest and funny.

7.) And last but not least, bree-- who always has awesome thinspo on her other blog shrunken violets, as well as her own blog where she writes.

It was really hard to chose just seven out of like 186 or so, bloggers, so please dont come after me if you didnt get one! x_X

and i'll post 7 things u didnt knw about me tomarow. I gotta make a mix c.d for my dad's b-day, and a cake for my bro's b-day. (So many f-ing birthdays in may!!!!).

but on the plus side i didnt gain as much as i had thot!
I also forgave the boyfreind, after much begging and a gorgeouse silver ring.:)))) I love him too much to stay mad, and vis versa....

till tommarow love's !!!

Le Plan

2010-05-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

Breakfast. Okay over.

Now no more food for the rest of the day. Only water. Good' ol water.

Just writing it down here to keep myself accountable :)

I have family get together, reunion type thing on june 19th. I have to get my act together.

I will succeed.

I love you guys. You guys are like the only voice of reasonI hear, in a crazy f-upped world. So thank you for all your comments and support.

HEELLLLLLLPPPP!!!!

2010-05-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

I CANT STOP EATNG!!!!!!

damn....:(

F-in b-day

2010-05-17T00:17:00.000-07:00

Oddly this year, i didnt care much for my b-day. B-day = food and food = stress, and food+relatives+party= fat and bloated me.

I am really so ashamed. I seem to forget what self control is when the clock strikes 8.00 pm.

So much food and horrible, horrible (okay they werent that bad), but they were picture's and videos nonetheless...:(

Great day otherwise that and Boyfreind forgetting my birthday.

Who does that?

It makes me want to end it. Even if your buzy, you can atleast call, right???

I birthday binged, but I vowed to my self that at 19 I will give up purging for good.

Was standing in the restroom, but i didnt do it.

And Im still alive?

huh...

peace* love *skinny

Happiness

2010-05-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

I need to stop stressing. I need to take a deep breath or two. And just relax.

Not doing so, and over thinking, planning and being too hard on myself , results in binging.

I realize this now.

From now on I will do what makes me HAPPY. Wether, its fasting (like what im doing right now, yummm hunger pangs). Or whether its eating normally, exersicing, restricting or calories cycling.

I need to 'go with the flow', feel my emotions and stop trying to be someone im not.

Im going to be 19 in 2 days, and my last year of being a teenager will be a HAPPY and SKINNY one.

Bye bye saddness, binging and doubts. Your 18 years of reigning over me are over!!!

<3 we will never give up

p.s thanks for the award "twig's can fly". Your a doll, and I've meant to pass it on as well,but i just havent gotten around to it... i will though , :D, it really made my day, cause i never got an award b4 on blogger, so it really special!

Sick as a dog..watever that means

2010-05-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

Nose running, eye's watering, pressure in my head. I am sick, but I am not going to use this as an excuse.

Treadmill, here I come!...

This guy keeps flirting with me, even though he know's I have a boyfreind. WTF?... And I allmost took his bait, but some people in this world are loyal to their lovers, and I am one of them. Jeez, where is this world heading?

Thanks for helping me out earlier with your comments. In the end I kinda did a combo of A and B...lol. I tried to fast, but that only lasted untill 4.00, then i cracked, but managed just to eat a tiny amount, cause that's when my fever was starting to split my head open.

Achoooo...im so cold... hope you guy's are taking care of yourselves, love you guys :)

*** update-just did that 30 min of jogging and 15 mins or so of warm-ups and cool downs. Forgot to mention I bought the book Wasted, and downloaded "Wintergirls". Excited!!! Finally i get to read what all the fuss is about! :)) Also Bought a new Weight Watcher's scale, that I read some of you had bought. It measure's your pounds, body fat percentage and your water %!! It's not that much more accurate than my regular scale actually, and the body fat percentage keeps changing everytime I step on it? weird... ***

Advice please?

2010-05-04T22:20:00.000-07:00

I need you guy's advice...What do you think would be best?

A.) Fast all day in an attempt to "make up" for todays binge...:(( ( This option could end up being either very successfull, or another disgusting fail...)

or

B.) Just try to eat as little as I can get away with. (energy will be needed at work, but I really hate eating so soon after a binge, so idk...)

Which option do you think would be best? I have to know what you think, Im so lost right now. Im stuck kinda in the middle you know? Half of me wants to go "hard core" ana and be really strict, but the other half of me know's that this is real life and that stuff happens. (and by stuff i mean calories happen, freinds, family etc happen", and idk, im having a really hard time just balancing everything out.

It's really driving me crazy.

Thanks guys 4 ur comments and your help.
MWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH...lolzzz ;)

A mess of Raz's thoughts

2010-05-01T22:46:00.000-07:00

If your wondering who Raz is, that's me. (RazAna...um sorry not that creativly gifted...lol)

> sliced me wrist. Like some sort of emo person, (that im not, (?)). Really dont know where that came from. But im not doing it again anytime soon, summer's one month away, and i love my t-shirts, ya know...

> Not spoken to the boyfreind. I want him to take the initiative and make plan's and stuff first. It's always me, and idk, am i dumb, but I feel like I love him more than he loves me, and idk, I hate feeling this vulnerable. So far he's only called twice in like 2 weeks. : / He says he buzy with his exams.--- I am one obbsessive lover..lol, sorry for boring you...back to the main issue

> Not binged too badly, despite monthly gifts typical cravings, (until tonight, cookies, and i dont want to talk about it.)

> Purged. The mentioned cookies. My eyeballs hurt still, from the pressure, because i had them on an empty stomach, wasnt a whole lot, but stlill calorie dense, so they had to go.

>Poured dish soap on homemade granola bars, so that I woudnt eat them. Haha, it worked...:)

> Mom brug 2% milk, down the drain it went, when she wasnt looking..i hate waisting food, i really do, but it sure beats anwering people's questions. And she had brung it in so lovingly, (after the purge). I think she's trying to fatten me up... hmmm

> im sleepy, but work is gonna suck big time tomarow. (sunday's are our buziest days). Guy's cross your fingers, I get to go home at a decent time...argghhh...stress induced cortisol stomach is the WORST ...

> Good night lovely's...:) And Happy MAY! ..l8er

Day off...

2010-04-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

Tis my day off, and im just takin it eaaaaassyyy. No workouts, no nothing. (And as less to eat as I can get away with..) That is the plan. It's 3.50ish in the afternoon here, and if I make it through 9pm without binging, I will be one happy girl (fingers crossed)...

There is pizza and indian food in the house though. :/ I picked up one of those garlic "naan" thingy's not an hour earlier, but then I thought of you guys, AND PUT IT DOWN!!!! :O

yes i did. :)

I am posting sort of loopy... maybe it's the lack of food.

Yup, Im trying out the age old trick of changing up my calories every few days or so , to keep my metabolism guessing. So basically, when I work and or workout, I eat more, but when Im at home doing nothing I eat close to nothing..(like today). I think this just might work.

But with me I find that, when I start to notice weight loss, I take it for granted and ALLWAYS screw it up. .. ah well, tis life..

@ Peri, (if your reading this, your comment cracked me up so much i allmost shot water on the keyboard!!!)... :DDD good times..

Later 4 now loveleys!!!

Lazy, but still losing...

2010-04-25T22:01:00.000-07:00

Well, as usual I've been super buzy with work. I swear, I havent even had time to properly sleep, let alone blog. And omg, my arms and legs are so sore from working out. :DD

I am also now sitting at around 136-137 pounds :(. This means im losing, but it's soooo slow. It could possibly be a bit of muscle trying to grow? possibly? What do you guys think? Would you rather be some-what muscular and weigh a few extra pounds (because of the muscle, Or just "fattyy-skinny", as in you weigh less, cause your body composition is mostly of fat?

Or does any of what I just typed up there make any sense to you all? Forgive me, I is very tired..x_X

Can I just say that you all are so fabulouse? You are, because I said so...:)

Oh oh oh, and I just remembered an incident just now, that occured near the end of my last period. What had happened was, I had just come bak from work tired and bloated (worst combo), and my mum and me were just heading into to the grocery store to pick up a few things, when all of a sudden, she goes: "have you gotten fat? look at your stomach! Its hanging out!" (she also patted my belly in the grocery store parking lot--: /). My dad who was also there then go's: "dont pick on her, remember what happened last time?"

Oh and another "incedent". I was running ,running along on the treadmill minding my own bussiness, when my parents come into the living to watch t.v. After a while, I guess my stupid mother asks me how i weigh. I say 140, (more or less, thats how much it was a few weeks ago since I last blogged). She then yells: "140??!! how did you become 140? Your even exersicing more? .. And my dad (bless him..lol), say's :"thats fine, thats how much she shud keep it at." (mind you she's fatter then me, slightly at 124-125 ish pounds, and only 5'0")..

All the meanwhiles, both these incidents, just make me so angry. At first it hurt. But now I... I don't now how to put this feeling. I want revenge.(For a lot of stuff, weight is just one of the things..) Yes, thats what I want..

Revenge. Nothing taste's better, am i right?

Stay lovely everyone!, sorry for the long post..:)))

Pointless Morning update

2010-04-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

Those twixes must have revved up my metalism or somethin?

Hahahahahahahaha.... 137.6 . How did that happen?

:DDDD

Past few days

2010-04-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

Hmm, not in the mood for structured writing so Im just gonna make a list of all the good and bad things that happened to me these past few days.... ( er- Green = good and Red = bad )

Lets start with the bad, shall we?
1.) ummm, this morning before work idk what came over me, and binged on those fun size twixes. I hate addmitting this. My excuse was that it was still morning. (i friggin ate them with my allready planned out breakfast!!! WTF??? ) And that I'd have all day to burn it off....
2.) There's no more negative cal oods at our house. I was just looking around for lettuce and carrots or somethin... *le sigh
3.) Work sucks...
4.) Still 139.0 the point zero is in green, because atleast its not 139.9 !
5.) Not been getting enough zzzzz's
6.) Boyfreind went off to ohio........................................................... :'''(
must get skinnier b4 he get back, yes???!!!!

The Bueno:
1.) Im too lazy to make a proper ana bracelet, but i think i got something better. Because you see, I got this hair band scrunci type thing, (its the perfect shade of ana red), and it really is perfect because its a lot more helpful. How, you may ask? Well, today after my workout, my wrist had gone all veiny, and the "bracelet" had sort made an indentation into my skin. It hurt a little, but wow. It felt sort of symbolic, i dunn know. Maybe im just a tad kooko rite now..:P
2.) I love my boyfreind. He is my ultimate thinspo.
3.) I can see my hipbones a little more now.
4.) I feel so much more better about my self when im loosing, and restricting. Life is better thin..im telllin U!!!!!!
5.) I threw on my usual black "skinny-ish" pants without having to worry about if my thighs looked fat.
6.) Sister's so into studying and eating, she's begining to look a little pudgy.. (im tired of being the fat one, can u blame me???)
7.) Avoided loads of food at the hotel and at home, ( excluding the twixes...atleast they were funsize?)
139 going on 138... uuurgh im so FATTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

Wow, i have so many followers..Thanks for reading and commenting. It feels really nice when you take time out of your important lives to listen to my ramblings...gosh... <3

we only have one life. I dont want to live mine as a fatty.

No sirree bob.

Phew!

2010-03-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

Omygosh, thank you all or your comments and support on my last post. I really appreciate it.

And the good news is: Im still 139!... :D...not bad.

And today, Im totally gonna avoid the cheesy garlic bread and fatass Nachos my mom is now making. :)

That's what happens when my mother gets her hands on some cheap 5 POUND block of cheese!!! Im seriouse, this thing is huge!!! I wanted to take a picure of it to show you guys, just how huge it is, but it' allready halfway gone..lol. Oh and the humungo bag of tortilla chips, thats as big a body bag... omfg

No. No junk for me today. (or ever, if i can help it).

Im not gonna waste this day off work worying and stressing like i did yesturday. No sirree bob.. :>

Again, thanks you guys.. and remember:

"There will be beauty from pain"

Who do i tell?

2010-03-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

Who else can i tell.. *please excuse my language...>.<

when i break my own promise's and eat the damned pizza..(only the toppings..but still...shame ;(
when i start to eat more and more and more. Telling myself with each new thing i reach for, that "this is the last thing, this is the last thing"
when the last thing becomes more like, might as well f- it. (mia's voice...she likes to visit every two weeks or so, right when I start to make any really progress...bitch. Her and me... )
when i got bits of food logded in my throught and nose, from purging...disgusting.
when i drink gallon or two of water to ward off the light headedness and dehdration.
when aftewards i get on the treadmill for about 80.00 mins?
when i still dont think thats gud enough, and want to pretend this day never happened
when im glad i saved the laxies for days like this.

I can only tell you guys.

***Lesson learned: Dont become over confident, weight is lost thru EATING LESS. Not making excuses (!) ***

I know I'll be okay. But had to get that off my chest. And if you actually read all that..well give urself a pat a on the back...lol

gud nite everyone..and hopefully a much better tomarow... :)

She's going down..

2010-03-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

...in weight that is. 139.2

:) slow and steady. Mom made the most fatty and disgustingly delicouse looking pizza.

This means nothing but fruit,veggies and hot water for the rest of the day. And lots of cardio.

"I want my hipbones to be as sharp as my mind."

ewww bloat is the worst...

2010-03-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

I am sooo bloated, its gross. I feel groggy. Eating tho, has been going really well. Last night when I weighed myself I was still 142.0, (I know ew grosss right??). But usually I can lose like 2.5 pounds or so over night, so I was hoping to finally see 139.8 or something, and I didnt, but thats okay, i guess.

I did everything according to plan, I didnt eat anything, after coming ack from work, and I even walked an extra 100 cals off. So I'm not too worried.

I think my problem is that, at the beggining of this blog even, all the wieght that I suddenly lost was mostly water weight. And now, is where my body fights back, and every pound isbeing so stubborn. Im at my body's set point...

Gosh, will I ever be thin? I wanna go back to when I once was--(allmost good enough).

Think thin ladies and gentle men ;)...

This is normal right?

2010-03-25T06:30:00.000-07:00

Im too lazy to summarize the past two weeks or so, but all Im gonna say is that I tried my best and actually lost a pound! :P Buuut, now its that of month again, and I f-ing gained t back!!!

Im panicking.... This is supposed to happen right? It's just water weight :( ?

Thats it, no more dinner for me..

Not counting calories helped me lose that stuborn pound And going to sleep, instead of eating dinner..

Oh, yeah and me and the boy are back on... lol,, after all that.. i suck.

But seriously what other thinspiration could I possibly need, then skinny ass boyfreind, who could dump me a second for other prettier, (thinner) girls? :(....

Oh and welcome back spring... gotta get rid of this fat first

I am fat fat fat... No not normal..Fat Fat Fat..

le sigh***

you lovely's have a nice day ...!

GOoooo Morning!!!

2010-03-11T06:26:00.000-08:00

Good morning, to everyone in the bloggy type world, (well its morning here anyway, ridiculously early btw, omg I've just discovered i am a morning person! I think its because, I love the feeling of being the only one awake in the whole house). No matter how tired I was the previouse night, I cannot give up these few hours hours of lonely darkness, where I plan for the perfect day... These plans include:
Weighing my self, literally planning out and writing down my intake, deciding over jogging outside or treadmill, reading your blogs before i leave for work!

Plan for today:
1.) Eat what you've written down! (nothing more, nothing less, you fat pig!!!, you can do this much at least CANT YOU??????!!!!! GRRRR!
2.) work out. as hard as you can for atleast 90 min. No excuses.
3.) dont forget vitamins
4.) hit the sack early and stay there, so as to avoid night time eating and morning weight gain ...:( (my down fall as of late)
5.) there's no such thing as purging, there's no such thing as purging there's no such thing as purging...
6.) Stay Happy happy positive positve :)

Hope you all have a beautifull day, afternoon or morning...:)
Dont give up...

A come back post! :D

2010-03-10T21:08:00.000-08:00

Jeez, i've been off this thing for awhile! Well, not really, i've been reading all your blogs religously, just not posting my own stuff, becuase man have I been buuuuuuuuuuzzzzzzyyy!

First of all, your's truly is no longer unemployed!!! Whoo hooo! I found work at a really nice hotel, as their front desk agent. Yes, 8 hours a day I stand there and take reservations.. (party-- not).

Well it's all actually been okay, but my weight is not budging. Like at all. Noow I'm starting to wonder if it'll EVER???!!!

The reason behind this post was to try and talk to people who know Im talking about. We binge, we purge, we starve and do all sorts of crazy things, all for one purpose. To achieve what we all imagine is perfection for ourselves. You guys know what I'm talking about, and so I'm sure that you guys understand how even how sometomes you try SO HARD, its never good enough?

I've stayed an even 141, through all of this bull shit. (My hectic work schedule,super duper strict- old fashioned parents, breaking and making up breaking making up w/ bf, binging purging starving and EVERY LITTLE THING ELSE...)

I've had it. I'll just have to maybe put some things on the back burner. Because I dont think I'll ever be truly happy unless im thin.

Finally a new post, finally a new me.
No regrets, no looking back, tomarow is a new day...im ready to fight fight fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay,,bye 4 now...;)

Waaaaah???

2010-02-09T11:59:00.000-08:00

Im trying to make him stop having feelings for me. I think it's working. (Yay?) :/. Thanks for making me feel better about my desicion..you guys are the best.:)

Day 6 or so of not purging. My weights gone down, (i wiegh every morning, cant really stick to the once in a week thing..lol). No desire at all to purge. Feels amazing. And if I do binge, I'll just think its a good thing, might help the metabolizm...:) ,better than start the horrific, b/p, b/p, b/p cyle. And remind myself that I will be hungry again, soon enough, and weight losing can and will commence, so as to not have a mind freak out over it.

I read a lot of your blogs, i love them, and I follow a lot of them too, (thats why i have so many followers, 123? :O?!?!?!?! waaaaaaah??? heheheh, thank you guys.

I think I actually might do this. Lose wieght quickly, I mean. Becuase, I'm planning to get an emo style haircut, with red highlights, and I dont wanna look like a fool..lol... (p.s im not really an emo), for my birthday in May... oooh i cant wait!!!! (Picture of i'll look like, on the side).

My drug test for the new job is today, ofcourse Im not worried, im not into that stuff..:)

Im finding myself wary of emotions lately. I want to detach myself, emotionally from people. Maybe become a little more selfish. Have fun in life.
We only live once.
Be fabulouse
Be sexy
Be thinspiraional! :DDD...

Feb 2nd

2010-02-04T11:17:00.000-08:00

Febuary 2nd was my weigh-in day. It was also my boyfreinds birthday,and the day that I got a called for a job interview.

Weigh-in= gained .6 ounces...:(
Job interview= sucessful, I'm starting sometime this week! :D
Boyfreind= ?, because i told him i want to be just freinds now. I told him Happy Birthday, oh by the way, lets be buddies from now on, i still love you as a freind.

Because you see the thing is, we have 2 situations here.
1.) We are of two competely different religions, and my parents would never approve of us dating (or marriage, he's even thought that far, and this scared me!) and..
2.) I am too fat.

This is why I havent been posting. I dont know what to. I feel like a jerk face for having led him on, but at the same time why did we keep loving each other, when we knew we couldnt be together in the end?

I could cry, but I dont know what for. I told him the truth. He just doesnt get it. The world is a cruel place, that wont let us be together. Food is an evil thing, and it's always on my mind, (how to avoid it, get thinner thinner, etc..)

He just doesnt get it.
Whats so wrong with bieng just freinds?
Nothing, thats what...urrgghh, fuck him.. im gonna take some more laxatives, exercise, be hot and get rich from my new job, and he can just decide, it's freindship or nothing, because the only thing i love is me ="thin".

Peace out...

Mind over body, Mind over body, Mind over the FREAKING BODY!!!!

2010-01-27T13:56:00.000-08:00

I love you guys! :D Thnks for all of your supportive comments, they really do help!

Drinking that black coffee as usual, but crying this time through sips. It's one thing to be really over-wieght and then lose it quickly, be happy with your self, yadda yadda yadda, all that good stuff.

But its quiet another when your like me. Near anorexic one moment, then pinging, then losing, and now stagnating. I undrstand why people cut themselves now. It didnt make sense before, but now it does.

No more stagnating. Im sick of stagnating, seeing these same numbers day after day!!!

Right now I am exhuasted. Woke up this morning b/ped, because i thought "hey, i could just burn it off through out the day". So that's the plan. Damage control day today, ***lots*** of exercise, cleansing etc. Water water water. No more b/p-ing!!! I promise you all !

Then under 1,000 calorie days untill the 2nd of Feburary, (weigh-in day).
Wish me luck, :

Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat,the luckier u get! ;)

Hey, im back :)

2010-01-15T23:57:00.000-08:00

Today I fasted. I dont remember it being this hard! Maybe it's because along with not eating all day, I killed my self at the gym. Going to pass out on the pillow now, but before I do..

This one day fast will hopefully break my recent binge-purge cycle, before it gets to seriouse, you know what I mean?

And also Im having irregular periods. Like it'll come for 2 days. Leave for one then come back for 2 or more days. Web MD claims this can occur due to bulimia, overexercise and stress. Check, check and check..lol.

I hate how my little sister can eat so much and not gain any wieght. And here I am, struggling so much.

I have absolutly hated these past 2 weeks or so, of control-less eating. I'm obviously bulimic, because I restrict my diet. And not dieting is the only way to stop the binge purge cycle, (or so I've read).

But you know what? I guess I dont remember how to eat anymore. I cant be normal and do that, "just stop eating when your full, eat only when your hungry" jazz. I dont know how to eat, with out counting every single calorie, stressing, measuring, etc, etc.

You bloggers out there understand this, I'm sure. All we want is perfection. Is it too much to ask?
Bye for now, and remember YOU ARE STRONGER THAN FOOD!!!!

Back on Track!

2010-01-09T13:37:00.000-08:00

It took awhile and a horrible binge fest of a holiday season, but I am now back on track and I know that this time, binging and purging is so nooot worth it. Im gonna give it my all. Urrrrggghhh, i hate living my parents. They buy all the food, and its so frustrating, cause they all eat so freaking much..

Oh well, my new personal motto is: "rise against". Ie, I should try to rise against temptation, cravings, fattening food, family freinds who "care", and against mia. All those things and more. I will rise against. And rise gorgeouse and thin. I will never give up. I will accept the occasional bump, but i will never give up on this.

Hope you all are doing well.

My new (pretty reasonable goals):

January: 138
Feb: -4 pounds so 134
march: -5 pounds so 129
april: 124
may: 120-125== 1st goal reached in time for my birthday :D
june:115
july:110
august: 100 perfect-(ish), maybe more we'll see..

What happens when you run out tears?

2010-01-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

Didnt post for awhile because family from canada decided to come over and ruin my perfectly executed plans to fast on new years eve eve..:(

Ended up eating more than I would have liked.

Was so depressed after they left.

Binged and purged.

Up untill 2.30 in the morning trying to undue the damage.

Yes, I realized that I was undoing all of my hard work while I sat there and gorged...

Because you see, I decided not to kill myself last night, and in return this bing attack was my brains way of "rewarding" myself for this (?)

Allmost choked and suffocated on my own vomit. Scary stuff.

But todays a new day. Another chance.

Whatever it takes to get there...xxoo

Fast went well

2009-12-26T14:38:00.000-08:00

I wanted to fast for longer, but I can only ever do it for one day, (so far). And I started my period the same day, so I didnt think it would be a good idea?

I am feeling either very weak or tired. All the caffiene I had from yesturday, (diet coke and coffee to surpress my appetite), is making me seriously crash. I hate how my parents are commenting on my eating habits. But at this point it just go's in one ear and out the other. Some of the exuces/reasons they try to give me to eat more and become a fattass again, (and my responses to them):

1.) Your still growing, your body needs the nutrients, (bs im already 18, how much more am I grow?).
2.) Your never going to get any skinnier than that because of your bone structure, ( Just watch me ;)
3.) Your hair is thinning, you cant lift that, your eyes look sunken, blah blah, (Not even enough, mother and father,not even enough yet...)

But despite all that they say, I dont lsten because you know what? I think they are secretly happy that I do this. Because nowadays whenever I had relatives over, or I go anywhere with the family, they dont seem ashamed to put me forword and say "this is our daugher, isnt she beautifull?"

I am sacrificing something good, for something better.

And we will Rock On ;)... peace out

Damage Control and MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

2009-12-25T09:39:00.000-08:00

Binged on christmas cakes yesturday. But guess what? I didnt purge. I dont ever want to purge again. So I had a food belly all night. IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE!!! (is my excuse). I felt a certain defiance towords mia last night. I dont want to turn to her ever again. I will be responsible for when I loose control. I am willing to gain one or two pounds in a week, if that will ultimatly lead to skinny-ness long term, you know what I mean?

And so today I'm doing a fast with lots of exercise! Yay for post christmas eve dinner empty-ness!

Making myself keep the food in, really made me realize how gross it feels inside. :P Blech...
Thanks for commenting you guys! They really do give me hope (shady rae ;)..
Stay Strong xxoo

Update

2009-12-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

I feel the control coming back. I WILL NOT resort to mia.

Feeling nice and empty right now, (thanks laxies, i dont use them often, only when I'm feeling icky, if you know what I mean)... And waiting for my gorgeouse boo.

He's so perfect and skinny I dont deserve him. GAh...

I dont know how much I wiegh. Im scared to find out. I lost control a few days back, because I thought I woudnt even be awake to see the next day, but I guess I was wrong, I did awake, and I'm trying again.

My body seems to be stuck at, 138-140. Well guess what?! Thats Just NOT GOOD enough for MOI!!! Bwah hahahahahahahahhahahahahah!

ahem ahem***

Thanks for the comments everyone! They really are not only encouraging, but also make me think. Think for example, how cool it is that how some of you also used to beleive you couldnt get to any lower weights, but you did. How just trying, will in someway inevitably lead us to be the skinny gorgeouse lady's we all know we are inside... ;)

I hope everyone's holidays are going well. (And by that I mean you are avoiding food like some high paid supemodel or something..lol)...

Fatty Mc Fat Face

2009-12-22T11:09:00.000-08:00

Thats it. I no longer have any say. Im all yours Ana. **sigh**

Not giving up...

2009-12-17T12:34:00.000-08:00

Past few days have been spent in a rush of mood swings, binging, purging, fasting, hating my self everything that comes along with having an e.d... FUCK ME.

My wieght has gone up. 140.2 as of this morning. I hate my self. Mia, I thot I told you to go away.

And so, today I am going to try again. To gain some control. Find it. It's there somewhere.

Im just so sad. Hopeless. I love you all. You dont even know me, but you all are so supportive. There's no hope. I find myself just breathing. I guess the reason I've been sabotoging myself lately, is so that I could feel something. Anything. Even if it meant guilt. I wanted to numb myself.

I wont give up, I will keep trying. Hope is slipping though. I am grasping, fighting for the control.

Stay Strong, (i will try to as well)...

Fasting untill further Notice

2009-12-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

Fast starts now. Ends, when you feel like yourself again. Empty, pure, back down on the scale, and light headed.

Untill then, nothing but black coffee, tea, water and gum.

1.00 pm tuesday, untill?_________

Well I have a blog, so I should post.. here it go's

2009-12-13T10:42:00.000-08:00

I feel more disgusted, fat, and more of failure now, (at 136-sh pounds), than I did when I was 10 pounds heavier. When I was binging-purging a few days before, I was asking myself at the time, why I was undoing all my hard work, and letting it all go to waste. My excuse: Im depressed. I thought; "to hell with it, it's not like Im a model or actress or someone who has to be perfect all the time. To hell with it, it's not like anyone cares or gives a damn.."

But I've discovered since then, that that isnt true. Someone does care. Some people do care. The people reading this blog care. I dont know who they are, but I can relate to them, and know that I am not alone. I could take the easy way out, become fat, and stop caring about what I look like. I might as well just die, because then I'd have become even more deppressed.

No. No, I've found that I have to live. For something. I cant tell you what it is yet. But I just know that I have to keep going. And better to live Pro-ana and striving for perfection, than as a sad fatso..am i right?...

P.S: Have a new e-mail, just for this blog: razana16@gmail.com, would love to hear from you, add me?

Make your dreams come true

See-Sawing

2009-12-11T09:28:00.000-08:00

My weight has been see -sawing all week. Going from 136.2, (yaay!), to 138.4 today, (boooooo!).

I will not become discouraged though! Yesturday, I did the longest and most calorie burning work out. I had blisters on my feet afterward. So basically I've been stuck on a plataue this whole week, and I feel like killing someone right now...grrrr..

Okay, ill post again, when something decides to go my way...

Peace out, Stay Strong!

You guys are always right!

2009-12-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

I was just retaining that h2o, because of mrs.monthly. That's good, because I was going to smash that scale if the numbers kept going up. Today I am .2 pounds away from 135! :D Then 10 more pounds untill my first goal wieght of 125, (at which weight I will officially be skinnier than my thin little sister, because I'm taller than he, BWAHAahhahaha!, nothing against her at all, but,you know how it is...) And then lower, then lower than...? maintain it, I guess :)

I was always the "fat one". Always. Now, when I saunter past my short and squat mother, I have a tremendouse feeling of satisfaction. And I think to my self: maybe, someday, in the not so distant future, I may even someday be *gasp*, beautifull?

Went to the store, and it was also kind of annoying how, I had to keep pullingmy pants up. But then I reminded my self that this is a good thing, and that if i do get too thin, I could just borrow my little sis's clothes..Bwahahahaha, (sorry I'll stop..lol)...

Well this was a really loopy post. See ya later. Remember: There's no such thing as being too thin ;)

Hmmm, just a little update

2009-12-06T10:57:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to to gain maybe like a pound/ pound and a half from eating too much fiber all of a sudden? Cause, I think thats what's happend to me, and I really dont know what to do.I've been restricting really well too. Planning on just waiting it out for now, and I am like CRAVING exercise. Second the rents leave, I'm heading out to the gym.

P.S: Thanks for listening to my rantings on my last post. I am feeling much more positive right now. And no amount of food sitting around in me and trying to throw me off is going to stop me from becoming thin, perfect.
It's going to happen. I promise you all!

Stay Strong everyone! We will get there(!)

She got so good at pretending, she almost fooled herself...

2009-12-02T12:56:00.000-08:00

Hey, guys! I'm back, and the scale reads 136.0... =) Still loosing this means. It's so weird how just the day before I was wondering if I would be able to get down to 135 before saturday, (because according to Losertown, a webcite I came across that I will post a link a to, I should be that much by saturday).

In other news, went to a job interview, and I had to pick 2 cards that had questions on them and answer them, in front of not only my interviewees, but also about 8 strangers. The first question went fine. But while answering the second one, I dont know what happened to me. I seriously dont. I completelyze froze on the spot, and even considered throwing the damn card on the employers table and running from the room. Intstead, I think I just rambled through it and mumbled: "uuummm yeah, that's it..." Stage fright? maybe. Nervouse breakdown? possibly. But looking back, I think it happened more because subconcously, (sorry cant spell..lol), I've already given up. I had already admitted defeat.

And so, woke up crying at 4 am. Just woke up, and listened to mom going on about how my luck is just horrible these days, i dont pray enough, and bragging to my dad about how good HER JOB is. Its not even about my employment problems, just the general mediocrity of my life.

The general shittyness, the pain, the humiliation, the always dealing and helping other people out, while never having had anyone who understands me. Even my own boyfreind, who i love more than my life, doesnt like emotional displays of affection from me, and so I try not to around him. I'm the one who lifted him off the ground, when he was down. I'm the one that had to listen to his crying over the phone and stop him from doing anything that he would have later regretted.

He has me, but I never had anyone, self-less too the point of stupidity and depression. I'm sick of putting on the front that I'm as strong as you think I am. Parents bought it, they had high hopes for me. Siblings bought it, they looked up to me. Putting others before me, and now I've got no where to go, I have no identity. All I have is this, my disorder....

Sorry for rambling so much, I just had to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading, if your not already half-way asleep yet... >.<

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!!!!

Not count calories? R u f-ing kidding me???

2009-11-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

I tried to not count calories and just starve on like that, for one whole day. I couldnt even do it. I remember putting away the journal I write my intake in. And then taking it out again after breakfast. I HAVE to know. I have to have control. I cant be normal. I just cant...(!) The numbers have me in their grip.

Fight the FAT>>>!!!!!
xxoo

136.8 + a little TMI...

2009-11-26T19:43:00.000-08:00

I lost another pound! Im happy, but at the same scared that this momentum I have going is not going to last. Because I saw this number after I PINGED the night before. The pinge made my stomach all crampy, and I swear I took the biggest shit of my life, (sorry if this is t.m.i!!). I felt like I was dying!!! Punishment I'm guessing it was sort of like. In the morning I woke up and wieghed my self, and the scale said: 137.4, but then I had to go again!!! Jeez..

Weighed yet again, and the numbers 136.8 showed up. Got off. And stepped on again: 136.8. Hmmm... Now, Im not complaining if my occasional pinges can sometimes lead to lower numbers, but I almost felt as though the scale's lying to me. I hope not.

Thanksgiving was okay, nobody forced me to eat, because I told them I had a tummy ache, (I didnt even have to lie, because it was true). Good timing stomach, if I dont say so myself..:) Happy Thanksgiving people's!!!!

Survey thingy..

2009-11-24T10:01:00.000-08:00

Size: anywhere from a 4 to a 9. (US)

Age: 18
Highest Weight: 187lb
Lowest Weight: 131lbs
Goal Weight: as close to 100 as possible…

Favorite Diet Food?
Black Coffee and Oatmeal…

Favorite Binge Food?
Chocolate,, (I love/hate it sooo bad!!)

Favorite Exercise?
Running & Dancing (horribly, but who cares..=D)..

Thinspo?
Love model thinspo. When I was at my thinnest, people used to say I looked one. I need that back…

What Makes You Slip Up?
Stress and Boredom..

What Makes You Strong?
My boo, and looking noticing more and more lovely bones..

When Did It Start?
After my first job. Begging of 12th grade.. Age 17- today.

Does Anyone Know?
Siblings.

Do You Want Help?
Help? From what? Perfection? No thank you… : /

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
Usually its 500 give or take a few…

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
Huge stomach, huge ass, jiggly thighs, bad skin. Failure.

Are You In A Relationship?
Yes

Is It For Attention?
No, actually the complete opposite. I want to fade into nothingness… And plus I think you get more attention when your fat, because nothing looks good on you anyway, and people judge you , etc , etc..

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
Neither (???)

Are You Depressed?
I've never been diagnosed so technically, no.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
Once.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
No

Are You On Any Medication?
No

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[x] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me

I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[x, but only mia.] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills-(never tried em yet, suggestions for some good one's would be appreciated :)
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -
[ ] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[] feeling this way
[ ] fat people

I NEED -
[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs

137.2

2009-11-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

Ha! I was about to type my weight for the day 173 instead of 137,,teeheehee, no ways man, I am so not going back there again.

So yesturday, there was cheese cake. White, crumbly, soft **fattening*** cheesecake. Yes. I ate it. Yes, I purged untill my eyeballs felt like they were going pop out. No, I did not enjoy it at all. (But proud of myself that i was able to get it up at all). While I was eating it, I felt so scared, it's hard to explain. Heart thumping, arguments raging in my head, I almost thought I was going crazy. Ana's voice always seems loudest when you're screwing up, why is that?

Anyblue... Im losing weight, Im over my plataue, and I didnt gain anything from that cheesecake pinge, so all is well. Im a good lyer, I learned just yesturday.
My mother asks: "did you have your dinner"?
Me: "uhhh, yeeeeaahhh"
Mom:" It was delicouse wasnt it, i put blah blah blah in it and so much effort, blah blah blah.."
Me: "Yep!, I especally loved the ______" (What ever it was she made..lol)
I should be an actor :)

Im going to try and not weigh myself so much, so that I can be pleasantly surprised by lower and lower numbers. And plus, I hate undressing to wiegh myself, in this cold, rainy and depressing city. I think I read somewhere that Seattle is one of the most depressing city's on earth. Hmmm, Im not surprised...

Not much else to say, I hope you are all doing well, whether you are ana, mia, ednos, or blessidly normal...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooooooooo "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"-Kate Moss

137.8

2009-11-18T10:49:00.000-08:00

See that number up there? That's how much I weigh now!!! Yay!! During my evil bulimia spell last year, when I kept gaining and gaining, I never thought I would be able to see the 130's again! And now, 125 (my first goal weight), is only 12 pounds away! I will do this! I have too! Its a challenge to my self, to prove to myself, of how strong I can really be.

I am 137.8, and on my period. wow... When I read some other blogs, i am amazed at how thin some of you really are. I'm not gonna lie, I look up to you girls. You guys helped me to stop the binge-purge cycle, (eviiiiiiiil).

So, I think its time I actually disclosed my hieght. I am the average 137.8 pounds and 5ft 4 inch. **gasp**, thats not nearly skinny enough, and I realize this. My b.m.i is 23.5. Yap, thats me, hate me or love me. Either way, this is only the begining I assure you, of the transformation of fat, boring me, into the sex bomb she really is. I also feel thats its a good thing that I am starting to feel fatter, the more wieght I lose. It's a good thing.

Also boyfreind took off his shirt. ;( , damn him, he is so thin. He said I look good too, but I dont see it. Oh, and he said he meant to say that he weighs 141 pounds. So what? He's taller than me, and looks like a string bean. When we go out, we look like beauty and the beast, and no I am not the beauty. hehe. Am I weird for thinking like this, but I kind of want to break up with him for awhile, untill I find a job, and actually reach 125, so that I feel more comfortable with him and myself? Am I a weirdo or what? I just think that he deserves better... How can I love someone, when I cant even love myself...?

Stay Strong everyone, love you guys!!!! xxxooo

when all else is falling apart...

2009-11-13T22:05:00.000-08:00

We all know that our disordered ways are based on our needs for complete and utter CONTROL. This could not be more true for me... It doesnt feel as if anyone, (ecxept you guys, ur awesome like that), really cares about me. It feels like I am a puppet, and the strings are no longer in my hands. This control i have over my food, is my own. My own little string...

Ahhhhhhh...I hope it will never snap, but get only stronger.. no matter what anyone does to break it as well.
Does that make sense? Anyway, it did in my head..

So anywhoo, past few days have been really good, calorie-wise, all under 600-700 cal days, plus just enough exercise, not overoad mode, which tends to make me want to eat more.

I caught a glimpse of myself in a stores video security camera t.v thingy.... My face didnt look too bad, but then i backed up a few steps, and noticed how big i looked in my layered winter clothing, and stupid black jeans, that arent really jeans, but stretchy shit, because im such a fatass...

B.M.I-wise im normal. I am average. But as we all know, this disease is often called the "perfectionists disease". And no, thank you average or normal is not good enough for me... I will not stop, untill I see perfection... Thank you for all who commented, and helped me to realize this...

Hope you are all doing well, Stay Strong xxoo!

Skinnier than you...

2009-11-13T21:07:00.001-08:00

Look how far, look far she still has to go...

2009-11-12T01:34:00.000-08:00

So, like a lot of post's that I've read of late, I too have not been doing so hot. (If you are, well__ =D). I dont know why I'm so down. Granted, I did pinge, twice. And now im super bloated, the scale says i've gained 2 pounds, and that is 2 pounds too many!!!!
Hope: that its just food weight, and it'll help the 'plataue'.

It's all too easy. It's all too easy to give in. But now, its been a day or two and i am doing better. Im hoping i dont make the same mistakes i did last time, when i had finally gotten down to 131. Meaning, that there will no longer be the words *binging or *purging in my dictionary. I will force my self to NOT purge, even after a binge, so that I can push my self even harder to do better the next day. That is what tomarow is for, right?

And im going to go easy on the exersice. I read that weight-loss is 80% diet, and only 20% exercise!!! Because i think all of that exercising led to me getting super hungry, hence the 2 pinges...

Please call me all of the bad words you can think of,, i truly deserve it, i've been so out-of-wackh lately... I really wouldnt mind,,=D

Hope you all r doing 100x better than me...
"Fight the food!"

They know how hard you try...

2009-11-07T22:38:00.000-08:00

"Not doctors nor your mom and dad but, me and Mia, Ann and Ana, know how hard you try, I can see it in your eyes, see it in your spine..." (Me and Mia by : TedLeo/The Pharmacists)

This song is amazing, I love it. The lyrics, I wish I could post them all up, but Im too lazy too. Thanks again to Nervosa and her blog for the music. If there's one thing that can really get to me, it's msusic, so yeah, i dont really know where I'm going with this, lol.

Yah, so today, I totally lost control. F-in *pinged*, (word i came across in forbiden fruits blog, i think its geniouse). I did it last saturday, and this saturday. Wtf, im noticing a pattern, and i need to break it. I also think its my moms fault. When she's home, she's just always bugging me about what I ate, and asking me to help her in the kitchen, when all I really feel like doing is running. But then there she is again, telling me to stop, because Im bothering our rentor, (a snobby old hag), who lives in our basement. )The treadmill is kind of noisy...)

It's a hell hole, and Im trying trying my best. You guys are all so wonderfull for your words. Rain, you just totally cracked me up, I will do that, (invest in a good concealer). Tryed on the jeans again after the purge, surprised to find, my stomach didnt feel like a pregnant womans like it used to do after a pinge. And the scale is on my side for now, but we shall see if any damage was done tomarow morning.

That is also when I will post my weigh-in wieght,(reminder for those of you are participating in the challenge...)
Peace out...xxoo

Ofcourse she's okay...

2009-11-06T12:10:00.000-08:00

So yesturday, I got passport picture taken. Sister say's "Jeez, you should really eat more, look at how sunken in your eyes are." Sunken in eyes? That's not attractive. Whatever, Im starting to care less and less about others think. Care less about finding a job. It's so hard, for a high school graduate. Especially for one that honestly doe'snt care for her own health. How in the world is she supposed to smile at customers and pretend as if everythings okay???

Ofcourse, I went to some interviews, but no dice. Pretending on I go...

I love how my body wants nourishment, but my will powers not allowing it. Lovely feeling. I'm imagining lower and lower numbers on the scale. Also I find myself throwing on any type of clothes, and not worrying if it looks good or not. Needing my little sisters belt to keep my fat girl jeans up.

I'm not giving this feeling up for anything, .... Rock On, Skinnies!!!

P.S, thanx for all ur lovely comments... =)

I dream of Bagels

2009-11-04T13:48:00.000-08:00

Hey, again. Wow, I got a lot of comments on how cool my sis is, she is, and yeah, it has a lot to do with just sheilding her away from the big bad world of body issues.

So the weirdest thing happened last night. I woke up in the middle of the night, maybe 3.30 am, morning, watever, and i had woken up because of my stomach. Like jeez, it was grumbling so bad, I coudnt even sleep. But then I felt my hipbones. And my boyfreind came to mind as well. And then, well, what can I say? The thought of him completely drove away my hunger pains, and I thought of him instead... :),,,

Oh, yeah and I had awoken from a dream in which I had eaten a whole bagel. (!),, hehehe, I am so wierd...

hope you guys are doing well, stay strong!!!

Happy November! =)

2009-11-03T09:27:00.000-08:00

So, last few days have been really good, but I'm still stuggling with the dinner time munchies. It's allmost as if my body know's that this is the last time it will get food for the day, and it try's to shove as much as it can down my throat. CONTROL. Control is the goal.

Also I've decided to only wiegh myself on Saturday's. That's when the weight loss competition wiegh in is as well. I am the kinf of girl who normally weigh's herself obsessivly every morning, and sometimes at nights. So lets see how this go's. Everyone will know my wieght, when I finally get to know it as well.

I find that when Im doing well, (restricting and exercising), I dont have much to say on this blog... hmmm. So if I dont post, you should take that as a good sign..hehehe.

Bought 2-3 pairs of new jeans. They fit buuuut, just being able to button and zip is just not good enogh for me, you know? I will only feel comfortable when they sag, ever so slightly, (and clothes can shrink in the wash! eeps!)...

I hate how Im so small on top, and huge on bottom. Everything I eat, go's to my thighs.. *sigh*, even the last time I was 131, the hips and thighs are always the last to go..! I hate it!!!

I want to evetually wiegh less than my little sister, and be able to wear her jeans. That would mean, I actually have accomplished something on this quest of thinness. My sister, I really love her. Through all my fad diets, bulimia, and now barely eating and exercising like a maniac, she has never called me fat. She has never said: those jeans make your butt look big.

She is smaller, and prettier than me, but never once has she ever made fun of me, or any fat person. I'm going to try and take a leaf out of her book, and try to be the same way. I also have to keep my ways secret, because the last thing I want, is for my sister to end up like me: A weight-obsessed maniac, who's worth rely's on the numbers on the scale, (not really, but you know how important it is to us)...

So yeah, I hope you are all doing well, I love reading your blogs more than I like posting, lol...
Stay Strong everyone, the finish line is not far... (!)

Happy Halloween Everybody!!!

2009-10-31T10:46:00.000-07:00

I didnt post for a while, because I've just been really exhausted thanks to my new freind Mr.Treadmill. So far it's been about 3 days since I got it, and the thing is just so addictive. Im going to try and give myself a break, but I love the sweat, the feeling of absolute exhaustion that I get afterwards. And it's so reasurring that it burns the calories right up, of which would otherwise be keeping me up all night. I love the PAIN!!! =)

My legs are changing in shape. I havent seen the 140's since I started exercising, and I intend to keep up this cycle of goodness. I couldnt have done it without you guys though. =)

Yah, so about Halloween, odly I dont feel any interest or temptation for candy. In my head, it's like why in the world would I let all my hard work go to waste, for some stupid candy? No Siree Bob, not happening.

It's so strange, this same time last year, I was a full on bulimic. And I was spiralling down hard. This time around, I'm doing it for Ana, and I feel so good! Ahhh, 125 is not far now, it seems so close. And plus, this time I have you guys, and this blog.

Much love always, xxoo...

Yay! A new Treadmill for the Fatty.

2009-10-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

Yesturday after a horrific binge, I was pleased to find that my parents bought a new treadmill. I swear it's a sign. I was thinking omg, how the hell am i going to live with myself after this stupid binge, but then i assembled the new treadmill and off i went.
OMG. The people in the gyms and on t.v make it look so easy. It freakin hurt! I am really out of shape!

So, yeah I guess it just takes some mistakes (binges), and a treadmill in the living room, to get me off my fat ass. Lovely.

Stay Strong!

Is this what you call progress?

2009-10-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

Since I've started this blog I've gone from a wieght of about 147 to 138, (what i am now). That's a loss of about 9 pounds. I've gone from crazy out-of-control bulimic, to a restricting Anamia. It's happening, it's happening slowly but it's happening. Urrrggh. I dont really know what the point of this post is. I think I may be pms-ing.

My life sucks. I cant find a job. My parents make too much money and so we cant turn to the government to help fund my education. My parents dont even care about furthering my education. I have no one. I'll have to be all no my own out in the real world. Everyone say's they care. But they dont really. They have problems of their own.

Withering away. In my own sadness. Being empty, getting smaller, atleast looking better and prettier everyday is something. Takes away the sadness. If only for a little while...

P.S= I am joining Strawberry Shortcakes weight-loss competition which starts this halloween. Join...? :)
The Linky Dink = http://www.competition2lose.blogspot.com/

I cant beleive I didnt give in

2009-10-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

Ahaahahaha, in your stupid face 139, I was 138 after my fast. Everything went great. I was out most of the day,doing errands and laundry, cam back showered, didnt even have time to dwell on food. It's around 6pm that I felt a little weak, but I didnt give up. Thanks everyone for all you great comments..

Haha Im getting so exited over a one day fast. Oh well, small steps- I loved it, and I'll definatly try to do it more often and for longer periods.

Well not much else to report. Im gonna catch up on all your lovely blogs now...

=)

Saturday Fast

2009-10-24T10:05:00.000-07:00

I freaking messed up again last night.
The only way to try and fix it in my head is to fast. And thats what I am going to do. Only water and calorie-less drinks for me today.... i binged on rice. Rice is hard to make come up again. I tried my best. The rest I am going to Fast off today. Thats the plan. I need this. I absolutly hated the feeling of food in my stomach. The way it made me bloat, and gassy, urrrggghh. Fuck food today. I am so not eating. Shud have never trusted mia. Ana's girl completely... She doesnt let me down.

I just have to do this Fast. Easy.

Inspiration for a better tommarow...

2009-10-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

So I purged last night for the first time in about a month. I know Im not cured in any way, last nights incident proves this. I just try my hardest to do it as less as possible.
WHAT COMES OVER US????????????????????????????
Like seriously. I had planned everything out. I even read rains and felicity's awesome helpfull comments.. It was all planned out and ready to be executed. But it didnt happen. Something snapped and I was swept backwards into my cravings.

Conflicting thoughts going thru my head:
"If you stop now, there might not be that much damage!",
"Keep going, your body is craving these things, you can purge it out later.."
"Eat you fatso, then dont purge, that will teach you"
"If only you werent so obsessed about all of this, you would'nt be in this mess"
--"But then maybe I wouldnt be as skinny as I am now..."

All of these thoughts. Probably more and all the mean while, I am trying to shut them up with food.
And so I did. It hurt. I always eat some spicy stuff, (I never learn, lol). People started knocking on the bathroom door at one point. I didnt care, this was more important...

It happens. Life happens. Its nice to get it out on this blog. To reflect.
Thank goodness, I didnt gain (yet). And even if I did, it's OKAY. I have enough strength I think to dust myself off, and try again. Only 14 pounds are standing in the way... :) Just a bump in the road. One day-one slip up...

I had a dream that someone was telling me they think I 'm getting fatter. That is inspiration enough for me to do better... :)

Stay Strong = stay sexy.. ;)
xxoo, Razzzzz....