when all else is falling apart...

We all know that our disordered ways are based on our needs for complete and utter CONTROL. This could not be more true for me... It doesnt feel as if anyone, (ecxept you guys, ur awesome like that), really cares about me. It feels like I am a puppet, and the strings are no longer in my hands. This control i have over my food, is my own. My own little string...

Ahhhhhhh...I hope it will never snap, but get only stronger.. no matter what anyone does to break it as well.
Does that make sense? Anyway, it did in my head..

So anywhoo, past few days have been really good, calorie-wise, all under 600-700 cal days, plus just enough exercise, not overoad mode, which tends to make me want to eat more.

I caught a glimpse of myself in a stores video security camera t.v thingy.... My face didnt look too bad, but then i backed up a few steps, and noticed how big i looked in my layered winter clothing, and stupid black jeans, that arent really jeans, but stretchy shit, because im such a fatass...

B.M.I-wise im normal. I am average. But as we all know, this disease is often called the "perfectionists disease". And no, thank you average or normal is not good enough for me... I will not stop, untill I see perfection... Thank you for all who commented, and helped me to realize this...

Hope you are all doing well, Stay Strong xxoo!

Skinnier than you...

Look how far, look far she still has to go...

So, like a lot of post's that I've read of late, I too have not been doing so hot. (If you are, well__ =D). I dont know why I'm so down. Granted, I did pinge, twice. And now im super bloated, the scale says i've gained 2 pounds, and that is 2 pounds too many!!!!
Hope: that its just food weight, and it'll help the 'plataue'.

It's all too easy. It's all too easy to give in. But now, its been a day or two and i am doing better. Im hoping i dont make the same mistakes i did last time, when i had finally gotten down to 131. Meaning, that there will no longer be the words *binging or *purging in my dictionary. I will force my self to NOT purge, even after a binge, so that I can push my self even harder to do better the next day. That is what tomarow is for, right?

And im going to go easy on the exersice. I read that weight-loss is 80% diet, and only 20% exercise!!! Because i think all of that exercising led to me getting super hungry, hence the 2 pinges...

Please call me all of the bad words you can think of,, i truly deserve it, i've been so out-of-wackh lately... I really wouldnt mind,,=D

Hope you all r doing 100x better than me...
"Fight the food!"

They know how hard you try...

"Not doctors nor your mom and dad but, me and Mia, Ann and Ana, know how hard you try, I can see it in your eyes, see it in your spine..." (Me and Mia by : TedLeo/The Pharmacists)

This song is amazing, I love it. The lyrics, I wish I could post them all up, but Im too lazy too. Thanks again to Nervosa and her blog for the music. If there's one thing that can really get to me, it's msusic, so yeah, i dont really know where I'm going with this, lol.

Yah, so today, I totally lost control. F-in *pinged*, (word i came across in forbiden fruits blog, i think its geniouse). I did it last saturday, and this saturday. Wtf, im noticing a pattern, and i need to break it. I also think its my moms fault. When she's home, she's just always bugging me about what I ate, and asking me to help her in the kitchen, when all I really feel like doing is running. But then there she is again, telling me to stop, because Im bothering our rentor, (a snobby old hag), who lives in our basement. )The treadmill is kind of noisy...)

It's a hell hole, and Im trying trying my best. You guys are all so wonderfull for your words. Rain, you just totally cracked me up, I will do that, (invest in a good concealer). Tryed on the jeans again after the purge, surprised to find, my stomach didnt feel like a pregnant womans like it used to do after a pinge. And the scale is on my side for now, but we shall see if any damage was done tomarow morning.

That is also when I will post my weigh-in wieght,(reminder for those of you are participating in the challenge...)
Peace out...xxoo

Ofcourse she's okay...

So yesturday, I got passport picture taken. Sister say's "Jeez, you should really eat more, look at how sunken in your eyes are." Sunken in eyes? That's not attractive. Whatever, Im starting to care less and less about others think. Care less about finding a job. It's so hard, for a high school graduate. Especially for one that honestly doe'snt care for her own health. How in the world is she supposed to smile at customers and pretend as if everythings okay???

Ofcourse, I went to some interviews, but no dice. Pretending on I go...

I love how my body wants nourishment, but my will powers not allowing it. Lovely feeling. I'm imagining lower and lower numbers on the scale. Also I find myself throwing on any type of clothes, and not worrying if it looks good or not. Needing my little sisters belt to keep my fat girl jeans up.

I'm not giving this feeling up for anything, .... Rock On, Skinnies!!!

P.S, thanx for all ur lovely comments... =)

I dream of Bagels

Hey, again. Wow, I got a lot of comments on how cool my sis is, she is, and yeah, it has a lot to do with just sheilding her away from the big bad world of body issues.

So the weirdest thing happened last night. I woke up in the middle of the night, maybe 3.30 am, morning, watever, and i had woken up because of my stomach. Like jeez, it was grumbling so bad, I coudnt even sleep. But then I felt my hipbones. And my boyfreind came to mind as well. And then, well, what can I say? The thought of him completely drove away my hunger pains, and I thought of him instead... :),,,

Oh, yeah and I had awoken from a dream in which I had eaten a whole bagel. (!),, hehehe, I am so wierd...

hope you guys are doing well, stay strong!!!

Happy November! =)

So, last few days have been really good, but I'm still stuggling with the dinner time munchies. It's allmost as if my body know's that this is the last time it will get food for the day, and it try's to shove as much as it can down my throat. CONTROL. Control is the goal.

Also I've decided to only wiegh myself on Saturday's. That's when the weight loss competition wiegh in is as well. I am the kinf of girl who normally weigh's herself obsessivly every morning, and sometimes at nights. So lets see how this go's. Everyone will know my wieght, when I finally get to know it as well.

I find that when Im doing well, (restricting and exercising), I dont have much to say on this blog... hmmm. So if I dont post, you should take that as a good sign..hehehe.

Bought 2-3 pairs of new jeans. They fit buuuut, just being able to button and zip is just not good enogh for me, you know? I will only feel comfortable when they sag, ever so slightly, (and clothes can shrink in the wash! eeps!)...

I hate how Im so small on top, and huge on bottom. Everything I eat, go's to my thighs.. *sigh*, even the last time I was 131, the hips and thighs are always the last to go..! I hate it!!!

I want to evetually wiegh less than my little sister, and be able to wear her jeans. That would mean, I actually have accomplished something on this quest of thinness. My sister, I really love her. Through all my fad diets, bulimia, and now barely eating and exercising like a maniac, she has never called me fat. She has never said: those jeans make your butt look big.

She is smaller, and prettier than me, but never once has she ever made fun of me, or any fat person. I'm going to try and take a leaf out of her book, and try to be the same way. I also have to keep my ways secret, because the last thing I want, is for my sister to end up like me: A weight-obsessed maniac, who's worth rely's on the numbers on the scale, (not really, but you know how important it is to us)...

So yeah, I hope you are all doing well, I love reading your blogs more than I like posting, lol...
Stay Strong everyone, the finish line is not far... (!)