I tried to not count calories and just starve on like that, for one whole day. I couldnt even do it. I remember putting away the journal I write my intake in. And then taking it out again after breakfast. I HAVE to know. I have to have control. I cant be normal. I just cant...(!) The numbers have me in their grip.
Fight the FAT>>>!!!!!
xxoo
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
136.8 + a little TMI...
I lost another pound! Im happy, but at the same scared that this momentum I have going is not going to last. Because I saw this number after I PINGED the night before. The pinge made my stomach all crampy, and I swear I took the biggest shit of my life, (sorry if this is t.m.i!!). I felt like I was dying!!! Punishment I'm guessing it was sort of like. In the morning I woke up and wieghed my self, and the scale said: 137.4, but then I had to go again!!! Jeez..
Weighed yet again, and the numbers 136.8 showed up. Got off. And stepped on again: 136.8. Hmmm... Now, Im not complaining if my occasional pinges can sometimes lead to lower numbers, but I almost felt as though the scale's lying to me. I hope not.
Thanksgiving was okay, nobody forced me to eat, because I told them I had a tummy ache, (I didnt even have to lie, because it was true). Good timing stomach, if I dont say so myself..:) Happy Thanksgiving people's!!!!
Weighed yet again, and the numbers 136.8 showed up. Got off. And stepped on again: 136.8. Hmmm... Now, Im not complaining if my occasional pinges can sometimes lead to lower numbers, but I almost felt as though the scale's lying to me. I hope not.
Thanksgiving was okay, nobody forced me to eat, because I told them I had a tummy ache, (I didnt even have to lie, because it was true). Good timing stomach, if I dont say so myself..:) Happy Thanksgiving people's!!!!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Survey thingy..
Size: anywhere from a 4 to a 9. (US)
Age: 18
Highest Weight: 187lb
Lowest Weight: 131lbs
Goal Weight: as close to 100 as possible…
Favorite Diet Food?
Black Coffee and Oatmeal…
Favorite Binge Food?
Chocolate,, (I love/hate it sooo bad!!)
Favorite Exercise?
Running & Dancing (horribly, but who cares..=D)..
Thinspo?
Love model thinspo. When I was at my thinnest, people used to say I looked one. I need that back…
What Makes You Slip Up?
Stress and Boredom..
What Makes You Strong?
My boo, and looking noticing more and more lovely bones..
When Did It Start?
After my first job. Begging of 12th grade.. Age 17- today.
Does Anyone Know?
Siblings.
Do You Want Help?
Help? From what? Perfection? No thank you… : /
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
Usually its 500 give or take a few…
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
Huge stomach, huge ass, jiggly thighs, bad skin. Failure.
Are You In A Relationship?
Yes
Is It For Attention?
No, actually the complete opposite. I want to fade into nothingness… And plus I think you get more attention when your fat, because nothing looks good on you anyway, and people judge you , etc , etc..
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
Neither (???)
Are You Depressed?
I've never been diagnosed so technically, no.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
Once.
Ever Been To A Psychologist?
No
Are You On Any Medication?
No
I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[x] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan
PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me
I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[x, but only mia.] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills-(never tried em yet, suggestions for some good one's would be appreciated :)
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
I HATE -
[ ] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[] feeling this way
[ ] fat people
I NEED -
[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs
Age: 18
Highest Weight: 187lb
Lowest Weight: 131lbs
Goal Weight: as close to 100 as possible…
Favorite Diet Food?
Black Coffee and Oatmeal…
Favorite Binge Food?
Chocolate,, (I love/hate it sooo bad!!)
Favorite Exercise?
Running & Dancing (horribly, but who cares..=D)..
Thinspo?
Love model thinspo. When I was at my thinnest, people used to say I looked one. I need that back…
What Makes You Slip Up?
Stress and Boredom..
What Makes You Strong?
My boo, and looking noticing more and more lovely bones..
When Did It Start?
After my first job. Begging of 12th grade.. Age 17- today.
Does Anyone Know?
Siblings.
Do You Want Help?
Help? From what? Perfection? No thank you… : /
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
Usually its 500 give or take a few…
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
Huge stomach, huge ass, jiggly thighs, bad skin. Failure.
Are You In A Relationship?
Yes
Is It For Attention?
No, actually the complete opposite. I want to fade into nothingness… And plus I think you get more attention when your fat, because nothing looks good on you anyway, and people judge you , etc , etc..
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
Neither (???)
Are You Depressed?
I've never been diagnosed so technically, no.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
Once.
Ever Been To A Psychologist?
No
Are You On Any Medication?
No
I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[x] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan
PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me
I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[x, but only mia.] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills-(never tried em yet, suggestions for some good one's would be appreciated :)
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
I HATE -
[ ] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[] feeling this way
[ ] fat people
I NEED -
[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs
Saturday, November 21, 2009
137.2
Ha! I was about to type my weight for the day 173 instead of 137,,teeheehee, no ways man, I am so not going back there again.
So yesturday, there was cheese cake. White, crumbly, soft **fattening*** cheesecake. Yes. I ate it. Yes, I purged untill my eyeballs felt like they were going pop out. No, I did not enjoy it at all. (But proud of myself that i was able to get it up at all). While I was eating it, I felt so scared, it's hard to explain. Heart thumping, arguments raging in my head, I almost thought I was going crazy. Ana's voice always seems loudest when you're screwing up, why is that?
Anyblue... Im losing weight, Im over my plataue, and I didnt gain anything from that cheesecake pinge, so all is well. Im a good lyer, I learned just yesturday.
My mother asks: "did you have your dinner"?
Me: "uhhh, yeeeeaahhh"
Mom:" It was delicouse wasnt it, i put blah blah blah in it and so much effort, blah blah blah.."
Me: "Yep!, I especally loved the ______" (What ever it was she made..lol)
I should be an actor :)
Im going to try and not weigh myself so much, so that I can be pleasantly surprised by lower and lower numbers. And plus, I hate undressing to wiegh myself, in this cold, rainy and depressing city. I think I read somewhere that Seattle is one of the most depressing city's on earth. Hmmm, Im not surprised...
Not much else to say, I hope you are all doing well, whether you are ana, mia, ednos, or blessidly normal...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooooooooo "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"-Kate Moss
So yesturday, there was cheese cake. White, crumbly, soft **fattening*** cheesecake. Yes. I ate it. Yes, I purged untill my eyeballs felt like they were going pop out. No, I did not enjoy it at all. (But proud of myself that i was able to get it up at all). While I was eating it, I felt so scared, it's hard to explain. Heart thumping, arguments raging in my head, I almost thought I was going crazy. Ana's voice always seems loudest when you're screwing up, why is that?
Anyblue... Im losing weight, Im over my plataue, and I didnt gain anything from that cheesecake pinge, so all is well. Im a good lyer, I learned just yesturday.
My mother asks: "did you have your dinner"?
Me: "uhhh, yeeeeaahhh"
Mom:" It was delicouse wasnt it, i put blah blah blah in it and so much effort, blah blah blah.."
Me: "Yep!, I especally loved the ______" (What ever it was she made..lol)
I should be an actor :)
Im going to try and not weigh myself so much, so that I can be pleasantly surprised by lower and lower numbers. And plus, I hate undressing to wiegh myself, in this cold, rainy and depressing city. I think I read somewhere that Seattle is one of the most depressing city's on earth. Hmmm, Im not surprised...
Not much else to say, I hope you are all doing well, whether you are ana, mia, ednos, or blessidly normal...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooooooooo "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"-Kate Moss
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
137.8
See that number up there? That's how much I weigh now!!! Yay!! During my evil bulimia spell last year, when I kept gaining and gaining, I never thought I would be able to see the 130's again! And now, 125 (my first goal weight), is only 12 pounds away! I will do this! I have too! Its a challenge to my self, to prove to myself, of how strong I can really be.
I am 137.8, and on my period. wow... When I read some other blogs, i am amazed at how thin some of you really are. I'm not gonna lie, I look up to you girls. You guys helped me to stop the binge-purge cycle, (eviiiiiiiil).
So, I think its time I actually disclosed my hieght. I am the average 137.8 pounds and 5ft 4 inch. **gasp**, thats not nearly skinny enough, and I realize this. My b.m.i is 23.5. Yap, thats me, hate me or love me. Either way, this is only the begining I assure you, of the transformation of fat, boring me, into the sex bomb she really is. I also feel thats its a good thing that I am starting to feel fatter, the more wieght I lose. It's a good thing.
Also boyfreind took off his shirt. ;( , damn him, he is so thin. He said I look good too, but I dont see it. Oh, and he said he meant to say that he weighs 141 pounds. So what? He's taller than me, and looks like a string bean. When we go out, we look like beauty and the beast, and no I am not the beauty. hehe. Am I weird for thinking like this, but I kind of want to break up with him for awhile, untill I find a job, and actually reach 125, so that I feel more comfortable with him and myself? Am I a weirdo or what? I just think that he deserves better... How can I love someone, when I cant even love myself...?
Stay Strong everyone, love you guys!!!! xxxooo
I am 137.8, and on my period. wow... When I read some other blogs, i am amazed at how thin some of you really are. I'm not gonna lie, I look up to you girls. You guys helped me to stop the binge-purge cycle, (eviiiiiiiil).
So, I think its time I actually disclosed my hieght. I am the average 137.8 pounds and 5ft 4 inch. **gasp**, thats not nearly skinny enough, and I realize this. My b.m.i is 23.5. Yap, thats me, hate me or love me. Either way, this is only the begining I assure you, of the transformation of fat, boring me, into the sex bomb she really is. I also feel thats its a good thing that I am starting to feel fatter, the more wieght I lose. It's a good thing.
Also boyfreind took off his shirt. ;( , damn him, he is so thin. He said I look good too, but I dont see it. Oh, and he said he meant to say that he weighs 141 pounds. So what? He's taller than me, and looks like a string bean. When we go out, we look like beauty and the beast, and no I am not the beauty. hehe. Am I weird for thinking like this, but I kind of want to break up with him for awhile, untill I find a job, and actually reach 125, so that I feel more comfortable with him and myself? Am I a weirdo or what? I just think that he deserves better... How can I love someone, when I cant even love myself...?
Stay Strong everyone, love you guys!!!! xxxooo
Friday, November 13, 2009
when all else is falling apart...
We all know that our disordered ways are based on our needs for complete and utter CONTROL. This could not be more true for me... It doesnt feel as if anyone, (ecxept you guys, ur awesome like that), really cares about me. It feels like I am a puppet, and the strings are no longer in my hands. This control i have over my food, is my own. My own little string...
Ahhhhhhh...I hope it will never snap, but get only stronger.. no matter what anyone does to break it as well.
Does that make sense? Anyway, it did in my head..
So anywhoo, past few days have been really good, calorie-wise, all under 600-700 cal days, plus just enough exercise, not overoad mode, which tends to make me want to eat more.
I caught a glimpse of myself in a stores video security camera t.v thingy.... My face didnt look too bad, but then i backed up a few steps, and noticed how big i looked in my layered winter clothing, and stupid black jeans, that arent really jeans, but stretchy shit, because im such a fatass...
B.M.I-wise im normal. I am average. But as we all know, this disease is often called the "perfectionists disease". And no, thank you average or normal is not good enough for me... I will not stop, untill I see perfection... Thank you for all who commented, and helped me to realize this...
Hope you are all doing well, Stay Strong xxoo!
Ahhhhhhh...I hope it will never snap, but get only stronger.. no matter what anyone does to break it as well.
Does that make sense? Anyway, it did in my head..
So anywhoo, past few days have been really good, calorie-wise, all under 600-700 cal days, plus just enough exercise, not overoad mode, which tends to make me want to eat more.
I caught a glimpse of myself in a stores video security camera t.v thingy.... My face didnt look too bad, but then i backed up a few steps, and noticed how big i looked in my layered winter clothing, and stupid black jeans, that arent really jeans, but stretchy shit, because im such a fatass...
B.M.I-wise im normal. I am average. But as we all know, this disease is often called the "perfectionists disease". And no, thank you average or normal is not good enough for me... I will not stop, untill I see perfection... Thank you for all who commented, and helped me to realize this...
Hope you are all doing well, Stay Strong xxoo!
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