Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Mind over body, Mind over body, Mind over the FREAKING BODY!!!!

I love you guys! :D  Thnks for all of your supportive comments, they really do help!

Drinking that black coffee as usual, but crying this time through sips. It's one thing to be really over-wieght and then lose it quickly, be happy with your self, yadda yadda yadda, all that good stuff.

But its quiet another when your like me. Near anorexic one moment, then pinging, then losing, and now stagnating. I undrstand why people cut themselves now. It didnt make sense before, but now it does.

No more stagnating. Im sick of stagnating, seeing these same numbers day after day!!!

Right now I am exhuasted. Woke up this morning b/ped, because i thought "hey, i could just burn it off through out the day". So that's the plan. Damage control day today, ***lots*** of exercise, cleansing etc. Water water water. No more b/p-ing!!! I promise you all !

Then under 1,000 calorie days untill the 2nd of Feburary, (weigh-in day).
Wish me luck, :

Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat,the luckier u get! ;)

Friday, January 15, 2010

Hey, im back :)

Today I fasted. I dont remember it being this hard! Maybe it's because along with not eating all day, I killed my self at the gym. Going to pass out on the pillow now, but before I do..

This one day fast will hopefully break my recent binge-purge cycle, before it gets to seriouse, you know what I mean?

And also Im having irregular periods. Like it'll come for 2 days. Leave for one then come back for 2 or more days. Web MD claims this can occur due to bulimia, overexercise and stress. Check, check and

I hate how my little sister can eat so much and not gain any wieght. And here I am, struggling so much.

I have absolutly hated these past 2 weeks or so, of control-less eating. I'm obviously bulimic, because I restrict my diet. And not dieting is the only way to stop the binge purge cycle, (or so I've read).

But you know what? I guess I dont remember how to eat anymore. I cant be normal and do that, "just stop eating when your full, eat only when your hungry" jazz. I dont know how to eat, with out counting every single calorie, stressing, measuring, etc, etc.

You bloggers out there understand this, I'm sure. All we want is perfection. Is it too much to ask?
Bye for now, and remember YOU ARE STRONGER THAN FOOD!!!!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Back on Track!

It took awhile and a horrible binge fest of a holiday season, but I am now back on track and I know that this time, binging and purging is so nooot worth it. Im gonna give it my all. Urrrrggghhh, i hate living my parents. They buy all the food, and its so frustrating, cause they all eat so freaking much..

Oh well, my new personal motto is: "rise against". Ie, I should try to rise against temptation, cravings, fattening food, family freinds who "care", and against mia. All those things and more. I will rise against. And rise gorgeouse and thin. I will never give up. I will accept the occasional bump, but i will never give up on this.

Hope you all are doing well.

My new (pretty reasonable goals):

January: 138
Feb: -4 pounds so 134
march: -5 pounds so 129
april: 124
may: 120-125== 1st goal reached in time for my birthday :D
august: 100 perfect-(ish), maybe more we'll see..

Monday, January 4, 2010

What happens when you run out tears?

Didnt post for awhile because family from canada decided to come over and ruin my perfectly executed plans to fast on new years eve eve..:(

Ended up eating more than I would have liked.

Was so depressed after they left.

Binged and purged.

Up untill 2.30 in the morning trying to undue the damage.

Yes, I realized that I was undoing all of my hard work while I sat there and gorged...

Because you see, I decided not to kill myself last night, and in return this bing attack was my brains way of "rewarding" myself for this (?)

Allmost choked and suffocated on my own vomit. Scary stuff.

But todays a new day. Another chance.

Whatever it takes to get there...xxoo