Not count calories? R u f-ing kidding me???

I tried to not count calories and just starve on like that, for one whole day. I couldnt even do it. I remember putting away the journal I write my intake in. And then taking it out again after breakfast. I HAVE to know. I have to have control. I cant be normal. I just cant...(!) The numbers have me in their grip.

Fight the FAT>>>!!!!!
xxoo

136.8 + a little TMI...

I lost another pound! Im happy, but at the same scared that this momentum I have going is not going to last. Because I saw this number after I PINGED the night before. The pinge made my stomach all crampy, and I swear I took the biggest shit of my life, (sorry if this is t.m.i!!). I felt like I was dying!!! Punishment I'm guessing it was sort of like. In the morning I woke up and wieghed my self, and the scale said: 137.4, but then I had to go again!!! Jeez..

Weighed yet again, and the numbers 136.8 showed up. Got off. And stepped on again: 136.8. Hmmm... Now, Im not complaining if my occasional pinges can sometimes lead to lower numbers, but I almost felt as though the scale's lying to me. I hope not.

Thanksgiving was okay, nobody forced me to eat, because I told them I had a tummy ache, (I didnt even have to lie, because it was true). Good timing stomach, if I dont say so myself..:)  Happy Thanksgiving people's!!!!

Survey thingy..

Size: anywhere from a 4 to a 9. (US)

Age: 18
Highest Weight: 187lb
Lowest Weight: 131lbs
Goal Weight: as close to 100 as possible…


Favorite Diet Food?
Black Coffee and Oatmeal…


Favorite Binge Food?
Chocolate,, (I love/hate it sooo bad!!)


Favorite Exercise?
Running & Dancing (horribly, but who cares..=D)..


Thinspo?
Love model thinspo. When I was at my thinnest, people used to say I looked one. I need that back…


What Makes You Slip Up?
Stress and Boredom..


What Makes You Strong?
My boo, and looking noticing more and more lovely bones..


When Did It Start?
After my first job. Begging of 12th grade.. Age 17- today.


Does Anyone Know?
Siblings.


Do You Want Help?
Help? From what? Perfection? No thank you… : /


How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
Usually its 500 give or take a few…


What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
Huge stomach, huge ass, jiggly thighs, bad skin. Failure.


Are You In A Relationship?
Yes


Is It For Attention?
No, actually the complete opposite. I want to fade into nothingness… And plus I think you get more attention when your fat, because nothing looks good on you anyway, and people judge you , etc , etc..


Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
Neither (???)


Are You Depressed?
I've never been diagnosed so technically, no.


Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
Once.


Ever Been To A Psychologist?
No


Are You On Any Medication?
No


I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[x] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan


PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me


I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[x, but only mia.] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear


I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills-(never tried em yet, suggestions for some good one's would be appreciated :)
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself


I HATE -
[ ] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[] feeling this way
[ ] fat people


I NEED -
[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs

137.2

Ha! I was about to type my weight for the day 173 instead of 137,,teeheehee, no ways man, I am so not going back there again.

So yesturday, there was cheese cake. White, crumbly, soft **fattening*** cheesecake. Yes. I ate it. Yes, I purged untill my eyeballs felt like they were going pop out. No, I did not enjoy it at all. (But proud of myself that i was able to get it up at all). While I was eating it, I felt so scared, it's hard to explain. Heart thumping, arguments raging in my head, I almost thought I was going crazy. Ana's voice always seems loudest when you're screwing up, why is that?

Anyblue... Im losing weight, Im over my plataue, and I didnt gain anything from that cheesecake pinge, so all is well. Im a good lyer, I learned just yesturday.
My mother asks: "did you have your dinner"?
Me: "uhhh, yeeeeaahhh"
Mom:" It was delicouse wasnt it, i put blah blah blah in it and so much effort, blah blah blah.."
Me: "Yep!, I especally loved the ______" (What ever it was she made..lol)
I should be an actor :)

Im going to try and not weigh myself so much, so that I can be pleasantly surprised by lower and lower numbers. And plus, I hate undressing to wiegh myself, in this cold, rainy and depressing city. I think I read somewhere that Seattle is one of the most depressing city's on earth. Hmmm, Im not surprised...

Not much else to say, I hope you are all doing well, whether you are ana, mia, ednos, or blessidly  normal...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooooooooo "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"-Kate Moss

137.8

See that number up there? That's how much I weigh now!!! Yay!! During my evil bulimia spell last year, when I kept gaining and gaining, I never thought I would be able to see the 130's again! And now, 125 (my first goal weight), is only 12 pounds away! I will do this! I have too! Its a challenge to my self, to prove to myself, of how strong I can really be.

I am 137.8, and on my period. wow... When I read some other blogs, i am amazed at how thin some of you really are. I'm not gonna lie, I look up to you girls. You guys helped me to stop the binge-purge cycle, (eviiiiiiiil).

So, I think its time I actually disclosed my hieght. I am the average 137.8 pounds and 5ft 4 inch. **gasp**, thats not nearly skinny enough, and I realize this. My b.m.i is 23.5. Yap, thats me, hate me or love me. Either way, this is only the begining I assure you, of the transformation of fat, boring me, into the sex bomb she really is. I also feel thats its a good thing that I am starting to feel fatter, the more wieght I lose. It's a good thing.

Also boyfreind took off his shirt. ;( , damn him, he is so thin. He said I look good too, but I dont see it. Oh, and he said he meant to say that he weighs 141 pounds. So what? He's taller than me, and looks like a string bean. When we go out, we look like beauty and the beast, and no I am not the beauty. hehe. Am I weird for thinking like this, but I kind of want to break up with him for awhile, untill I find a job, and actually reach 125, so that I feel more comfortable with him and myself? Am I a weirdo or what? I just think that he deserves better... How can I love someone, when I cant even love myself...?

Stay Strong everyone, love you guys!!!! xxxooo

when all else is falling apart...

We all know that our disordered ways are based on our needs for complete and utter CONTROL. This could not be more true for me... It doesnt feel as if anyone, (ecxept you guys, ur awesome like that), really cares about me. It feels like I am a puppet, and the strings are no longer in my hands. This control i have over my food, is my own. My own little string...

Ahhhhhhh...I hope it will never snap, but get only stronger.. no matter what anyone does to break it as well.
Does that make sense? Anyway, it did in my head..

So anywhoo, past few days have been really good, calorie-wise, all under 600-700 cal days, plus just enough exercise, not overoad mode, which tends to make me want to eat more.

I caught a glimpse of myself in a stores video security camera t.v thingy.... My face didnt look too bad, but then i backed up a few steps, and noticed how big i looked in my layered winter clothing, and stupid black jeans, that arent really jeans, but stretchy shit, because im such a fatass...

B.M.I-wise im normal. I am average. But as we all know, this disease is often called the "perfectionists disease". And no, thank you average or normal is not good enough for me... I will not stop, untill I see perfection... Thank you for all who commented, and helped me to realize this...

Hope you are all doing well, Stay Strong xxoo!

Skinnier than you...

Look how far, look far she still has to go...

So, like a lot of post's that I've read of late, I too have not been doing so hot. (If you are, well__ =D). I dont know why I'm so down. Granted, I did pinge, twice. And now im super bloated, the scale says i've gained 2 pounds, and that is 2 pounds too many!!!!
Hope: that its just food weight, and it'll help the 'plataue'.

It's all too easy. It's all too easy to give in. But now, its been a day or two and i am doing better. Im hoping i dont make the same mistakes i did last time, when i had finally gotten down to 131. Meaning, that there will no longer be the words *binging or *purging in my dictionary. I will force my self to NOT purge, even after a binge, so that I can push my self even harder to do better the next day. That is what tomarow is for, right?

And im going to go easy on the exersice. I read that weight-loss is 80% diet, and only 20% exercise!!! Because i think all of that exercising led to me getting super hungry, hence the 2 pinges...

Please call me all of the bad words you can think of,, i truly deserve it, i've been so out-of-wackh lately... I really wouldnt mind,,=D

Hope you all r doing 100x better than me...
"Fight the food!"

They know how hard you try...

"Not doctors nor your mom and dad but, me and Mia, Ann and Ana, know how hard you try, I can see it in your eyes, see it in your spine..." (Me and Mia by : TedLeo/The Pharmacists)

This song is amazing, I love it. The lyrics, I wish I could post them all up, but Im too lazy too. Thanks again to Nervosa and her blog for the music. If there's one thing that can really get to me, it's msusic, so yeah, i dont really know where I'm going with this, lol.

Yah, so today, I totally lost control. F-in *pinged*, (word i came across in forbiden fruits blog, i think its geniouse). I did it last saturday, and this saturday. Wtf, im noticing a pattern, and i need to break it. I also think its my moms fault. When she's home, she's just always bugging me about what I ate, and asking me to help her in the kitchen, when all I really feel like doing is running. But then there she is again, telling me to stop, because Im bothering our rentor, (a snobby old hag), who lives in our basement. )The treadmill is kind of noisy...)

It's a hell hole, and Im trying trying my best. You guys are all so wonderfull for your words. Rain, you just totally cracked me up, I will do that, (invest in a good concealer). Tryed on the jeans again after the purge, surprised to find, my stomach didnt feel like a pregnant womans like it used to do after a pinge. And the scale is on my side for now, but we shall see if any damage was done tomarow morning.

That is also when I will post my weigh-in wieght,(reminder for those of you are participating in the challenge...)
Peace out...xxoo

Ofcourse she's okay...

So yesturday, I got passport picture taken. Sister say's "Jeez, you should really eat more, look at how sunken in your eyes are." Sunken in eyes? That's not attractive. Whatever, Im starting to care less and less about others think. Care less about finding a job. It's so hard, for a high school graduate. Especially for one that honestly doe'snt care for her own health. How in the world is she supposed to smile at customers and pretend as if everythings okay???

Ofcourse, I went to some interviews, but no dice. Pretending on I go...

I love how my body wants nourishment, but my will powers not allowing it. Lovely feeling. I'm imagining lower and lower numbers on the scale. Also I find myself throwing on any type of clothes, and not worrying if it looks good or not. Needing my little sisters belt to keep my fat girl jeans up.

I'm not giving this feeling up for anything, .... Rock On, Skinnies!!!

P.S, thanx for all ur lovely comments... =)

I dream of Bagels

Hey, again. Wow, I got a lot of comments on how cool my sis is, she is, and yeah, it has a lot to do with just sheilding her away from the big bad world of body issues.

So the weirdest thing happened last night. I woke up in the middle of the night, maybe 3.30 am, morning, watever, and i had woken up because of my stomach. Like jeez, it was grumbling so bad, I coudnt even sleep. But then I felt my hipbones. And my boyfreind came to mind as well. And then, well, what can I say? The thought of him completely drove away my hunger pains, and I thought of him instead... :),,,

Oh, yeah and I had awoken from a dream in which I had eaten a whole bagel. (!),, hehehe, I am so wierd...

hope you guys are doing well, stay strong!!!

Happy November! =)

So, last few days have been really good, but I'm still stuggling with the dinner time munchies. It's allmost as if my body know's that this is the last time it will get food for the day, and it try's to shove as much as it can down my throat. CONTROL. Control is the goal.

Also I've decided to only wiegh myself on Saturday's. That's when the weight loss competition wiegh in is as well. I am the kinf of girl who normally weigh's herself obsessivly every morning, and sometimes at nights. So lets see how this go's. Everyone will know my wieght, when I finally get to know it as well.

I find that when Im doing well, (restricting and exercising), I dont have much to say on this blog... hmmm. So if I dont post, you should take that as a good sign..hehehe.

Bought 2-3 pairs of new jeans. They fit buuuut, just being able to button and zip is just not good enogh for me, you know? I will only feel comfortable when they sag, ever so slightly, (and clothes can shrink in the wash! eeps!)...

I hate how Im so small on top, and huge on bottom. Everything I eat, go's to my thighs.. *sigh*, even the last time I was 131, the hips and thighs are always the last to go..! I hate it!!!

I want to evetually wiegh less than my little sister, and be able to wear her jeans. That would mean, I actually have accomplished something on this quest of thinness. My sister, I really love her. Through all my fad diets, bulimia, and now barely eating and exercising like a maniac, she has never called me fat. She has never said: those jeans make your butt look big.

She is smaller, and prettier than me, but never once has she ever made fun of me, or any fat person. I'm going to try and take a leaf out of her book, and try to be the same way. I also have to keep my ways secret, because the last thing I want, is for my sister to end up like me: A weight-obsessed maniac, who's worth rely's on the numbers on the scale, (not really, but you know how important it is to us)...

So yeah, I hope you are all doing well, I love reading your blogs more than I like posting, lol...
Stay Strong everyone, the finish line is not far... (!)