Monday, May 24, 2010

Awards for the Beauty's!!!

Im going to give this award to the bloggers I've followed that I could relate to and/or i've follwed for the longest here i go:

(in no particular order..)

1.)Peri-- I know you're feeling down cause of your kitty, but you gotta stay strong, but you are allready beatifull, (and hilariouse), so here you go! You deserve it!!!

2.) Twigs--, she was the first to give me this award, and i remember i was feeling superdown at the time i got it. I was one of her 1st blogs, and i appreciate that! :)

3.) Sottile--, cause you just never give up, and have such a positive attidtude, while at the same time being so hard working! I dont know how you do it!!! :O

4.) Rain--, also a blogger to me who always knows how to make a crappy situation into a funny, or ironic one. Famously known for attacking food with haispray. Fight on, girl freind!

5.) Barbie Samantha-- my frst follower. I still remembr how much hope we both had that we would someday succeed. She is awesome and made it so far. She's a total rockstar, and im not there yet, but closer than i was yesturday.

6.) Meg (LEak)-- Also a girl who's made it far despite a lot of crap in her life. Amazingly strong, honest and funny.

7.) And last but not least, bree-- who always has awesome thinspo on her other blog shrunken violets, as well as her own blog where she writes.

It was really hard to chose just seven out of like 186 or so, bloggers, so please dont come after me if you didnt get one! x_X

and i'll post 7 things u didnt knw about me tomarow. I gotta make a mix c.d for my dad's b-day, and a cake for my bro's b-day. (So many f-ing birthdays in may!!!!).

but on the plus side i didnt gain as much  as i had thot!
I also forgave the boyfreind, after much begging and a gorgeouse silver ring.:)))) I love him too much to stay mad, and vis versa....

till tommarow love's !!!  

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Le Plan

Breakfast. Okay over.

Now no more food for the rest of the day. Only water. Good' ol water.

Just writing it down here to keep myself accountable :)

I have family get together, reunion type thing on june 19th. I have to get my act together.

I will succeed.

I love you guys. You guys are like the only voice of reasonI hear, in a crazy f-upped world. So thank you for all your comments and support.

Friday, May 21, 2010




Monday, May 17, 2010

F-in b-day

Oddly this year, i didnt care much for my b-day. B-day = food and food = stress, and food+relatives+party= fat and bloated me.

I am really so ashamed. I seem to forget what self control is when the clock strikes 8.00 pm.

So much food and horrible, horrible (okay they werent that bad), but they were picture's and videos nonetheless...:(

Great day otherwise that and Boyfreind forgetting my birthday.

Who does that?

It makes me want to end it. Even if your buzy, you can atleast call, right???

I birthday binged, but I vowed to my self that at 19 I will give up purging for good.

Was standing in the restroom, but i didnt do it.

And Im still alive?


peace* love *skinny

Friday, May 14, 2010


I need to stop stressing. I need to take a deep breath or two. And just relax.

Not doing so, and over thinking, planning and being too hard on myself , results in binging.

I realize this now.

From now on I will do what makes me HAPPY. Wether, its fasting (like what im doing right now, yummm hunger pangs). Or whether its eating normally, exersicing, restricting or calories cycling.

I need to 'go with the flow', feel my emotions and stop trying to be someone im not.

Im going to be 19 in 2 days, and my last year of being a teenager will be a HAPPY and SKINNY one.

Bye bye saddness, binging and doubts. Your 18 years of reigning over me are over!!!

<3 we will never give up

p.s thanks for the award "twig's can fly". Your a doll, and I've meant to pass it on as well,but i just havent gotten around to it... i will though , :D, it really made my day, cause i never got an award b4 on blogger, so it really special!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Sick as a dog..watever that means

Nose running, eye's watering, pressure in my head. I am sick, but I am not going to use this as an excuse.

Treadmill, here I come!...

This guy keeps flirting with me, even though he know's I have a boyfreind. WTF?... And I allmost took his bait, but some people in this world are loyal to their lovers, and I am one of them. Jeez, where is this world heading?

Thanks for helping me out earlier with your comments. In the end I kinda did a combo of A and I tried to fast, but that only lasted untill 4.00, then i cracked, but managed just to eat a tiny amount, cause that's when my fever was starting to split my head open. so cold... hope you guy's are taking care of yourselves, love you guys :)

*** update-just did that 30 min of jogging and 15 mins or so of warm-ups and cool downs. Forgot to mention I bought the book Wasted, and downloaded "Wintergirls". Excited!!! Finally i get to read what all the fuss is about! :)) Also Bought a new Weight Watcher's scale, that I read some of you had bought. It measure's your pounds, body fat percentage and your water %!! It's not that much more accurate than my regular scale actually, and the body fat percentage keeps changing everytime I step on it? weird... ***

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Advice please?

I need you guy's advice...What do you think would be best?

A.) Fast all day in an attempt to "make up" for todays binge...:(( ( This option could end up being either very successfull, or another disgusting fail...)


B.) Just try to eat as little as I can get away with. (energy will be needed at work, but I really hate eating so soon after a binge, so idk...)

Which option do you think would be best? I have to know what you think, Im so lost right now. Im stuck kinda in the middle you know? Half of me wants to go "hard core" ana and be really strict, but the other half of me know's that this is real life and that stuff happens. (and by stuff i mean calories happen, freinds, family etc happen", and idk, im having a really hard time just balancing everything out.

It's really driving me crazy.

Thanks guys 4 ur comments and your help.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

A mess of Raz's thoughts

If your wondering who Raz is, that's me. ( sorry not that creativly

> sliced me wrist. Like some sort of emo person, (that im not, (?)). Really dont know where that came from. But im not doing it again anytime soon, summer's one month away, and i love my t-shirts, ya know...

> Not spoken to the boyfreind. I want him to take the initiative and make plan's and stuff first. It's always me, and idk, am i dumb, but I feel like I love him more than he loves me, and idk, I hate feeling this vulnerable. So far he's only called twice in like 2 weeks. : / He says he buzy with his exams.--- I am one obbsessive, sorry for boring you...back to the main issue

> Not binged too badly, despite monthly gifts typical cravings, (until tonight, cookies, and i dont want to talk about it.)

> Purged. The mentioned cookies. My eyeballs hurt still, from the pressure, because i had them on an empty stomach, wasnt a whole lot, but stlill calorie dense, so they had to go.

>Poured dish soap on homemade granola bars, so that I woudnt eat them. Haha, it worked...:)

> Mom brug 2% milk, down the drain it went, when she wasnt looking..i hate waisting food, i really do, but it sure beats anwering people's questions. And she had brung it in so lovingly, (after the purge). I think she's trying to fatten me up... hmmm

> im sleepy, but work is gonna suck big time tomarow. (sunday's are our buziest days). Guy's cross your fingers, I get to go home at a decent time...argghhh...stress induced cortisol stomach is the WORST ...

> Good night lovely's...:) And Happy MAY! ..l8er