Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I have decided...

hey guyz, sorry i've been gone so long, when i read my comments yesturday i was flabergasted by how amazing you guys are! Absolutly flabergasted. (Allmost 200 followers? whhaaaa??? huuh? ok ..lol) And during my absense,  have managed to again hold on to that elusive control! (I just 10 mins ago came back from the kitchen, after fighting my fat little greedy fingers from going aywhere near the junky stuff. I am proud of myself. The weight will come by itself, I just need that control back. Keeing in mind, I am trying to be a bit healthier about this stuff I have new rules:

1.) No binging+no purging. >.< , you can eat till your comfortably satisfied, like once or twice a monh to keep your metabolism up(we are all human ), but no B/p!!! No

2.) one day fast mandatory for anytime that you binge! But you wont binge, so this shoudnt be problem. RIGHT!!???

3.) 1500 cals is your max. You can by all means eat less, but thats the limit. I calculated my bmr+my daily activity, and according to it, if i stick to this, i will always have a deficit of something!

4.) 30+ mins of exercise everyday.

Simple rules, there arent many. I'm not going to let anything get me down. Im going to get to point where I used to be comfortable sharing my weight again. Remember those times? Yeah, I want that back so bad! :D

It'll happen, give in time.

In other news, I have decided that I will elope and get married to the man I love :P!!! :D. Im exited!! not yet ofcourse maybe in 2-3 years, im only 19! He's 18 now, our birthdays are 3 months apart, so for 3 months we are the same age, untill May comes again and then Im a year older lol. I remember a conversation we had a year ago, we were both virgins x_X, and he was like "where is it written that a 17 year old (him) cant f#*k a 18 yr old? (me)" lol. AndI told him, "umm in the law books, I could get aressted for raping you! ROFL :P". But yeah, we are crazy for each other :DD   (remember he's the one with the totally different religion, tee hee). We were talking one day, and to us, it only makes sense to marry the one that we are truly in love with are we right? So it only makes sense. And now adays my parents piss me off sooo bad, and my boyfreind is really well off and rich and stable already, I just want to get away as soon as i can you know?

My dad called me a mf-bI*$h. :( I've never really done anything wrong. Never did drugs, i dont have a baby like most of my freinds do already!!, I've always given up money when they needed it, I cook, I clean, Im polite, always got good grades in school, so wtf????!! I dont know why they treat me like this. My mom is so rascist, it breaks my heart. I have to get away. The day I was on my knee, holding a bottleof pills, writing suicide letters to him (the bf and my little sister), the only thing that kept me sane, was knowing how this would be so unfair for my boyfreind. He's why i didnt do it.  Lol, call me crazy, but I think my idiot parents will forgive me someday. What do you guys think? hmmm.. I love him a lot!

In the mean time I have got to get rich enough, (financailly more stable), thin thin thin, (bf is thin, he's trying to buff up, it's kind a cute lol), and become more independent. I feel they are only my parents in name now. I despise them. grrrrrr....

To love!!!! :DDD <3

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Not Recovery, just trying to figure it out.

Well, the title pretty much says it all. I hadnt posted for awhile becuase I was out of town, in Canada to be specific. A party, drinking, binging,dancing, late nights, passing out etc etc.. (need I say more? lol). But it was super fun and Im not going to dwell on any past failure's from now on, you know.

First of all I just wanna give all you lovely people one big cyber-hug! Your comments really made me smile. So supportive :D. But I kinda wanna explan myself a little....

 Recovery, is what I want eventually, someday. But I dont think I'm actually strong enough for that. I mean I guess by my last post I meant more along the lines of, "I gotta stop binging like a fatass, I'll never be thin". And more like I just gotta stop binging in response to every single f-ing problem life throws at me, you know? Food is not the answer. I wanted to recover from not only b/ping, but this sick addiction to food, i seemed to be developing.

My dream is still to be beautifully thin. Im not gonna give up on that. Ever. I'm just going take it as it comes. Right now I'm keeping it under 1300 calories a day, and lowering that as I lose. I plan on fasting, calorie cycling and so forth in the future.

I hope I make a little more sense now. You know how chaotic, this weight/food obsessed little world can get. I honeslty super-duper admire all of you have made the choice to get out of this world. But, it's just that, I can only relate too much to side of me that still dreams of perfection.

Maybe I'm just too far in. But it's ok, cause it's all I've ever known.

lots of lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee!!!!!! <3

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Broken Girl

I must be broken, there's no other explaination,
send me back to where i came from
i eat everyone's food, then go looking for more
Because i like to feel the pain,
I like the self-harm and torture
I think I deserve it.

Food will no longer be my drug of choice.

I've had enough of this, binging, purging, restrictig. Im done.

I found a great webcite recently, on it, were recoverer's of bulimia. They talked about how they werent always bulimics, they restrcited (were anorexics before), mia took them.

Im going to try something they call structured eating. You eat 3 well balanced meals and 1 or two snacks, and exercise a healthy amount. In other words--I want to (gasp) recover. Today I heard my own brother say, while trying on a three-piece tuxedo that "he'd lose weight", in order to keep fitting into it. After my mom had told him he's going to get larger as he grows. Coming from my brother, this really disturbed me. I want to be a good role model to them. Im older than them. I'm want to have kids someday, I dont want them to go thru anything close to what Im going thru, (im tearing up as i write this :P) My boyfreind looks at me somedays, and doesnt know what to do. He just distances himself, but never forgets to tell me that he loves me. My parents look at me and wonder where their smart, feisty chubby little girl went.

She broke.

I'll do this. Because I dont want to be a broken girl for the rest of my life. The high I used to get from starving myself, seems like it was so long ago. So why am I still grasping at nothing, trying to find it again? I know I might even lose some followers because of this decision of mine. Im not going anti ana or mia either. I'm still that weight/food obsessed chick i always was, but today and from now on, I hope to fix myself.

The sun hasnt even come up, where I live. It usually does by this time of year.

love, raz <3

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Pleasure brings pain...

Ugh, I hate by body's fuking needs...
I was on my period today, and i know I shoudnt use that as an excuse, but because of it I gave in and ate like 500 cals or so over my daily 1,000 limit.
It felt so wrong afterwards, I just wanted to rewind, shit shit shit.

But like they say, no use crying over spilled milk, (whatever)...

Tomarow I promise to myself to "Run/Jog/(only walk if i really need to)" in the morning at 8.00am for two whole hours! then do weights for an hr and a half. = 2 1/2 hours total.
Then have only an egg/brand combo 4 lunch @ 12.00, and oatmeal for dinner@ 7.00, and thats IT!= thats only 395 cals.

Which will leave a crazy low overall net intake, hopefully making up for today...
For everytime i let myself cave in, there has to be consenquences~!

I just regret today, have faith that i'll fix it tomarow, and move on... :P

Thx for your comments uys. They really keepme going. I'll try and catch up on your blogs now..
luv Raz-o- spazzo... ie Raz...

Saturday, June 12, 2010


This is a short post, but i diiiid complete my 3 day fast, (excluding a full sugar coke, i needed for the sugar, cuz i was going to be driving, u know..)

Today is saturday, and i have not binged, lost 5 pounds and i am sooo motivated!!! I love u guyz...I love my life...I am so back...lets get skinnnyyyy!!!! ITs allmost summer aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!


Thursday, June 10, 2010

self fulfilling prophecy

My 3 day fast is going very well. I am taking my vitamins, (thanks for the helpfull reminders guys!).

Anywho, I think I have just realized something very profound about my self. Its that whole thing having to do with the idea of the self fulfilling prophecy. All this time, in my journey twords "skinny-ness", i've noticed that there's always been a voice in the back of my head that always manged to foil my plans. Like my recent episodes of binging for example. If I think to myself, "Well you might as well eat everything, your never going to be good enough anyway", then that's exactly whats going to happen!

If I say to myself instead: "that as long I restrict and exercise to the best of my ability, everything's going to be okay"-then mabe, just maybe, it might happen as well? hmmm...It makes sense to me..:P Or maybe im talking wubbish cuz this fast is getting to me? lol..

anywhoo, you all have nice lovely days! <3

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Ooooh! Bring it!!

A what better way to renew my promise's to myself than with a 3 day, zero calorie fast???  :). Anything I think should be allowed as long as its zero cal...

It was Kelly's idea.:) We've both been "food whores" as of late...

Im actually exited, think of all the wieght we'll lose! I am so not gona give up, no matter what happens. (A little weary of might become a gigantic binge aftter the fast, but i'll worry about that on saturday, when i get to eat again).

So that's all of wednesday, thursday and friday. No food.


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A fish without water

A fish without water wasi felt like with out this blog. I fucking suck...(Excuse my lannguage please, ut i speak the truth). I here's what happened between my birthday on the 16th of may, and today june 8th....

1.)Cuzns came over and my mom had made a ton of delicouse food, it ws also my birthday, and what does an "ex"-bulimic do, when she's in a heightened state of anxiety, and there's a bunch of food around? Why ofcource she binges her ass off. Ok, thats not even the worst part..

2.) After the b-day i told my parents that i had quit my job at the hotel. (I did, it was much too stressfull)..but soon a got a new jo afterwards (ike 6 days later). So it was all good right? I had a job again, I was restricting again, what could possibly go wrong right? wrong...

3.) Because you see, the new job that I had gotten was all night shifts..(8pm untill 4.30 at night!!!) I am not a nighttime person, I am a morning person!!! I worked there for only a week, untill i coudnt take it anymore. I mean I probably could take it, butthey wanted me to work for 7 days straight, and by this point I just had ad enough. I had my worst ever mental breakdown.

4.) In that breakdown I slammed cabinets and my closet door, and refused to come out of it. I couldnt stop crying for like 4 hrs. I told my self that I was weak, and just didnt deserve to live. My parents are still dissapointed in me. I think I had good reason's to quit both jobs, i wasnt happy in either so what? It's not the end of the world right?

And just, that's what i've kept bottled up inside me this whole time i wasnt blogging. But i ralize now that this is MY blog, and I can write whateve I freagin want..and I just had to get this shit off my chest!! I wanted to end it all the day of my breakdown..:( I had vodka and pills ready to go, but i coludnt do it, i just took the bottle in my hands and kept falling to the floor). I wont ever kill myself, but I've been doing something allmost as bad, in my mind. I've been binging for like a whole week and a day. My stomch's so huge now, and I havent been purging as much, just trying t fast long enough beforei binged again. Pathetic. So pathetic I am.

I came here on this blog, well because, I need to remember again. What it means to be truly happy. How happy I was whn I was losing weight and making money and loving people. I need to find a reason again, I lost control. I've gained so much. And what scares the most is that i didnt even care while binging that I was going to gai wieght.

Im scared now, you guys. I was never the strong older sister, frst child, calm friend, lovely girlfreind. Im just so scared--that I'll stop caring and end up a failure.

Im scared. Im not going to eat for the rest if the day, (I already had a breakfast binge). I am going to exercise. Drink loads of water. Not let my parents words get to me. And accept that i've gained and from now untill june 18th (the day of the reunion), im just going to eat less than 1,000 cals and exercise. (Which might seem like a lot, but trust me, even eating like a normal person at this point, seems so beyond me).

This terrified girl will now leave you lovelys with a quote that i made up...

"broken dreams and a broken heart. And no one to help me pick up the pieces? Learn to walk alone is what I must do…"-raz

but im not alone, i have you guys. and that make me slightly less afraid <3

Thursday, June 3, 2010


Im saying sorry to myself

for the last time.

And im giving up this blog

untill i find my bones again.

Dont worry , it will not be long,

untill i come back, stronger.

No more broken promises

Stay strong everyone, I will still be reading/commenting,, though.. : /