Saturday, December 26, 2009

Fast went well

I wanted to fast for longer, but I can only ever do it for one day, (so far). And I started my period the same day, so I didnt think it would be a good idea?

I am feeling either very weak or tired. All the caffiene I had from yesturday, (diet coke and coffee to surpress my appetite), is making me seriously crash. I hate how my parents are commenting on my eating habits. But at this point it just go's in one ear and out the other. Some of the exuces/reasons they try to give me to eat more and become a fattass again, (and my responses to them):

1.) Your still growing, your body needs the nutrients, (bs im already 18, how much more am I grow?).
2.) Your never going to get any skinnier than that because of your bone structure, ( Just watch me ;)
3.) Your hair is thinning, you cant lift that, your eyes look sunken, blah blah, (Not even enough, mother and father,not even enough yet...)

But despite all that they say, I dont lsten because you know what? I think they are secretly happy that I do this. Because nowadays whenever I had relatives over, or I go anywhere with the family, they dont seem ashamed to put me forword and say "this is our daugher, isnt she beautifull?"

I am sacrificing something good, for something better.

And we will Rock On ;)... peace out

Friday, December 25, 2009


Binged on christmas cakes yesturday. But guess what? I didnt purge. I dont ever want to purge again. So I had a food belly all night. IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE!!! (is my excuse). I felt a certain defiance towords mia last night. I dont want to turn to her ever again. I will be responsible for when I loose control. I am willing to gain one or two pounds in a week, if that will ultimatly lead to skinny-ness long term, you know what I mean?

And so today I'm doing a fast with lots of exercise! Yay for post christmas eve dinner empty-ness!

Making myself keep the food in, really made me realize how gross it feels inside. :P Blech...
Thanks for commenting you guys! They really do give me hope (shady rae ;)..
Stay Strong xxoo

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I feel the control coming back. I WILL NOT resort to mia.

Feeling nice and empty right now, (thanks laxies, i dont use them often, only when I'm feeling icky, if you know what I mean)... And waiting for my gorgeouse boo.

He's so perfect and skinny I dont deserve him. GAh...

I dont know how much I wiegh. Im scared to find out. I lost control a few days back, because I thought I woudnt even be awake to see the next day, but I guess I was wrong, I did awake, and I'm trying again.

My body seems to be stuck at, 138-140. Well guess what?! Thats Just NOT GOOD enough for MOI!!! Bwah hahahahahahahahhahahahahah!

ahem ahem***

Thanks for the comments everyone! They really are not only encouraging, but also make me think. Think for example, how cool it is that how some of you also used to beleive you couldnt get to any lower weights, but you did. How just trying, will in someway inevitably lead us to be the skinny gorgeouse lady's we all know we are inside... ;)

I hope everyone's holidays are going well. (And by that I mean you are avoiding food like some high paid supemodel or

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Fatty Mc Fat Face

Thats it. I no longer have any say. Im all yours Ana. **sigh**

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Not giving up...

Past few days have been spent in a rush of mood swings, binging, purging, fasting, hating my self everything that comes along with having an e.d... FUCK ME.

My wieght has gone up. 140.2 as of this morning. I hate my self. Mia, I thot I told you to go away. 

And so, today I am going to try again. To gain some control. Find it. It's there somewhere.

Im just so sad. Hopeless. I love you all. You dont even know me, but you all are so supportive. There's no hope. I find myself just breathing. I guess the reason I've been sabotoging myself lately, is so that I could feel something. Anything. Even if it meant guilt. I wanted to numb myself.

I wont give up, I will keep trying. Hope is slipping though. I am grasping, fighting for the control.

Stay Strong, (i will try to as well)...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Fasting untill further Notice

Fast starts now. Ends, when you feel like yourself again. Empty, pure, back down on the scale, and light headed.

Untill then, nothing but black coffee, tea, water and gum.

1.00 pm tuesday, untill?_________

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Well I have a blog, so I should post.. here it go's

I feel more disgusted, fat, and more of failure now, (at 136-sh pounds), than I did when I was 10 pounds heavier. When I was binging-purging a few days before, I was asking myself at the time, why I was undoing all my hard work, and letting it all go to waste. My excuse: Im depressed. I thought; "to hell with it, it's not like Im a model or actress or someone who has to be perfect all the time. To hell with it, it's not like anyone cares or gives a damn.."

But I've discovered since then, that that isnt true. Someone does care. Some people do care. The people reading this blog care. I dont know who they are, but I can relate to them, and know that I am not alone. I could take the easy way out, become fat, and stop caring about what I look like. I might as well just die, because then I'd have become even more deppressed.

No. No, I've found that I have to live. For something. I cant tell you what it is yet. But I just know that I have to keep going. And better to live Pro-ana and striving for perfection, than as a sad i right?...

P.S: Have a new e-mail, just for this blog:, would love to hear from you, add me?

Make your dreams come true

Friday, December 11, 2009


My weight has been see -sawing all week. Going from 136.2, (yaay!), to 138.4 today, (boooooo!).

I will not become discouraged though! Yesturday, I did the longest and most calorie burning work out. I had blisters on my feet afterward. So basically I've been stuck on a plataue this whole week, and I feel like killing someone right now...grrrr..

Okay, ill post again, when something decides to go my way...

Peace out, Stay Strong!

Monday, December 7, 2009

You guys are always right!

I was just retaining that h2o, because of mrs.monthly. That's good, because I was going to smash that scale if the numbers kept going up. Today I am .2 pounds away from 135! :D Then 10 more pounds untill my first goal wieght of 125, (at which weight I will officially be skinnier than my thin little sister, because I'm taller than he, BWAHAahhahaha!, nothing against her at all, but,you know how it is...) And then lower, then lower than...? maintain it, I guess :)

I was always the "fat one". Always. Now, when I saunter past my short and squat mother, I have a tremendouse feeling of satisfaction. And I think to my self: maybe, someday, in the not so distant future, I may even someday be *gasp*, beautifull?

Went to the store, and it was also kind of annoying how, I had to keep pullingmy pants up. But then I reminded my self that this is a good thing, and that if i do get too thin, I could just borrow my little sis's clothes..Bwahahahaha, (sorry I'll

Well this was a really loopy post. See ya later. Remember: There's no such thing as being too thin ;)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Hmmm, just a little update

Is it possible to to gain maybe like a pound/ pound and a half from eating too much fiber all of a sudden? Cause, I think thats what's happend to me, and I really dont know what to do.I've been restricting really well too. Planning on just waiting it out for now, and I am like CRAVING exercise. Second the rents leave, I'm heading out to the gym.

P.S: Thanks for listening to my rantings on my last post. I am feeling much more positive right now. And no amount of food sitting around in me and trying to throw me off is going to stop me from becoming thin, perfect.
It's going to happen. I promise you all!

Stay Strong everyone! We will get there(!)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

She got so good at pretending, she almost fooled herself...

Hey, guys! I'm back, and the scale reads 136.0... =) Still loosing this means. It's so weird how just the day before I was wondering if I would be able to get down to 135 before saturday, (because according to Losertown, a webcite I came across that I will post a link a to, I should be that much by saturday).

In other news, went to a job interview, and I had to pick 2 cards that had questions on them and answer them, in front of not only my interviewees, but also about 8 strangers. The first question went fine. But while answering the second one, I dont know what happened to me. I seriously dont. I completelyze froze on the spot, and even considered throwing the damn card on the employers table and running from the room. Intstead, I think I just rambled through it and mumbled: "uuummm yeah, that's it..." Stage fright? maybe. Nervouse breakdown? possibly. But looking back, I think it happened more because subconcously, (sorry cant, I've already given up. I had already admitted defeat.

And so, woke up crying at 4 am. Just woke up, and listened to mom going on about how my luck is just horrible these days, i dont pray enough, and bragging to my dad about how good HER JOB is. Its not even about my employment problems, just the general mediocrity of my life.

The general shittyness, the pain, the humiliation, the always dealing and helping other people out, while never having had anyone who understands me. Even my own boyfreind, who i love more than my life, doesnt like emotional displays of affection from me, and so I try not to around him. I'm the one who lifted him off the ground, when he was down. I'm the one that had to listen to his crying over the phone and stop him from doing anything that he would have later regretted.

He has me, but I never had anyone, self-less too the point of stupidity and depression. I'm sick of putting on the front that I'm as strong as you think I am. Parents bought it, they had high hopes for me. Siblings bought it, they looked up to me. Putting others before me, and now I've got no where to go, I have no identity. All I have is this, my disorder....

Sorry for rambling so much, I just had to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading, if your not already half-way asleep yet... >.<

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!!!!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Not count calories? R u f-ing kidding me???

I tried to not count calories and just starve on like that, for one whole day. I couldnt even do it. I remember putting away the journal I write my intake in. And then taking it out again after breakfast. I HAVE to know. I have to have control. I cant be normal. I just cant...(!) The numbers have me in their grip.

Fight the FAT>>>!!!!!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

136.8 + a little TMI...

I lost another pound! Im happy, but at the same scared that this momentum I have going is not going to last. Because I saw this number after I PINGED the night before. The pinge made my stomach all crampy, and I swear I took the biggest shit of my life, (sorry if this is t.m.i!!). I felt like I was dying!!! Punishment I'm guessing it was sort of like. In the morning I woke up and wieghed my self, and the scale said: 137.4, but then I had to go again!!! Jeez..

Weighed yet again, and the numbers 136.8 showed up. Got off. And stepped on again: 136.8. Hmmm... Now, Im not complaining if my occasional pinges can sometimes lead to lower numbers, but I almost felt as though the scale's lying to me. I hope not.

Thanksgiving was okay, nobody forced me to eat, because I told them I had a tummy ache, (I didnt even have to lie, because it was true). Good timing stomach, if I dont say so myself..:)  Happy Thanksgiving people's!!!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Survey thingy..

Size: anywhere from a 4 to a 9. (US)

Age: 18
Highest Weight: 187lb
Lowest Weight: 131lbs
Goal Weight: as close to 100 as possible…

Favorite Diet Food?
Black Coffee and Oatmeal…

Favorite Binge Food?
Chocolate,, (I love/hate it sooo bad!!)

Favorite Exercise?
Running & Dancing (horribly, but who cares..=D)..

Love model thinspo. When I was at my thinnest, people used to say I looked one. I need that back…

What Makes You Slip Up?
Stress and Boredom..

What Makes You Strong?
My boo, and looking noticing more and more lovely bones..

When Did It Start?
After my first job. Begging of 12th grade.. Age 17- today.

Does Anyone Know?

Do You Want Help?
Help? From what? Perfection? No thank you… : /

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
Usually its 500 give or take a few…

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
Huge stomach, huge ass, jiggly thighs, bad skin. Failure.

Are You In A Relationship?

Is It For Attention?
No, actually the complete opposite. I want to fade into nothingness… And plus I think you get more attention when your fat, because nothing looks good on you anyway, and people judge you , etc , etc..

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
Neither (???)

Are You Depressed?
I've never been diagnosed so technically, no.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?

Ever Been To A Psychologist?

Are You On Any Medication?

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[x] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me

[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[x, but only mia.] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear

[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills-(never tried em yet, suggestions for some good one's would be appreciated :)
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[ ] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[] feeling this way
[ ] fat people

[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs

Saturday, November 21, 2009


Ha! I was about to type my weight for the day 173 instead of 137,,teeheehee, no ways man, I am so not going back there again.

So yesturday, there was cheese cake. White, crumbly, soft **fattening*** cheesecake. Yes. I ate it. Yes, I purged untill my eyeballs felt like they were going pop out. No, I did not enjoy it at all. (But proud of myself that i was able to get it up at all). While I was eating it, I felt so scared, it's hard to explain. Heart thumping, arguments raging in my head, I almost thought I was going crazy. Ana's voice always seems loudest when you're screwing up, why is that?

Anyblue... Im losing weight, Im over my plataue, and I didnt gain anything from that cheesecake pinge, so all is well. Im a good lyer, I learned just yesturday.
My mother asks: "did you have your dinner"?
Me: "uhhh, yeeeeaahhh"
Mom:" It was delicouse wasnt it, i put blah blah blah in it and so much effort, blah blah blah.."
Me: "Yep!, I especally loved the ______" (What ever it was she
I should be an actor :)

Im going to try and not weigh myself so much, so that I can be pleasantly surprised by lower and lower numbers. And plus, I hate undressing to wiegh myself, in this cold, rainy and depressing city. I think I read somewhere that Seattle is one of the most depressing city's on earth. Hmmm, Im not surprised...

Not much else to say, I hope you are all doing well, whether you are ana, mia, ednos, or blessidly  normal...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooooooooo "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"-Kate Moss

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


See that number up there? That's how much I weigh now!!! Yay!! During my evil bulimia spell last year, when I kept gaining and gaining, I never thought I would be able to see the 130's again! And now, 125 (my first goal weight), is only 12 pounds away! I will do this! I have too! Its a challenge to my self, to prove to myself, of how strong I can really be.

I am 137.8, and on my period. wow... When I read some other blogs, i am amazed at how thin some of you really are. I'm not gonna lie, I look up to you girls. You guys helped me to stop the binge-purge cycle, (eviiiiiiiil).

So, I think its time I actually disclosed my hieght. I am the average 137.8 pounds and 5ft 4 inch. **gasp**, thats not nearly skinny enough, and I realize this. My b.m.i is 23.5. Yap, thats me, hate me or love me. Either way, this is only the begining I assure you, of the transformation of fat, boring me, into the sex bomb she really is. I also feel thats its a good thing that I am starting to feel fatter, the more wieght I lose. It's a good thing.

Also boyfreind took off his shirt. ;( , damn him, he is so thin. He said I look good too, but I dont see it. Oh, and he said he meant to say that he weighs 141 pounds. So what? He's taller than me, and looks like a string bean. When we go out, we look like beauty and the beast, and no I am not the beauty. hehe. Am I weird for thinking like this, but I kind of want to break up with him for awhile, untill I find a job, and actually reach 125, so that I feel more comfortable with him and myself? Am I a weirdo or what? I just think that he deserves better... How can I love someone, when I cant even love myself...?

Stay Strong everyone, love you guys!!!! xxxooo

Friday, November 13, 2009

when all else is falling apart...

We all know that our disordered ways are based on our needs for complete and utter CONTROL. This could not be more true for me... It doesnt feel as if anyone, (ecxept you guys, ur awesome like that), really cares about me. It feels like I am a puppet, and the strings are no longer in my hands. This control i have over my food, is my own. My own little string...

Ahhhhhhh...I hope it will never snap, but get only stronger.. no matter what anyone does to break it as well.
Does that make sense? Anyway, it did in my head..

So anywhoo, past few days have been really good, calorie-wise, all under 600-700 cal days, plus just enough exercise, not overoad mode, which tends to make me want to eat more.

I caught a glimpse of myself in a stores video security camera t.v thingy.... My face didnt look too bad, but then i backed up a few steps, and noticed how big i looked in my layered winter clothing, and stupid black jeans, that arent really jeans, but stretchy shit, because im such a fatass...

B.M.I-wise im normal. I am average. But as we all know, this disease is often called the "perfectionists disease". And no, thank you average or normal is not good enough for me... I will not stop, untill I see perfection... Thank you for all who commented, and helped me to realize this...

Hope you are all doing well, Stay Strong xxoo!

Skinnier than you...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Look how far, look far she still has to go...

So, like a lot of post's that I've read of late, I too have not been doing so hot. (If you are, well__ =D). I dont know why I'm so down. Granted, I did pinge, twice. And now im super bloated, the scale says i've gained 2 pounds, and that is 2 pounds too many!!!!
Hope: that its just food weight, and it'll help the 'plataue'.

It's all too easy. It's all too easy to give in. But now, its been a day or two and i am doing better. Im hoping i dont make the same mistakes i did last time, when i had finally gotten down to 131. Meaning, that there will no longer be the words *binging or *purging in my dictionary. I will force my self to NOT purge, even after a binge, so that I can push my self even harder to do better the next day. That is what tomarow is for, right?

And im going to go easy on the exersice. I read that weight-loss is 80% diet, and only 20% exercise!!! Because i think all of that exercising led to me getting super hungry, hence the 2 pinges...

Please call me all of the bad words you can think of,, i truly deserve it, i've been so out-of-wackh lately... I really wouldnt mind,,=D

Hope you all r doing 100x better than me...
"Fight the food!"

Saturday, November 7, 2009

They know how hard you try...

"Not doctors nor your mom and dad but, me and Mia, Ann and Ana, know how hard you try, I can see it in your eyes, see it in your spine..." (Me and Mia by : TedLeo/The Pharmacists)

This song is amazing, I love it. The lyrics, I wish I could post them all up, but Im too lazy too. Thanks again to Nervosa and her blog for the music. If there's one thing that can really get to me, it's msusic, so yeah, i dont really know where I'm going with this, lol.

Yah, so today, I totally lost control. F-in *pinged*, (word i came across in forbiden fruits blog, i think its geniouse). I did it last saturday, and this saturday. Wtf, im noticing a pattern, and i need to break it. I also think its my moms fault. When she's home, she's just always bugging me about what I ate, and asking me to help her in the kitchen, when all I really feel like doing is running. But then there she is again, telling me to stop, because Im bothering our rentor, (a snobby old hag), who lives in our basement. )The treadmill is kind of noisy...)

It's a hell hole, and Im trying trying my best. You guys are all so wonderfull for your words. Rain, you just totally cracked me up, I will do that, (invest in a good concealer). Tryed on the jeans again after the purge, surprised to find, my stomach didnt feel like a pregnant womans like it used to do after a pinge. And the scale is on my side for now, but we shall see if any damage was done tomarow morning.

That is also when I will post my weigh-in wieght,(reminder for those of you are participating in the challenge...)
Peace out...xxoo

Friday, November 6, 2009

Ofcourse she's okay...

So yesturday, I got passport picture taken. Sister say's "Jeez, you should really eat more, look at how sunken in your eyes are." Sunken in eyes? That's not attractive. Whatever, Im starting to care less and less about others think. Care less about finding a job. It's so hard, for a high school graduate. Especially for one that honestly doe'snt care for her own health. How in the world is she supposed to smile at customers and pretend as if everythings okay???

Ofcourse, I went to some interviews, but no dice. Pretending on I go...

I love how my body wants nourishment, but my will powers not allowing it. Lovely feeling. I'm imagining lower and lower numbers on the scale. Also I find myself throwing on any type of clothes, and not worrying if it looks good or not. Needing my little sisters belt to keep my fat girl jeans up.

I'm not giving this feeling up for anything, .... Rock On, Skinnies!!!

P.S, thanx for all ur lovely comments... =)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I dream of Bagels

Hey, again. Wow, I got a lot of comments on how cool my sis is, she is, and yeah, it has a lot to do with just sheilding her away from the big bad world of body issues.

So the weirdest thing happened last night. I woke up in the middle of the night, maybe 3.30 am, morning, watever, and i had woken up because of my stomach. Like jeez, it was grumbling so bad, I coudnt even sleep. But then I felt my hipbones. And my boyfreind came to mind as well. And then, well, what can I say? The thought of him completely drove away my hunger pains, and I thought of him instead... :),,,

Oh, yeah and I had awoken from a dream in which I had eaten a whole bagel. (!),, hehehe, I am so wierd...

hope you guys are doing well, stay strong!!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Happy November! =)

So, last few days have been really good, but I'm still stuggling with the dinner time munchies. It's allmost as if my body know's that this is the last time it will get food for the day, and it try's to shove as much as it can down my throat. CONTROL. Control is the goal.

Also I've decided to only wiegh myself on Saturday's. That's when the weight loss competition wiegh in is as well. I am the kinf of girl who normally weigh's herself obsessivly every morning, and sometimes at nights. So lets see how this go's. Everyone will know my wieght, when I finally get to know it as well.

I find that when Im doing well, (restricting and exercising), I dont have much to say on this blog... hmmm. So if I dont post, you should take that as a good sign..hehehe.

Bought 2-3 pairs of new jeans. They fit buuuut, just being able to button and zip is just not good enogh for me, you know? I will only feel comfortable when they sag, ever so slightly, (and clothes can shrink in the wash! eeps!)...

I hate how Im so small on top, and huge on bottom. Everything I eat, go's to my thighs.. *sigh*, even the last time I was 131, the hips and thighs are always the last to go..! I hate it!!!

I want to evetually wiegh less than my little sister, and be able to wear her jeans. That would mean, I actually have accomplished something on this quest of thinness. My sister, I really love her. Through all my fad diets, bulimia, and now barely eating and exercising like a maniac, she has never called me fat. She has never said: those jeans make your butt look big.

She is smaller, and prettier than me, but never once has she ever made fun of me, or any fat person. I'm going to try and take a leaf out of her book, and try to be the same way. I also have to keep my ways secret, because the last thing I want, is for my sister to end up like me: A weight-obsessed maniac, who's worth rely's on the numbers on the scale, (not really, but you know how important it is to us)...

So yeah, I hope you are all doing well, I love reading your blogs more than I like posting, lol...
Stay Strong everyone, the finish line is not far... (!)

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween Everybody!!!

I didnt post for a while, because I've just been really exhausted thanks to my new freind Mr.Treadmill. So far it's been about 3 days since I got it, and the thing is just so addictive. Im going to try and give myself a break, but I love the sweat, the feeling of absolute exhaustion that I get afterwards. And it's so reasurring that it burns the calories right up,  of which would otherwise be keeping me up all night. I love the PAIN!!! =)

My legs are changing in shape. I havent seen the 140's since I started exercising, and I intend to keep up this cycle of goodness. I couldnt have done it without you guys though. =)

Yah, so about Halloween, odly I dont feel any interest or temptation for candy. In my head, it's like why in the world would I let all my hard work go to waste, for some stupid candy? No Siree Bob, not happening.

It's so strange, this same time last year, I was a full on bulimic. And I was spiralling down hard. This time around, I'm doing it for Ana, and I feel so good! Ahhh, 125 is not far now, it seems so close. And plus, this time I have you guys, and this blog.

Much love always, xxoo...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Yay! A new Treadmill for the Fatty.

Yesturday after a horrific binge, I was pleased to find that my parents bought a new treadmill. I swear it's a sign. I was thinking omg, how the hell am i going to live with myself after this stupid binge, but then i assembled the new treadmill and off i went.
OMG. The people in the gyms and on t.v make it look so easy. It freakin hurt! I am really out of shape!

So, yeah I guess it just takes some mistakes (binges), and a treadmill in the living room, to get me off my fat ass. Lovely. 

Stay Strong!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Is this what you call progress?

Since I've started this blog I've gone from a wieght of about 147 to 138, (what i am now). That's a loss of about 9 pounds. I've gone from crazy out-of-control bulimic, to a restricting Anamia. It's happening, it's happening slowly but it's happening. Urrrggh. I dont really know what the point of this post is. I think I may be pms-ing.

My life sucks. I cant find a job. My parents make too much money and so we cant turn to the government to help fund my education. My parents dont even care about furthering my education. I have no one. I'll have to be all no my own out in the real world. Everyone say's they care. But they dont really. They have problems of their own.

Withering away. In my own sadness. Being empty, getting smaller, atleast looking better and prettier everyday is something. Takes away the sadness. If only for a little while...

P.S= I am joining Strawberry Shortcakes weight-loss competition which starts this halloween. Join...? :)
The Linky Dink =

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I cant beleive I didnt give in

Ahaahahaha, in your stupid face 139, I was 138 after my fast. Everything went great. I was out most of the day,doing errands and laundry, cam back showered, didnt even have time to dwell on food. It's around 6pm that I felt a little weak, but I didnt give up. Thanks everyone for all you great comments..

Haha Im getting so exited over a one day fast. Oh well, small steps- I loved it, and I'll definatly try to do it more often and for longer periods.

Well not much else to report. Im gonna catch up on all your lovely blogs now...


Saturday, October 24, 2009

Saturday Fast

I freaking messed up again last night.
The only way to try and fix it in my head is to fast. And thats what I am going to do. Only water and calorie-less drinks for me today.... i binged on rice. Rice is hard to make come up again. I tried my best. The rest I am going to Fast off today. Thats the plan. I need this. I absolutly hated the feeling of food in my stomach. The way it made me bloat, and gassy, urrrggghh. Fuck food today. I am so not eating. Shud have never trusted mia. Ana's girl completely... She doesnt let me down.

I just have to do this Fast. Easy.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Inspiration for a better tommarow...

So I purged last night for the first time in about a month. I know Im not cured in any way, last nights incident proves this. I just try my hardest to do it as less as possible.
 WHAT COMES OVER US????????????????????????????
Like seriously. I had planned everything out. I even read rains and felicity's awesome helpfull comments.. It was all planned out and ready to be executed. But it didnt happen. Something snapped and I was swept backwards into my cravings.

Conflicting thoughts going thru my head:
"If you stop now, there might not be that much damage!",
"Keep going, your body is craving these things, you can purge it out later.." 
"Eat you fatso, then dont purge, that will teach you"
"If only you werent so obsessed about all of this, you would'nt be in this mess"
--"But then maybe I wouldnt be as skinny as I am now..."

All of these thoughts. Probably more and all the mean while, I am trying to shut them up with food.
And so I did. It hurt. I always eat some spicy stuff, (I never learn, lol). People started knocking on the bathroom door at one point. I didnt care, this was more important...

It happens. Life happens. Its nice to get it out on this blog. To reflect.
Thank goodness, I didnt gain (yet). And even if I did, it's OKAY. I have enough strength I think to dust myself off, and try again. Only 14 pounds are standing in the way... :) Just a bump in the road. One day-one slip up...

I had a dream that someone was telling me they think I 'm getting fatter. That is inspiration enough for me to do better... :)

Stay Strong = stay sexy.. ;)
xxoo, Razzzzz....

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

It's there, i could binge...

I have a problem. (Big surprise, huh?). Anywhoo, the problem is that for most of the day, (firt half of th day or so), go's really well for me. But then at the end of the day, lets call it my dinner, or the last time I'm suppoesed to eat for the day, I get monstorouse cravings!!!!! Like even right now, as I'm typing. I want it. I want it. I'm trying to type. Shut up voice of stupid fat girl!!!!!

Wow. I sound kinda crazy... Lol...

Anywhoo I think Im going to try and listen to some of of my thinspo music and hope that helps...

Oh and thanks for all your advice on everything, in my last post... You guys rock! :)
think 125, think 125.... 

Monday, October 19, 2009

Ow, Ow, Ow

So lately I've been feeling soooo tired. I have the will power to not eat, but I also am having to push myself to get up in the morning on an empty stomach. Push myself to to pretend like I have energy. I think maybe I shoudnt exercise? Because that's what I did, and now you can find me walking around all tired like and stumbly.

I know It may sound weird but its like: I know I can not eat, but now Im worried about how Im going to be able to work like this, when (if) I get the job, that I have an interview for on thursday, (wish me luck!), like will they take one look at me and say, "nope, this girl does not look like she would be up for physical needs of this job"? Hmmm...

I want to be thin, "waif -like". But I also need to be strong for a job that might be physically demanding, is what Im trying to say. Any advice guys?

I really cant beleive I can not remember the last time I purged! After reaching the 130's this week, Im positive I am not going back there again. It just doesnt work. (I still do it tho if I eat too much, I just dont BINGE and purge. You know, if I accidently eat more than Im comfortable with , then I do it. The thought of binging scares me. I want to stay in control.

On another possitive note, I heard my mother complaing last night about her wieght, and how her co-workers noticed she gained over her vacation. That's what she gets for all the taunts and teasing I used to endure when I was younger.. HAHAHA. But anyway, I do find myself becoming more respectfull of our 'fat/overweight' freinds. It easier said than done to be thin. The world has to run with all types of body shapes and sizes. I really am cool with that, even though I myself am so insecure. That's just me then. Messed up in the head and terrified of calories and jeans that might not fit...

I just dont want to go back there again. I just want 125 or below.

Peace, Love, Ana, muah! I love you guys! I really do, and sorry if I suck at this commenting thing..., I really do appericate your inputs =) (!) xxoo

Saturday, October 17, 2009

In a funk

Im in a really wierd state of mind today, and I've noticed Ive been like this for a few days now. Like there's yummy, deliociuse food everywhere. And I woudnt say I've been binging my heart out, but I am guilty of not counting my calories and "taking a little bit of this, and a little bit of that"... urgh. So I've decided or the rest of the day I will consume nothing but water.

Parents, Family, Holidays, EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! wants to make me fat. I'm not gonna let this happen.. No way. No how.

I will fight this addiction that is food.

Fight. Stay Strong everyone... muah! ;)

Friday, October 16, 2009

Hehehehehe,,, 139!!!!

YES!!! Im finally in the 130's! oop oop! (Dont get too exited though, still got a loooong ways to go!.

Yah,so on the first day that I made my declaration of no posty posty untill im at 139, I had the headache to end all headaches. And I told my mom while I was driving, and she told me it was because I dont eat anything. Fuck You. I just really dislike my mom. But it waaas kind of wierd : I had a headache, i was starving and it felt like someone was trying to pull my eyeballs back into my sockets. Scary, while driving my eyes even wanted to shut soo bad. Urghh. This not eating thing is not that bad. Im doing fine, but its that same cliche line I guess that I have to remember : Stay Strong...

And yesturday while I was starving my fat ass, I realised how under-rated this feeling of omplete emptyness is. It's amazing!!! And after looking at some thinspo and reading your blogs I made up this little poem. I am a (very)  amatuer poet, hehe so sorry if it's cheezy beyond your limits. Here it go's: (by the way, I wrote all this just as I went along)...

I've said I've wanted to die,
So many times before
Then why am I still here?

I've tried and tried to cry
but the tears dont seem to want to come anymore.

Let's not eat today
and worry about, fat calories and carbs.
But lets get lost in each other,
the night, the muzic and hearts.

Hearts that seem to beat a little too fast
in tune to the music
Is it dehydration? Or the fact that theres nothing inside?
Is it love thats pounding in my head? Or music?
Cant seem to tell anymore.

Silence please.
I wish only for silence.
So that maybe you will hear the raindrops falling in the sky.

Slience please.
I wish to hear Ana tonight.
To love her and her only.
Somehow I know that if I love her
she wont ever let me down.

I've heard enough, seen enough, know enough allready.
That the world cannot be trusted.
Innocent you think I am.
You were right.
Too innocent I still am.

People ask: why do you want to die?
I as in return: what is there to live for?

Too many thoughts, suspicions and fakeness.
Everywhere you turn.

Let me walk forever now
untill I cant walk anymore
untill I can find, some kind of truth.

lets fall forever now, into the arms of Ana.
let me drown.
Let there be silence.

Holiday foods are bieng made in the kitchen right now. Crap.

C U soon lovelies!!! =)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

MF PLATAUE (or however it is u spell it!)

Im not going to come back here untill Im 139!!!!

I just cant take it anymore!

C, U SOON,, my lovelies!!!! =)

P.S= Will still comment on you guys tho!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Feeling so cold.

I binged yesturday. I hope it didnt do too much damage.

And then this morning after a cup of strong, black, no sugar no milk coffee, i felt so sick and full that I didnt even a laxative. Fuck, I was in so much pain. Yesturday's binge=today's pain.

It's just so much easier not to eat.

So now, I'm like empty again. That was fast. It was like even my stomach knew, the food wasnt supposed to be there, so it just got rid of it. Amazing. I learned my lesson... Now Im sitting here empty.

The rain is pounding outside my window. It is a very grey and cold morning. Both outside and inside myself.(does that make sense?), shivering now...

 Good Day to you all...

Sunday, October 11, 2009

140's--Go AWAY!!!!!!!

Hello everyone, I have nothing in particular to say, so if you dont mind I am going to RAMBLE,, big time.

So, as the tittle suggests the 140's love me and dont want to let go of me with out a fight. I dont remember it bieng this hard last time.!!! Anywhoo, today i waz 140.2. Soooo close! Today I was also this close to purging. What helped me stopped were 2 things:

1.) I read somewhere that the occasional binge is better than purging wieght-loss wise, and
2.) It's ok if I go 100-200 over my daily limit, I didnt even used to count calories the last time I lost weight,, so I must have been doing something right back then??!!! (just dont make it a habit!!!)

Umm yeah, thats what happened today. It's just so nice to get it all out here. =)
And on the plus I havent gained a pound. Im in control. Just slow where the numbers are concerned.

Ooooh, I love reading everyones blogs, but I have dsl internet (it's so slow), and so now Im gonna try and catch up on you all. . .

Peace, Love, Ana.....

Friday, October 9, 2009


Hey everyone. I just havent been posting as much because I feel like such a failure lately, wieght-loss wise. Right now I am hungry, cranky and all I really want to do is take something that will make me leave reality for awhile. If only to kill some time. I've got no job, parents wont pay for college, and all I've got is me and this disorder. Me and AnaMia. We all come into this world alone, and we are all gonna leave it alone as well. Its so wierd this state of  mind in. I want to lose it. I want to lose myself to this disorder. You guys, stay strong. Atleast stronger than me.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


Hey everyone! Didnt post --waz super buzy, job hunting and all. And dealing with the stupid cravings of our best freind,, Mrs. Monthly. I just get super lazy and tired becuase of her. Hmmm, how lovely wouldnt it be if I just stopped getting her. Who cares what it would do to my fertility? Like they say, to me being thin is waaay more important to me than bieng healthy.

Im still stuck at 140, Im losing at a snails pace, but atleast I'm losing, and not gaining. You guys this is kind of weird, but Im like starting to hear something in my head. Like you know, that little voice inside your head that tells you to "put that _______ (insert name of whatever food) down, you fat ass", or the one that say's, "why are sitting down? why dont you burn some calories or something, you shameless gorger??!!"

Im starting to hear it louder and louder each and every day. And I love it.

I was watching an episode of the Tyra Banks show, and there was an episode on our societies ridicule of fat people, and why we do it. I happened to say out loud, "Yup, I don't care either if your fat or skinny, it should'nt matter".. . (worlds biggest hypocrite that I am). And my sister said, "Yes you do,,, you weigh your self everyday", and my brother chimed in , "Yah and you seem to eat less and less everyday". My little brother noticed. He's in the 8th grade. Why does he even care? My parents are noticing too... Hmm Im gonna have to start wearing clothe that make me look fatter I guess, lol. Its the good ol' collar bones again. They always give me away...

Ho hum pigs bum...

Luv U guyzzz... Stay Strong...  

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Uh-oh, im out of coffee! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Sorry for sounding so apologetic in my last post. It wasn't meant for anybody but myself... Yah so today I had more than 700 but less than 1,000 cals... hmmm. I think its ok, it's nothing compared to the super-low numbers I see in this blogging community..! I seriously dont know how some of you guys do it!

In other non-weight loss related news,, I hate this economy man! Like seriously... I've been looking for a job for ages!!! (3-4 months). Im only 18, and I really need a job. I need it to pay for college. But Im just not finding one... :( So sad. Please pray for me guys!!!!

Anywhoo whoo... plus, the last time i had a job, I had gotten down to my lowest wieght of 131, because I stopped eating and started concentrating more on the money. I love money this means,, more than food! hehe.. I want a job where I cant eat, where I constantly burn calories... ho hum pigs bum.... : p .

Untill tommarow, my skinny sisters! Luv U !!!!!

Dont wanna talk about it..

So like I said in my last post, I am now going to write down everyday's calorie intake. And so for yesturday it was : 2,000 (approx), all binged and most purged. I guess I waz sick and my body was craving, and im sorry I tried my best to control, but I could not. Im sorry, old habits die hard, I am an ex-bulimic at the end of the day.

Im sorry, it won't happen again... :(

Thursday, October 1, 2009

It's time to get a little seriouse!

Ahhhh! Well these last few day's haven't been that bad calorie/food-wise, but still I dont seem to be seeing any results on the freagin' scale...! I dont know why my body hates me right now, but whatever-- I'll just try harder from now on. And also I am going to promise to post my intake on here at the end of every single day,, just so I dont become lazy, and so that I can keep track of everything better(starting tommarow)...

So today I got real motivation in the form of my boyfreind... The topic of weight came up in our conversation.. (uh-oh right??!!). Well anywhoo, he's like 5'7", and weigh's 132 pounds.... Shit. I weigh 8 pounds more than him.!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!! What the heck!!!??? Man either he needs to gain or I need to seriously looooose!!!!! AHHHHH!!! Im sorry, this is just kind of bugging me a lot... I actually feel like crying.. Im sorry Im ranting and that my spelling sucks. I told him that I wiegh 125, and he believed me. Hmm... Now I really need to get there. I hate this. What do you guys think? Am I over-reacting, or have any of you guyz dealt with this situation? ...

15 pounds. 15 pounds, untill I wont actually be lying to him... :''(
Stay Strong... Luv Raz...

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Slow and Steady?...

Hey all you dangerously hot skinny minnies! I haven't been posting much because their hasnt been much to say... I worked out till I thought I waz gonna die on saturday, but I have yet to see the 130's, (grrrrrrrrrrrr....). Whatever I guess.. This weight loss thing seems to happening at a much slower pace then when it did last time..

I think for me personally it's all in the blood sugar you know? My mom (and most of her family are all diabetic's, so this isn't really surprising to me, how the other day, i ate absolutely nothing untill 3pm, then binged/purged out on oatmeal and some spicey-shit, can anyone say ow..?) So lesson here: keep the blood sugars as steady as possible, so i dont end up binging like a cow.

I will be better, i have to be better.. I'm practically perfect in all other area's of my life but my body. Help me Ana. Thanks for everyone's support! Love you all!!!...

Friday, September 25, 2009

Like a Roller Coaster

Thats what my lifes been like this past week. But in the end it all turned out ok.. and I am now 140!!! I cant beleive it! l'll be seeing the 130's so soon..! (I thought this waz supposed to be hard, but im like losing a pound allmost every other day it seems!!! )

It's so true what a lot of bloggers say, that after you start restricting, it starts to feel like you need to restrict more and more... I even feel like if I eat my favorite food (chocolate), it will stick to my thighs or something..! Even a tiny little piece seems like too much.

Well whatever it takes I'll get to the 120's and even then some...! I have a good feeling about this! Like, im already ahead of the schedule I had planned out for myself... Happy, Happy, Happy!

Bye for now, and remember: "nothing tasts as good as skinny feels..." !

Monday, September 21, 2009

Why Hello there...

Hmmm.. wat to say.? How about "life's is being a seriouse bitch right now"?... Can't even enjoy my weightloss when it decides to come because of this stupid thing called my life. Wish I could explain, but i wont bore you with the boring, sad, and mediocrity of it all...

Wieght loss wise, I am now 142.0, which is basically in my head is 141, pretty much, (just go the bathroom once and it'll be, watever..) Yah so I finally figured out how to add pictures on this thing... And at your right you'll see a pic of urs truly.. This was actually taken a while ago, I mite update it...

The trouble with losing wieght and being naturally big boned is this..= It's f#$%ing harder to lose weight and the people around you notice it so much quicker. "You should eat something Raz, look at how your bones are popping out!" So basically because of my bones , i've have't even seen the 120's.. Like the closest I got waz 131... And I looked like a walking bag of bones, but the scale always felt like it waz telling me= "No not enough, not enough, look at this number, dont listen to ur parents or freinds, listen to me.." So now I will. Im big boned. But I will also be thin.

Thin+Naturally big bones= I think I can deal with that... =)

Bye for now you gorgy porgy's... !!!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Feeling the tables turning..

Hey, I just lost another stubborn pound! Hahahaahahaahaha! ... I thank my new found crush.. he's amazing! =D.. Really! It's like I dont even have an appetite any more!!!.. wtf?!.. Well whatever it is, it's working! .. So a little tip, fall in love! It'll make u more consoiuse of urself!!! (cant spell, can u tell?).. Especially if the guy (or girl)- is way skinnier than u...

Cant have fat old me, seen with a skinny hot dude, now can I?!!! Ahhh, wowz...

Eye's now covered with rose colored glasses, and nothing is tasting as good as this crush (love?).. feels...
(sorry corny i know!! lolz..)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Feeling in Control

Hey everyone, as the tittle suggests lately i've been feeling really good about my intake! I have'nt binged or purged, so i guess im proud of that. The only problem seems to be the exercise. Like a lot of people i just cant exercise as much as I'd like... Also when I eat less, the desire to exersice also go's down.. :(

Wieghtloss i think is happening. I didnt really have a solid plan about intake at first, but now-a-days my will power is so strong, im just going to try eating as less as possible, while at the same time trying not to have the dreaded binge-purging that usually comes after starving.. I think it's harder 4 my body to lose wieght because after i had lost so much last year and gained some back, my body doesnt seem to want to let go of this f#*$g FAT!!!, oh well.. ooh, and also on a side note: The Biggest Loser is back!, I find that show awesome reverse thinspo..

Just trying to burn more than i consume, and loven' the emptyness... The scale will follow...
Peace out! Stay Strong ladies!

Friday, September 11, 2009

If only they knew.

Hello there again guys.. i swear, where wud i b without u guys? It's like really helpfull because when im about to go for more food or something or if im too lazy to exercise... i have u guys in the back in of my mind. It's hard to explain.. Anywhoo.

Well this weird thing happened the other day. I got called fat by this guy.. I know he meant it in a joking way but still. I made some smart remark back, but he kept saying it. I felt like shit though... He's fatter than me for godsakes!!! Even though he's just a guy and most guys dont get it, it's still like u should really shut up u know? If he knew all the fucking issues i've had with food and how im not even completely over them. But im not one to share my secrets with A-holes.. It made me want to eat more at first because i waz pissed. But now, his remarks are only really helping me to work harder. It waz kinda like just the thing to really get me seriouse.

So thanks jerkface! And bring on the critism(s)! =)

Sunday, September 6, 2009

And slowly she'll get there...

Well im sure u guys must have noticed that the days of summer and all the insecuritys that come along with it are going to be leaving us.. finally! Have u noticed that it's easier to lose wieght in the fall-winter seasons? It is for me anyways...

Wat kinda ticks me off a lot , is how my stupid body decided to get fat at all the wrong moments... I waz perfectly fine.. happy and thin at the beginning of the year.. then stupid mia came along, then bada bing bada bang just in time for spring the fuckin' pounds crept up on me.. And near the end of the school year i waz always soooo into my mia act (because of major last year of high school stress), i waz always so bloated and depressed all the time.. Perfect timing because the hottest guy i had ever laid my eyeballs on came into my life at precisely this time. W T F???!!! He never got to see the thin, fabulouse, amazingly beautifull REAL me...

Because the real me had always been hidden "behind the fat"... :( But i swear to anyone who cares and/or reads this blog... I SWEAR, today that i will get there again soon!

Luv u allz! :)

Friday, September 4, 2009

It could be worse

Hey everyone! It's me again. Wieghtloss-wise, not much to report.. because i binge-purged a few times during moments of extreme stress, its easy to see why that would be.. But as the title of this post suggests "It could be worse".. i could have gained for instance, but thankfully i didnt and now im being a good little girl and sticking to it! It's so scary how someone else seems to take over during a binge-purge session... So freagin' hypnotic and weird! I'll try to keep it at bay...

And just stay IN CONTROL!!!!.. (i just need to remind myself sometimes and what better place to do it then here?)..

Stay strong everyone! Best of luck! =)

Monday, August 31, 2009

Not Giving up this easily!!

Hello my my fellow ana and mia and also ednos (?) sisters!!! Writing on this blog is like a huge exhale... compared to the crap i've been dealing with at home.. so much so that i fell asleep crying one night and even (yes i know, it WONT happen again!) , tryed to suffocate myself with a grocery bag.. how sad am i? Really sad.. and i dont wont any of you strong women to get depressed or anything but the thought that kept repeatedly going through my head was: "you probably ask me why i want to die, i ask you-what is there to live for?'... wat is there to look forword to? ecxept the ordinary, ecxept the teasing, taunts, arguments.. the good things seem so limited now.. This, (meaning my secret world of calorie counting, purging, over-exercising, and blogging), for right now is where i find myself turning to.

I just wish there was some place you know? To escape.. With out having having to live, with out having to die.. just some place.. (and please dont suggest drugs =)haha.. I guess for now, that someplace else is right here. In this diary-like blog right here, right now..

Good news though! I am now 144! Havn't seen that number in a long time!!!! Whoo! We makin' SOME progress!!!! ********** Best of luck and lots of love to everyone! =)************

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


UUURGH! i guess you cud say i've been a little off b/c its that time of month again. During this time, i dont even bother wieghing my self untill its over... And i think it pretty much can blow it self over and away without causing any damage... I actually heard somewhere that bieng on ur period actually makes ur body naturally have to burn more calories. This makes sense because, that must be why super ana girls stop getting their periods, b/c their bodies just cant afford to spend the extra calories keeping thier reproductive system going... hmm?...

But still. I am scared of the scale. It controls me. Also this stupid bloaty feeling! UUURGH! hehe my post today began and ended with the same statements...

Do u guys also freak out when this happens? Do u take the scale seriously during that time of month? hope u guys r doing well! i really do! :)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

So Right!!!

U girls r so rite! That will be my new mantra: "food will make u happy 4 only a few moments, but being skinny will make u happy 4 ever!" I think this is an amazing quote!!! Thanks guys! :)

I am freagin .2 ounces away from 144! Crap!!! Y doesnt that .2 just go away???!! I must exercise, and restrict MORE!!! oh, well slow and steady wins the race i guess.. in other news my mother wieghed her self and she had gained.. hahahahahaa! I really dislike my mother.. When i used to be really fat, she always used to tease me a lot, then i remember a time, when my parents actually took away my scale and fought with me because they thot that other people would think they dont feed me or something!!! Like, WTF do u people want??!! But im not gonna play the blame game and say it's their fault im now (uurgh!!!), normal, im just get thinner and thinner and there wont be anything left to say anymore... Wow i just realized that a big reason im doing this is to get back at my stupid parents... wow, can anyone say issues?...

Thursday, August 20, 2009

If at first u dont succeed...

Is now my attitude towards this journey. A big thanks to Sam for just putting a big smile on my face thanks to her comment! :) It coudn't have come at a better time, there's freagin 3 pizza's at our house, for a family of 5! Like jeez, wtf?!! My dad waz like "so, wat do you want on it?" And i looked at him like "really?", Pizza's my favorite food, thats y i avoid it like crazy!! I just think to myself, "smell, toach, look and admire, but dont eat!!!". So yeah, watever, food just turns into crap anyways, i dont need it! Gross, in know im sorry!

Anywhoo, im such a huge hypocrite! I waz like "dont purge" in my last post, and guess what i did? I purged... Shame on me, i know. It's usually very rare though, and i seem to only want to do it when im really stressed out or angry/frustrated and such. Most days, you'll find me restricting like a good ana! :)

Just a curiouse question BTW: how much wud u say is your average weight loss per week?, mine is a pitifull one pound per week :( .. oh well, at least it's something and not gaining!)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I fantasize...

I've been fanstasizing a lot recently. About obviouse things like being skinny,and not so obviouse things like: running away 4rm home or just plain running away 4rm life. How can such a positive person like me, have such horrible thoughts like these? I dont know... Well thats where the control factor comes in.. when u cant seem to control ur life anymore, all u have left is control over your self/what u consum, etc. I used to be really fat, once upon a time, then skinny, now im just...???? in the middle, lost...

Fantasizing yet agian, wishing things were different...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Why is it that after u exercise, u feel so freagin hungry??? I've also noticed since i've started restricting agian, that my skin is so much paler.

Any whoo, a funny thing happend the other day, im currently looking 4 a job, and during my interview, the supervisor was like looking at me and she kept repeating, "you realize you'll b doing a lot of heavy lifting?". She asked me this like 5 times, with a wierd luk on her face. Truth b told, it waz probably because i looked so out of place there. Everyone else waz like short, squat (and generally big, muscular and fat). And wen i went out people were like "she got hired?!" Its cul that i probably did, but its so not 4 me. I felt like a freakin runway model compared to those people! lol..

Oh, and by the way, a little advice 4rm someone who just got over this: Dont even think about purging/bulimia! It might work 4 like a month, but then it'll creep up on u in the form of pounds, so just BeWaRe!!!...

Wish me luck . I'm rooting 4 u! Stay strong and u'll get there! :)

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Starting out? Not really..

Well, hello there everyone! My "names" Raz, and im new to the bloging scence, but not to the E.D scene unfortunatly (or fortunatly if u like to see it that way)... i've always read u girls' blogs, and they hav always been the voice of strength for me and the voices of peolpe who actually understand wat we r going thru. It's all mental really. we dont care wat happens to us physically, (as long as its not getting fatter! :) Its a mental battle, wen u get down to the root of it. who will win today? the food or my mind? Anywhoos dont want to bore u with my thoughts on E.d. I personally had a beutifull brush with Ana, then went on the down hill path of Mia. (I hate/Love u Mia!!) But now, im trying to reconcile ana, and get back to where i waz.. bak to wen people complimented me,back to wen i wud lay down on the floor, and i cud feel my hipbones.bak to wen the guys actually noticed me, bak to wen i almost collapsed from sheer hunger. bak to wen , even if life lucked, or i had a bad day, it wud all b ok, because atleast then i was thin, loved, and skinnier than them! Wish me luck guys! And stay strong! (P.S sorry 4 the typos hehe).

"Whats life worth living if its not PERFECT!?"