So I purged last night for the first time in about a month. I know Im not cured in any way, last nights incident proves this. I just try my hardest to do it as less as possible.
WHAT COMES OVER US????????????????????????????
Like seriously. I had planned everything out. I even read rains and felicity's awesome helpfull comments.. It was all planned out and ready to be executed. But it didnt happen. Something snapped and I was swept backwards into my cravings.
Conflicting thoughts going thru my head:
"If you stop now, there might not be that much damage!",
"Keep going, your body is craving these things, you can purge it out later.."
"Eat you fatso, then dont purge, that will teach you"
"If only you werent so obsessed about all of this, you would'nt be in this mess"
--"But then maybe I wouldnt be as skinny as I am now..."
All of these thoughts. Probably more and all the mean while, I am trying to shut them up with food.
And so I did. It hurt. I always eat some spicy stuff, (I never learn, lol). People started knocking on the bathroom door at one point. I didnt care, this was more important...
It happens. Life happens. Its nice to get it out on this blog. To reflect.
Thank goodness, I didnt gain (yet). And even if I did, it's OKAY. I have enough strength I think to dust myself off, and try again. Only 14 pounds are standing in the way... :) Just a bump in the road. One day-one slip up...
I had a dream that someone was telling me they think I 'm getting fatter. That is inspiration enough for me to do better... :)
Stay Strong = stay sexy.. ;)
xxoo, Razzzzz....
okay first off spicey food no please biggest mistake sooo been there acid does a fine job on its own of hurting your throat spice is not needed (neither is acidic foods or scratchy foods) first goal resist the spicey food ouch cause i know it hurts please honey no spice
ReplyDeletehaha i never get the thought stop now less damage will be done i just think right started now and do my best to inflict as much damage as i can
keep going you havent gained thats barely even a stumble on your path
x
I always think the same thoughts once I start bingeing. "Don't worry, you can get rid of it soon. Just keep eating until you can't swallow anymore, keep eating while you can." Its a horrible cycle if you keep thinking that way. But the good news: it isn't a cycle, just a tiny obstacle in your path. Stay strong!
ReplyDeletePs. I'm so jealous you have such motivating dreams! I wish my subconscious needed to fast as much as I do
Oh, sorry to hear that :( t least you didn't gain though. It's horrible to slip up, but it happens to us all.
ReplyDeleteI have 14 pounds to lose too, until I'm at my goal weight. We can do this. Stay strong. x