Saturday, December 26, 2009

Fast went well

I wanted to fast for longer, but I can only ever do it for one day, (so far). And I started my period the same day, so I didnt think it would be a good idea?

I am feeling either very weak or tired. All the caffiene I had from yesturday, (diet coke and coffee to surpress my appetite), is making me seriously crash. I hate how my parents are commenting on my eating habits. But at this point it just go's in one ear and out the other. Some of the exuces/reasons they try to give me to eat more and become a fattass again, (and my responses to them):

1.) Your still growing, your body needs the nutrients, (bs im already 18, how much more am I grow?).
2.) Your never going to get any skinnier than that because of your bone structure, ( Just watch me ;)
3.) Your hair is thinning, you cant lift that, your eyes look sunken, blah blah, (Not even enough, mother and father,not even enough yet...)

But despite all that they say, I dont lsten because you know what? I think they are secretly happy that I do this. Because nowadays whenever I had relatives over, or I go anywhere with the family, they dont seem ashamed to put me forword and say "this is our daugher, isnt she beautifull?"

I am sacrificing something good, for something better.

And we will Rock On ;)... peace out

Friday, December 25, 2009


Binged on christmas cakes yesturday. But guess what? I didnt purge. I dont ever want to purge again. So I had a food belly all night. IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE!!! (is my excuse). I felt a certain defiance towords mia last night. I dont want to turn to her ever again. I will be responsible for when I loose control. I am willing to gain one or two pounds in a week, if that will ultimatly lead to skinny-ness long term, you know what I mean?

And so today I'm doing a fast with lots of exercise! Yay for post christmas eve dinner empty-ness!

Making myself keep the food in, really made me realize how gross it feels inside. :P Blech...
Thanks for commenting you guys! They really do give me hope (shady rae ;)..
Stay Strong xxoo

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I feel the control coming back. I WILL NOT resort to mia.

Feeling nice and empty right now, (thanks laxies, i dont use them often, only when I'm feeling icky, if you know what I mean)... And waiting for my gorgeouse boo.

He's so perfect and skinny I dont deserve him. GAh...

I dont know how much I wiegh. Im scared to find out. I lost control a few days back, because I thought I woudnt even be awake to see the next day, but I guess I was wrong, I did awake, and I'm trying again.

My body seems to be stuck at, 138-140. Well guess what?! Thats Just NOT GOOD enough for MOI!!! Bwah hahahahahahahahhahahahahah!

ahem ahem***

Thanks for the comments everyone! They really are not only encouraging, but also make me think. Think for example, how cool it is that how some of you also used to beleive you couldnt get to any lower weights, but you did. How just trying, will in someway inevitably lead us to be the skinny gorgeouse lady's we all know we are inside... ;)

I hope everyone's holidays are going well. (And by that I mean you are avoiding food like some high paid supemodel or

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Fatty Mc Fat Face

Thats it. I no longer have any say. Im all yours Ana. **sigh**

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Not giving up...

Past few days have been spent in a rush of mood swings, binging, purging, fasting, hating my self everything that comes along with having an e.d... FUCK ME.

My wieght has gone up. 140.2 as of this morning. I hate my self. Mia, I thot I told you to go away. 

And so, today I am going to try again. To gain some control. Find it. It's there somewhere.

Im just so sad. Hopeless. I love you all. You dont even know me, but you all are so supportive. There's no hope. I find myself just breathing. I guess the reason I've been sabotoging myself lately, is so that I could feel something. Anything. Even if it meant guilt. I wanted to numb myself.

I wont give up, I will keep trying. Hope is slipping though. I am grasping, fighting for the control.

Stay Strong, (i will try to as well)...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Fasting untill further Notice

Fast starts now. Ends, when you feel like yourself again. Empty, pure, back down on the scale, and light headed.

Untill then, nothing but black coffee, tea, water and gum.

1.00 pm tuesday, untill?_________

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Well I have a blog, so I should post.. here it go's

I feel more disgusted, fat, and more of failure now, (at 136-sh pounds), than I did when I was 10 pounds heavier. When I was binging-purging a few days before, I was asking myself at the time, why I was undoing all my hard work, and letting it all go to waste. My excuse: Im depressed. I thought; "to hell with it, it's not like Im a model or actress or someone who has to be perfect all the time. To hell with it, it's not like anyone cares or gives a damn.."

But I've discovered since then, that that isnt true. Someone does care. Some people do care. The people reading this blog care. I dont know who they are, but I can relate to them, and know that I am not alone. I could take the easy way out, become fat, and stop caring about what I look like. I might as well just die, because then I'd have become even more deppressed.

No. No, I've found that I have to live. For something. I cant tell you what it is yet. But I just know that I have to keep going. And better to live Pro-ana and striving for perfection, than as a sad i right?...

P.S: Have a new e-mail, just for this blog:, would love to hear from you, add me?

Make your dreams come true

Friday, December 11, 2009


My weight has been see -sawing all week. Going from 136.2, (yaay!), to 138.4 today, (boooooo!).

I will not become discouraged though! Yesturday, I did the longest and most calorie burning work out. I had blisters on my feet afterward. So basically I've been stuck on a plataue this whole week, and I feel like killing someone right now...grrrr..

Okay, ill post again, when something decides to go my way...

Peace out, Stay Strong!

Monday, December 7, 2009

You guys are always right!

I was just retaining that h2o, because of mrs.monthly. That's good, because I was going to smash that scale if the numbers kept going up. Today I am .2 pounds away from 135! :D Then 10 more pounds untill my first goal wieght of 125, (at which weight I will officially be skinnier than my thin little sister, because I'm taller than he, BWAHAahhahaha!, nothing against her at all, but,you know how it is...) And then lower, then lower than...? maintain it, I guess :)

I was always the "fat one". Always. Now, when I saunter past my short and squat mother, I have a tremendouse feeling of satisfaction. And I think to my self: maybe, someday, in the not so distant future, I may even someday be *gasp*, beautifull?

Went to the store, and it was also kind of annoying how, I had to keep pullingmy pants up. But then I reminded my self that this is a good thing, and that if i do get too thin, I could just borrow my little sis's clothes..Bwahahahaha, (sorry I'll

Well this was a really loopy post. See ya later. Remember: There's no such thing as being too thin ;)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Hmmm, just a little update

Is it possible to to gain maybe like a pound/ pound and a half from eating too much fiber all of a sudden? Cause, I think thats what's happend to me, and I really dont know what to do.I've been restricting really well too. Planning on just waiting it out for now, and I am like CRAVING exercise. Second the rents leave, I'm heading out to the gym.

P.S: Thanks for listening to my rantings on my last post. I am feeling much more positive right now. And no amount of food sitting around in me and trying to throw me off is going to stop me from becoming thin, perfect.
It's going to happen. I promise you all!

Stay Strong everyone! We will get there(!)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

She got so good at pretending, she almost fooled herself...

Hey, guys! I'm back, and the scale reads 136.0... =) Still loosing this means. It's so weird how just the day before I was wondering if I would be able to get down to 135 before saturday, (because according to Losertown, a webcite I came across that I will post a link a to, I should be that much by saturday).

In other news, went to a job interview, and I had to pick 2 cards that had questions on them and answer them, in front of not only my interviewees, but also about 8 strangers. The first question went fine. But while answering the second one, I dont know what happened to me. I seriously dont. I completelyze froze on the spot, and even considered throwing the damn card on the employers table and running from the room. Intstead, I think I just rambled through it and mumbled: "uuummm yeah, that's it..." Stage fright? maybe. Nervouse breakdown? possibly. But looking back, I think it happened more because subconcously, (sorry cant, I've already given up. I had already admitted defeat.

And so, woke up crying at 4 am. Just woke up, and listened to mom going on about how my luck is just horrible these days, i dont pray enough, and bragging to my dad about how good HER JOB is. Its not even about my employment problems, just the general mediocrity of my life.

The general shittyness, the pain, the humiliation, the always dealing and helping other people out, while never having had anyone who understands me. Even my own boyfreind, who i love more than my life, doesnt like emotional displays of affection from me, and so I try not to around him. I'm the one who lifted him off the ground, when he was down. I'm the one that had to listen to his crying over the phone and stop him from doing anything that he would have later regretted.

He has me, but I never had anyone, self-less too the point of stupidity and depression. I'm sick of putting on the front that I'm as strong as you think I am. Parents bought it, they had high hopes for me. Siblings bought it, they looked up to me. Putting others before me, and now I've got no where to go, I have no identity. All I have is this, my disorder....

Sorry for rambling so much, I just had to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading, if your not already half-way asleep yet... >.<

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!!!!