Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween Everybody!!!

I didnt post for a while, because I've just been really exhausted thanks to my new freind Mr.Treadmill. So far it's been about 3 days since I got it, and the thing is just so addictive. Im going to try and give myself a break, but I love the sweat, the feeling of absolute exhaustion that I get afterwards. And it's so reasurring that it burns the calories right up,  of which would otherwise be keeping me up all night. I love the PAIN!!! =)

My legs are changing in shape. I havent seen the 140's since I started exercising, and I intend to keep up this cycle of goodness. I couldnt have done it without you guys though. =)

Yah, so about Halloween, odly I dont feel any interest or temptation for candy. In my head, it's like why in the world would I let all my hard work go to waste, for some stupid candy? No Siree Bob, not happening.

It's so strange, this same time last year, I was a full on bulimic. And I was spiralling down hard. This time around, I'm doing it for Ana, and I feel so good! Ahhh, 125 is not far now, it seems so close. And plus, this time I have you guys, and this blog.

Much love always, xxoo...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Yay! A new Treadmill for the Fatty.

Yesturday after a horrific binge, I was pleased to find that my parents bought a new treadmill. I swear it's a sign. I was thinking omg, how the hell am i going to live with myself after this stupid binge, but then i assembled the new treadmill and off i went.
OMG. The people in the gyms and on t.v make it look so easy. It freakin hurt! I am really out of shape!

So, yeah I guess it just takes some mistakes (binges), and a treadmill in the living room, to get me off my fat ass. Lovely. 

Stay Strong!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Is this what you call progress?

Since I've started this blog I've gone from a wieght of about 147 to 138, (what i am now). That's a loss of about 9 pounds. I've gone from crazy out-of-control bulimic, to a restricting Anamia. It's happening, it's happening slowly but it's happening. Urrrggh. I dont really know what the point of this post is. I think I may be pms-ing.

My life sucks. I cant find a job. My parents make too much money and so we cant turn to the government to help fund my education. My parents dont even care about furthering my education. I have no one. I'll have to be all no my own out in the real world. Everyone say's they care. But they dont really. They have problems of their own.

Withering away. In my own sadness. Being empty, getting smaller, atleast looking better and prettier everyday is something. Takes away the sadness. If only for a little while...

P.S= I am joining Strawberry Shortcakes weight-loss competition which starts this halloween. Join...? :)
The Linky Dink =

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I cant beleive I didnt give in

Ahaahahaha, in your stupid face 139, I was 138 after my fast. Everything went great. I was out most of the day,doing errands and laundry, cam back showered, didnt even have time to dwell on food. It's around 6pm that I felt a little weak, but I didnt give up. Thanks everyone for all you great comments..

Haha Im getting so exited over a one day fast. Oh well, small steps- I loved it, and I'll definatly try to do it more often and for longer periods.

Well not much else to report. Im gonna catch up on all your lovely blogs now...


Saturday, October 24, 2009

Saturday Fast

I freaking messed up again last night.
The only way to try and fix it in my head is to fast. And thats what I am going to do. Only water and calorie-less drinks for me today.... i binged on rice. Rice is hard to make come up again. I tried my best. The rest I am going to Fast off today. Thats the plan. I need this. I absolutly hated the feeling of food in my stomach. The way it made me bloat, and gassy, urrrggghh. Fuck food today. I am so not eating. Shud have never trusted mia. Ana's girl completely... She doesnt let me down.

I just have to do this Fast. Easy.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Inspiration for a better tommarow...

So I purged last night for the first time in about a month. I know Im not cured in any way, last nights incident proves this. I just try my hardest to do it as less as possible.
 WHAT COMES OVER US????????????????????????????
Like seriously. I had planned everything out. I even read rains and felicity's awesome helpfull comments.. It was all planned out and ready to be executed. But it didnt happen. Something snapped and I was swept backwards into my cravings.

Conflicting thoughts going thru my head:
"If you stop now, there might not be that much damage!",
"Keep going, your body is craving these things, you can purge it out later.." 
"Eat you fatso, then dont purge, that will teach you"
"If only you werent so obsessed about all of this, you would'nt be in this mess"
--"But then maybe I wouldnt be as skinny as I am now..."

All of these thoughts. Probably more and all the mean while, I am trying to shut them up with food.
And so I did. It hurt. I always eat some spicy stuff, (I never learn, lol). People started knocking on the bathroom door at one point. I didnt care, this was more important...

It happens. Life happens. Its nice to get it out on this blog. To reflect.
Thank goodness, I didnt gain (yet). And even if I did, it's OKAY. I have enough strength I think to dust myself off, and try again. Only 14 pounds are standing in the way... :) Just a bump in the road. One day-one slip up...

I had a dream that someone was telling me they think I 'm getting fatter. That is inspiration enough for me to do better... :)

Stay Strong = stay sexy.. ;)
xxoo, Razzzzz....

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

It's there, i could binge...

I have a problem. (Big surprise, huh?). Anywhoo, the problem is that for most of the day, (firt half of th day or so), go's really well for me. But then at the end of the day, lets call it my dinner, or the last time I'm suppoesed to eat for the day, I get monstorouse cravings!!!!! Like even right now, as I'm typing. I want it. I want it. I'm trying to type. Shut up voice of stupid fat girl!!!!!

Wow. I sound kinda crazy... Lol...

Anywhoo I think Im going to try and listen to some of of my thinspo music and hope that helps...

Oh and thanks for all your advice on everything, in my last post... You guys rock! :)
think 125, think 125.... 

Monday, October 19, 2009

Ow, Ow, Ow

So lately I've been feeling soooo tired. I have the will power to not eat, but I also am having to push myself to get up in the morning on an empty stomach. Push myself to to pretend like I have energy. I think maybe I shoudnt exercise? Because that's what I did, and now you can find me walking around all tired like and stumbly.

I know It may sound weird but its like: I know I can not eat, but now Im worried about how Im going to be able to work like this, when (if) I get the job, that I have an interview for on thursday, (wish me luck!), like will they take one look at me and say, "nope, this girl does not look like she would be up for physical needs of this job"? Hmmm...

I want to be thin, "waif -like". But I also need to be strong for a job that might be physically demanding, is what Im trying to say. Any advice guys?

I really cant beleive I can not remember the last time I purged! After reaching the 130's this week, Im positive I am not going back there again. It just doesnt work. (I still do it tho if I eat too much, I just dont BINGE and purge. You know, if I accidently eat more than Im comfortable with , then I do it. The thought of binging scares me. I want to stay in control.

On another possitive note, I heard my mother complaing last night about her wieght, and how her co-workers noticed she gained over her vacation. That's what she gets for all the taunts and teasing I used to endure when I was younger.. HAHAHA. But anyway, I do find myself becoming more respectfull of our 'fat/overweight' freinds. It easier said than done to be thin. The world has to run with all types of body shapes and sizes. I really am cool with that, even though I myself am so insecure. That's just me then. Messed up in the head and terrified of calories and jeans that might not fit...

I just dont want to go back there again. I just want 125 or below.

Peace, Love, Ana, muah! I love you guys! I really do, and sorry if I suck at this commenting thing..., I really do appericate your inputs =) (!) xxoo

Saturday, October 17, 2009

In a funk

Im in a really wierd state of mind today, and I've noticed Ive been like this for a few days now. Like there's yummy, deliociuse food everywhere. And I woudnt say I've been binging my heart out, but I am guilty of not counting my calories and "taking a little bit of this, and a little bit of that"... urgh. So I've decided or the rest of the day I will consume nothing but water.

Parents, Family, Holidays, EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! wants to make me fat. I'm not gonna let this happen.. No way. No how.

I will fight this addiction that is food.

Fight. Stay Strong everyone... muah! ;)

Friday, October 16, 2009

Hehehehehe,,, 139!!!!

YES!!! Im finally in the 130's! oop oop! (Dont get too exited though, still got a loooong ways to go!.

Yah,so on the first day that I made my declaration of no posty posty untill im at 139, I had the headache to end all headaches. And I told my mom while I was driving, and she told me it was because I dont eat anything. Fuck You. I just really dislike my mom. But it waaas kind of wierd : I had a headache, i was starving and it felt like someone was trying to pull my eyeballs back into my sockets. Scary, while driving my eyes even wanted to shut soo bad. Urghh. This not eating thing is not that bad. Im doing fine, but its that same cliche line I guess that I have to remember : Stay Strong...

And yesturday while I was starving my fat ass, I realised how under-rated this feeling of omplete emptyness is. It's amazing!!! And after looking at some thinspo and reading your blogs I made up this little poem. I am a (very)  amatuer poet, hehe so sorry if it's cheezy beyond your limits. Here it go's: (by the way, I wrote all this just as I went along)...

I've said I've wanted to die,
So many times before
Then why am I still here?

I've tried and tried to cry
but the tears dont seem to want to come anymore.

Let's not eat today
and worry about, fat calories and carbs.
But lets get lost in each other,
the night, the muzic and hearts.

Hearts that seem to beat a little too fast
in tune to the music
Is it dehydration? Or the fact that theres nothing inside?
Is it love thats pounding in my head? Or music?
Cant seem to tell anymore.

Silence please.
I wish only for silence.
So that maybe you will hear the raindrops falling in the sky.

Slience please.
I wish to hear Ana tonight.
To love her and her only.
Somehow I know that if I love her
she wont ever let me down.

I've heard enough, seen enough, know enough allready.
That the world cannot be trusted.
Innocent you think I am.
You were right.
Too innocent I still am.

People ask: why do you want to die?
I as in return: what is there to live for?

Too many thoughts, suspicions and fakeness.
Everywhere you turn.

Let me walk forever now
untill I cant walk anymore
untill I can find, some kind of truth.

lets fall forever now, into the arms of Ana.
let me drown.
Let there be silence.

Holiday foods are bieng made in the kitchen right now. Crap.

C U soon lovelies!!! =)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

MF PLATAUE (or however it is u spell it!)

Im not going to come back here untill Im 139!!!!

I just cant take it anymore!

C, U SOON,, my lovelies!!!! =)

P.S= Will still comment on you guys tho!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Feeling so cold.

I binged yesturday. I hope it didnt do too much damage.

And then this morning after a cup of strong, black, no sugar no milk coffee, i felt so sick and full that I didnt even a laxative. Fuck, I was in so much pain. Yesturday's binge=today's pain.

It's just so much easier not to eat.

So now, I'm like empty again. That was fast. It was like even my stomach knew, the food wasnt supposed to be there, so it just got rid of it. Amazing. I learned my lesson... Now Im sitting here empty.

The rain is pounding outside my window. It is a very grey and cold morning. Both outside and inside myself.(does that make sense?), shivering now...

 Good Day to you all...

Sunday, October 11, 2009

140's--Go AWAY!!!!!!!

Hello everyone, I have nothing in particular to say, so if you dont mind I am going to RAMBLE,, big time.

So, as the tittle suggests the 140's love me and dont want to let go of me with out a fight. I dont remember it bieng this hard last time.!!! Anywhoo, today i waz 140.2. Soooo close! Today I was also this close to purging. What helped me stopped were 2 things:

1.) I read somewhere that the occasional binge is better than purging wieght-loss wise, and
2.) It's ok if I go 100-200 over my daily limit, I didnt even used to count calories the last time I lost weight,, so I must have been doing something right back then??!!! (just dont make it a habit!!!)

Umm yeah, thats what happened today. It's just so nice to get it all out here. =)
And on the plus I havent gained a pound. Im in control. Just slow where the numbers are concerned.

Ooooh, I love reading everyones blogs, but I have dsl internet (it's so slow), and so now Im gonna try and catch up on you all. . .

Peace, Love, Ana.....

Friday, October 9, 2009


Hey everyone. I just havent been posting as much because I feel like such a failure lately, wieght-loss wise. Right now I am hungry, cranky and all I really want to do is take something that will make me leave reality for awhile. If only to kill some time. I've got no job, parents wont pay for college, and all I've got is me and this disorder. Me and AnaMia. We all come into this world alone, and we are all gonna leave it alone as well. Its so wierd this state of  mind in. I want to lose it. I want to lose myself to this disorder. You guys, stay strong. Atleast stronger than me.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


Hey everyone! Didnt post --waz super buzy, job hunting and all. And dealing with the stupid cravings of our best freind,, Mrs. Monthly. I just get super lazy and tired becuase of her. Hmmm, how lovely wouldnt it be if I just stopped getting her. Who cares what it would do to my fertility? Like they say, to me being thin is waaay more important to me than bieng healthy.

Im still stuck at 140, Im losing at a snails pace, but atleast I'm losing, and not gaining. You guys this is kind of weird, but Im like starting to hear something in my head. Like you know, that little voice inside your head that tells you to "put that _______ (insert name of whatever food) down, you fat ass", or the one that say's, "why are sitting down? why dont you burn some calories or something, you shameless gorger??!!"

Im starting to hear it louder and louder each and every day. And I love it.

I was watching an episode of the Tyra Banks show, and there was an episode on our societies ridicule of fat people, and why we do it. I happened to say out loud, "Yup, I don't care either if your fat or skinny, it should'nt matter".. . (worlds biggest hypocrite that I am). And my sister said, "Yes you do,,, you weigh your self everyday", and my brother chimed in , "Yah and you seem to eat less and less everyday". My little brother noticed. He's in the 8th grade. Why does he even care? My parents are noticing too... Hmm Im gonna have to start wearing clothe that make me look fatter I guess, lol. Its the good ol' collar bones again. They always give me away...

Ho hum pigs bum...

Luv U guyzzz... Stay Strong...  

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Uh-oh, im out of coffee! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Sorry for sounding so apologetic in my last post. It wasn't meant for anybody but myself... Yah so today I had more than 700 but less than 1,000 cals... hmmm. I think its ok, it's nothing compared to the super-low numbers I see in this blogging community..! I seriously dont know how some of you guys do it!

In other non-weight loss related news,, I hate this economy man! Like seriously... I've been looking for a job for ages!!! (3-4 months). Im only 18, and I really need a job. I need it to pay for college. But Im just not finding one... :( So sad. Please pray for me guys!!!!

Anywhoo whoo... plus, the last time i had a job, I had gotten down to my lowest wieght of 131, because I stopped eating and started concentrating more on the money. I love money this means,, more than food! hehe.. I want a job where I cant eat, where I constantly burn calories... ho hum pigs bum.... : p .

Untill tommarow, my skinny sisters! Luv U !!!!!

Dont wanna talk about it..

So like I said in my last post, I am now going to write down everyday's calorie intake. And so for yesturday it was : 2,000 (approx), all binged and most purged. I guess I waz sick and my body was craving, and im sorry I tried my best to control, but I could not. Im sorry, old habits die hard, I am an ex-bulimic at the end of the day.

Im sorry, it won't happen again... :(

Thursday, October 1, 2009

It's time to get a little seriouse!

Ahhhh! Well these last few day's haven't been that bad calorie/food-wise, but still I dont seem to be seeing any results on the freagin' scale...! I dont know why my body hates me right now, but whatever-- I'll just try harder from now on. And also I am going to promise to post my intake on here at the end of every single day,, just so I dont become lazy, and so that I can keep track of everything better(starting tommarow)...

So today I got real motivation in the form of my boyfreind... The topic of weight came up in our conversation.. (uh-oh right??!!). Well anywhoo, he's like 5'7", and weigh's 132 pounds.... Shit. I weigh 8 pounds more than him.!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!! What the heck!!!??? Man either he needs to gain or I need to seriously looooose!!!!! AHHHHH!!! Im sorry, this is just kind of bugging me a lot... I actually feel like crying.. Im sorry Im ranting and that my spelling sucks. I told him that I wiegh 125, and he believed me. Hmm... Now I really need to get there. I hate this. What do you guys think? Am I over-reacting, or have any of you guyz dealt with this situation? ...

15 pounds. 15 pounds, untill I wont actually be lying to him... :''(
Stay Strong... Luv Raz...