Thursday, December 23, 2010

Scary dreams that might become reality

In it, nobody wanted to go out wih me, because they said i was too fat. :(

If thats not scary enough to scare you out of fatdom, i dont know what is.

On a side note. Its winter here, and maybe thats why im feeling kind sad. It could also be because of the break-up. Itproably is. Before I used to numb the saddness with food, but thats kinda dumb sooo. Im taking a multi-vitaminwith lots of vitamin D, because it's supposed to help with things like seasonal deppresion. Im feeling just so melancholy...guess its just that time of year.

Downtown Seattle in the evenings, around this time of year is so beauifull.  Still have got some christmas shopping left to do! eeps....:P

So far so good. I've been following the old plan, i used to follow when i was seriouse about shedding pounds. But I'm too scared to weight myself. All in due time.

A lot of you guys are getting sick i've noticed. Take care of yourselves guys!
And thank Zette and Astone....:D

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I want to know happiness again...

I need this blog now more than ever.

I have BALOONED. Thanks, to breaking up and making up with my stupid boyfreind. Depression. Sadness. Plus a good frend of mine allmost convinced me to get a doctors help. But our family's insurance doesnt start until January, and I dont think I could even do that. Tell the doctor I mean. I dont want to be the broken bulimic daughter, or a freakin loony.

I want perfection. I have to get better in order to achieve my dreams. And by better i mean thinner ...

But as we all know, we cant change the past.

We can only change the here and now.

And that is what  am going to do.

CHANGEEEEEE!!!!! New years is coming up again. This is my headstart week to get back into the thin game. Thinness doesnt make you cry, or break your heart, like some stupid boyfreinds do. 

I love you ana, and blog, and folowers. This time i really am back...

**you can never be too thin or too rich

Monday, November 22, 2010

We'll make the night last forever...

Hey everyone. Wow, I finally got an oppurtunity to post! Yay..Day off finally, anyblue...I am sooo happy! Wanna know Y? It's because:

1.) Broke it off with jerko boyfreind
2.) Am single , oh yeaaah!
3.) My new job at the bakery is awesome! (Dont worry, i hardly ever have to eat anything from there.!)
4.)It's snowing n seattle!!! And the city looks gorgeouse!
5.) It's going to be black friday soon and this year were going to do lots of stocking up for our trip to india.(im indian :P).. So shopping, shoppin, shoppin here i come!!
6.) I havent binged for the longest time. I'll weigh myself tomarow.

I just feel peacefull. Reading your blogs, and the buzz of the season, is really helping me out. It's when i start feeling sad, depressed and hopless, that i start binging...Ok from now on , im not even gonna say the B-word (aka binging)...I mean, you know from now on in my posts!

Postive energy Postive energy Postive energy to you all, and lower pounds and im off to comment on all you lovely lady's now! MWAH

Friday, November 12, 2010

Back to where it all began

So Im back, to my original blog...And I promise I'm here to stay, I dont know why I never felt like posting on my other new one...

Oh well, a little recap for you all. I AM FATTER THAN EVER!!!! I have balooned (about 5 pound lol, but itstill feels like to much, FAIL). Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe. But somehow I'm still persevering through all the crap I've been through since about the month of June, (when I quit my annoying job). And learned that my boyfreind isnt who I really thought he was.

Now, Im working part time at a job I adore, and am dating a much more promising hunk...;)
My desire's to end it all with a few chugs of bleach have all but gone...
I've put a lot in god's hands.
Told a mentor about my Bulimia (more like ednos)...

But I still need this blog THIS BLOG, not the other one. I missed YOU guys.

I still want to be the best I can be. As thin as I can be. From now on, I will strive for perfection. If I dont attain it, I'll atleast be a little bit better than mediocre....

Lets make our dreams come true, once and for all! :D <3
Time to catch up on your lovely blogs, i missed em!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Heyyy loverrrrsssss

I thot it was tim for a new change. I went thru a lot of shit, and so i have a new blog. It's a little different. A little bit more honest. A little less coo koo, and more focused. In the middle of a disorder ,not quiet out, but not all the way in too deep either. But please dont judge me, and I wont judge you. Please follow my new blog. Or i'll follow yours. wud love the support.

 Mwah...To new begginings..

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


Hey guys! Im back, and i missed you all bunches. I cant seem to do anything right with out blogging you know what i mean? The past month or so hasjust been like : oh look im losing weight, and doing fine not binging for maybe 1 week at a time,before I screw up all that effort in one b/p session.

It's frustrating to say the least. I f-ing hate my self right now I hate the side effects that come with losing weight. But I am still all the more determined. I am super dissapointed in myself for letting you all down as of late, so i wont tell you my current weight. Buuuuut, I will tell you that I have a fool proof plan now and i will STICK TO IT!!! I have written down on my calendar precicely how much wieght i will lose every week And when I should be getting to my goal weights.

I could just continue to stuff my face from today onwards and feel sorry for myself, but I wont do that. Failure is easy, Sucsess is hard. (and spell lol). So yeah, that will my motto, y not? :D

Thanks for sticking around you guys. For a lot of you it's been a while, but at the same time when I read the newer blogs, im like wow. I remember when i had that much hope and inspiration to become thin. I want it back so bad, i cant even explain!!!!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The ________

I wanted the title of this post to be something like "The begining", "the promise" or "the vow. " But I've said all things so many times before, theyre begining to lose meaning. Repetitve.

What I want to say is just this: I wont worry aboutthe end result anymore, of my weight goals. But I will do what I have to do, to make sure I am never as heavy as I am now, EVER AGAIN....

That is all. See you on the skinny side, it will take a while, but I will just have to be patient.

<3 good luck to you all's as well :)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Nothing can kill this

"if it easier to die than to live, doesnt it make sense to kill yourself everyday by staying alive?"- just a random thought, I wanted to share

It is self harm in itself sometimes to live, despite so much pain, and bullshit that might be goingon in our lives. My painkillers include, this blog/you guys, my little sister, freinds and a lover, and music and poetry. Although these things only temporarily ease the pain, they are enough. They are the reasons I exist.( Not that I would de without this blog or anything, but you know what i mean.) It's justone of the things that keep me going. And in a way seeing a minor success like on the scale, also helps a little, doesnt it? hmmm...

Well lately i've been losing instead of gaining, so thats a plus. Now I'm just off to read your blogs and chillax...:D

P.S- A phlebotomist is basically a lab assistant/blood and other specimen taker who works in hospitals, blood banks, clinics and the like. XD...was so surprised you didnt know, (peri lol).. But maybe they have another word for it where your from maybe...


Saturday, July 17, 2010

Back to normal(ish)..

I have tons of GOOD news to share! First of all to all my 200 followers a biiiiigggggg huuuuuugg!!! Its not about the number of follwers really, that impresses me, but how supportive and non-judgemental you all are! Like angels :))). Okay, enough with the sappy

Secondly, I have stopped binging!!! I love it! Im not going to sleep friggin dusgusted with myself and overwhelmed with guilt anymore, its lovely. It was just a sort attitude adjustment that I had to make, you know. From , "oh woe is me, I'll never be thin/good enough", to "I've done it before, and I'll do it again, I refuse to be the fat one an longer!". So yah, it's been about 3-4 days binge free!

And, I've decided on becoming a phlebotomist, you guys! I know its not that much of a career choice, but I think that atleast it's something. I could alwaysin the future, work my self up from there. I am going to be paying for my schooling out of my own pocket! Even if my parents offered to pay, I wouldnt want them to.

Because if I become something, that I thought up myself, and actually make a good decent life for myself, I want to be able to say tomarow, that: "yes, this was my own decision, and mine alone, I helped pick myself off the ground and supported myself". Basically, it will be a declaration of my own independence, and so that they can finally see that I DONT NEED THEM!!!. Sure I love them and all , but I cant stand their having so much power over me. I can make my own decisions, and I've decided. Wish me luck guys!!! :D

Back on-topic though, I've been really slacking on the exercise >_< Muscle stretches, and simple calisthetics, tennis yesturday afternoon, but not, you know A REAL GOOD SWEAT INDUCING WORKOUT!!!. Maybe getting off blogger for awhile would help, hmmmm? lol

Okay guys, I love you and your all sweet words!!! bye for now,
Lets get sexxxyy! ;) ... 

Monday, July 12, 2010

Epic Failure

I just cant seem to find the motivation anymore!

I feel so stuk :(

Just had A DAYS WORTH of calories for breakfast. I am ashamed, and feel hope is lost. Words seem  so empty. I am still empty inside, although not physically, unfortunatly.

Obviously I am not going to eat for the rest of the day. Going to try and exercise all day.

It's not my fault, I didnt even want to be alive this long....urrrrrggghhh.

I guess, Im just going to have to tough it out and try to find that feeling of control again.

 I am struggling!!!!!! :(

Sunday, July 11, 2010

yuck yuck yuck yuck

eeeeeeeewwwwwwww! I disgust my self soooo bad, i cant even explain! so i wont.

I've been away awhile trying sort my shit out, and i was doing real good, until about today..:(



Oh yes, the plan:

from 10 saturday-all sun untill 10 on monday, no eating, (ie 35-36 hr fast!) and exercise hard to make up for 1.5 bad days! and no binging afterwards only below 1500 cals and you have to count calories!!!

I hope you alls are well, and enjoying the summer. Summer sucks for me, cuz i feel so ugly in the sunshine, but i say kiss my fattass if you dont like wat you see, slowly, and steadily, u wont even notice when I'll become the skinny beee--ootch.!!!

:D...someone's had a little too much

L8r people..mwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaahhhh

Thursday, July 1, 2010

a reason to be

Im sorry to myself, for breaking all those promises and not even trying before givng up, each and every time.

Im sorry, mind , body and soul, for putting you thruogh this.

I just thought I could push a button, and all the pain would dissapear. Guess I was wrong. It will follow me everywhere I go.

Im not going to cosume anymore for the rest of the day. Going torture myself with buttloads of water and exercise instead. Going to run to the store and buy laxies. (I threw my other bottle away, because I thought I wouldnt need it anymore, guess I was wrong). Then I'll start over brand new tomarow.

I was always wrong. I have to listen to "her" voice. My own voice fattens me up and only brings pain and guilt, because I think I deserve it. "She", thinks there's still something left to save, as long I do as she says.
I get it now. I don't want to live in the first place. Might as well try to make the most of it and make "her" happy. When "she's" happy, Im happy. The world is happy. And things are better.
Better than they are now.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I have decided...

hey guyz, sorry i've been gone so long, when i read my comments yesturday i was flabergasted by how amazing you guys are! Absolutly flabergasted. (Allmost 200 followers? whhaaaa??? huuh? ok And during my absense,  have managed to again hold on to that elusive control! (I just 10 mins ago came back from the kitchen, after fighting my fat little greedy fingers from going aywhere near the junky stuff. I am proud of myself. The weight will come by itself, I just need that control back. Keeing in mind, I am trying to be a bit healthier about this stuff I have new rules:

1.) No binging+no purging. >.< , you can eat till your comfortably satisfied, like once or twice a monh to keep your metabolism up(we are all human ), but no B/p!!! No

2.) one day fast mandatory for anytime that you binge! But you wont binge, so this shoudnt be problem. RIGHT!!???

3.) 1500 cals is your max. You can by all means eat less, but thats the limit. I calculated my bmr+my daily activity, and according to it, if i stick to this, i will always have a deficit of something!

4.) 30+ mins of exercise everyday.

Simple rules, there arent many. I'm not going to let anything get me down. Im going to get to point where I used to be comfortable sharing my weight again. Remember those times? Yeah, I want that back so bad! :D

It'll happen, give in time.

In other news, I have decided that I will elope and get married to the man I love :P!!! :D. Im exited!! not yet ofcourse maybe in 2-3 years, im only 19! He's 18 now, our birthdays are 3 months apart, so for 3 months we are the same age, untill May comes again and then Im a year older lol. I remember a conversation we had a year ago, we were both virgins x_X, and he was like "where is it written that a 17 year old (him) cant f#*k a 18 yr old? (me)" lol. AndI told him, "umm in the law books, I could get aressted for raping you! ROFL :P". But yeah, we are crazy for each other :DD   (remember he's the one with the totally different religion, tee hee). We were talking one day, and to us, it only makes sense to marry the one that we are truly in love with are we right? So it only makes sense. And now adays my parents piss me off sooo bad, and my boyfreind is really well off and rich and stable already, I just want to get away as soon as i can you know?

My dad called me a mf-bI*$h. :( I've never really done anything wrong. Never did drugs, i dont have a baby like most of my freinds do already!!, I've always given up money when they needed it, I cook, I clean, Im polite, always got good grades in school, so wtf????!! I dont know why they treat me like this. My mom is so rascist, it breaks my heart. I have to get away. The day I was on my knee, holding a bottleof pills, writing suicide letters to him (the bf and my little sister), the only thing that kept me sane, was knowing how this would be so unfair for my boyfreind. He's why i didnt do it.  Lol, call me crazy, but I think my idiot parents will forgive me someday. What do you guys think? hmmm.. I love him a lot!

In the mean time I have got to get rich enough, (financailly more stable), thin thin thin, (bf is thin, he's trying to buff up, it's kind a cute lol), and become more independent. I feel they are only my parents in name now. I despise them. grrrrrr....

To love!!!! :DDD <3

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Not Recovery, just trying to figure it out.

Well, the title pretty much says it all. I hadnt posted for awhile becuase I was out of town, in Canada to be specific. A party, drinking, binging,dancing, late nights, passing out etc etc.. (need I say more? lol). But it was super fun and Im not going to dwell on any past failure's from now on, you know.

First of all I just wanna give all you lovely people one big cyber-hug! Your comments really made me smile. So supportive :D. But I kinda wanna explan myself a little....

 Recovery, is what I want eventually, someday. But I dont think I'm actually strong enough for that. I mean I guess by my last post I meant more along the lines of, "I gotta stop binging like a fatass, I'll never be thin". And more like I just gotta stop binging in response to every single f-ing problem life throws at me, you know? Food is not the answer. I wanted to recover from not only b/ping, but this sick addiction to food, i seemed to be developing.

My dream is still to be beautifully thin. Im not gonna give up on that. Ever. I'm just going take it as it comes. Right now I'm keeping it under 1300 calories a day, and lowering that as I lose. I plan on fasting, calorie cycling and so forth in the future.

I hope I make a little more sense now. You know how chaotic, this weight/food obsessed little world can get. I honeslty super-duper admire all of you have made the choice to get out of this world. But, it's just that, I can only relate too much to side of me that still dreams of perfection.

Maybe I'm just too far in. But it's ok, cause it's all I've ever known.

lots of lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee!!!!!! <3

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Broken Girl

I must be broken, there's no other explaination,
send me back to where i came from
i eat everyone's food, then go looking for more
Because i like to feel the pain,
I like the self-harm and torture
I think I deserve it.

Food will no longer be my drug of choice.

I've had enough of this, binging, purging, restrictig. Im done.

I found a great webcite recently, on it, were recoverer's of bulimia. They talked about how they werent always bulimics, they restrcited (were anorexics before), mia took them.

Im going to try something they call structured eating. You eat 3 well balanced meals and 1 or two snacks, and exercise a healthy amount. In other words--I want to (gasp) recover. Today I heard my own brother say, while trying on a three-piece tuxedo that "he'd lose weight", in order to keep fitting into it. After my mom had told him he's going to get larger as he grows. Coming from my brother, this really disturbed me. I want to be a good role model to them. Im older than them. I'm want to have kids someday, I dont want them to go thru anything close to what Im going thru, (im tearing up as i write this :P) My boyfreind looks at me somedays, and doesnt know what to do. He just distances himself, but never forgets to tell me that he loves me. My parents look at me and wonder where their smart, feisty chubby little girl went.

She broke.

I'll do this. Because I dont want to be a broken girl for the rest of my life. The high I used to get from starving myself, seems like it was so long ago. So why am I still grasping at nothing, trying to find it again? I know I might even lose some followers because of this decision of mine. Im not going anti ana or mia either. I'm still that weight/food obsessed chick i always was, but today and from now on, I hope to fix myself.

The sun hasnt even come up, where I live. It usually does by this time of year.

love, raz <3

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Pleasure brings pain...

Ugh, I hate by body's fuking needs...
I was on my period today, and i know I shoudnt use that as an excuse, but because of it I gave in and ate like 500 cals or so over my daily 1,000 limit.
It felt so wrong afterwards, I just wanted to rewind, shit shit shit.

But like they say, no use crying over spilled milk, (whatever)...

Tomarow I promise to myself to "Run/Jog/(only walk if i really need to)" in the morning at 8.00am for two whole hours! then do weights for an hr and a half. = 2 1/2 hours total.
Then have only an egg/brand combo 4 lunch @ 12.00, and oatmeal for dinner@ 7.00, and thats IT!= thats only 395 cals.

Which will leave a crazy low overall net intake, hopefully making up for today...
For everytime i let myself cave in, there has to be consenquences~!

I just regret today, have faith that i'll fix it tomarow, and move on... :P

Thx for your comments uys. They really keepme going. I'll try and catch up on your blogs now..
luv Raz-o- spazzo... ie Raz...

Saturday, June 12, 2010


This is a short post, but i diiiid complete my 3 day fast, (excluding a full sugar coke, i needed for the sugar, cuz i was going to be driving, u know..)

Today is saturday, and i have not binged, lost 5 pounds and i am sooo motivated!!! I love u guyz...I love my life...I am so back...lets get skinnnyyyy!!!! ITs allmost summer aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!


Thursday, June 10, 2010

self fulfilling prophecy

My 3 day fast is going very well. I am taking my vitamins, (thanks for the helpfull reminders guys!).

Anywho, I think I have just realized something very profound about my self. Its that whole thing having to do with the idea of the self fulfilling prophecy. All this time, in my journey twords "skinny-ness", i've noticed that there's always been a voice in the back of my head that always manged to foil my plans. Like my recent episodes of binging for example. If I think to myself, "Well you might as well eat everything, your never going to be good enough anyway", then that's exactly whats going to happen!

If I say to myself instead: "that as long I restrict and exercise to the best of my ability, everything's going to be okay"-then mabe, just maybe, it might happen as well? hmmm...It makes sense to me..:P Or maybe im talking wubbish cuz this fast is getting to me? lol..

anywhoo, you all have nice lovely days! <3

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Ooooh! Bring it!!

A what better way to renew my promise's to myself than with a 3 day, zero calorie fast???  :). Anything I think should be allowed as long as its zero cal...

It was Kelly's idea.:) We've both been "food whores" as of late...

Im actually exited, think of all the wieght we'll lose! I am so not gona give up, no matter what happens. (A little weary of might become a gigantic binge aftter the fast, but i'll worry about that on saturday, when i get to eat again).

So that's all of wednesday, thursday and friday. No food.


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A fish without water

A fish without water wasi felt like with out this blog. I fucking suck...(Excuse my lannguage please, ut i speak the truth). I here's what happened between my birthday on the 16th of may, and today june 8th....

1.)Cuzns came over and my mom had made a ton of delicouse food, it ws also my birthday, and what does an "ex"-bulimic do, when she's in a heightened state of anxiety, and there's a bunch of food around? Why ofcource she binges her ass off. Ok, thats not even the worst part..

2.) After the b-day i told my parents that i had quit my job at the hotel. (I did, it was much too stressfull)..but soon a got a new jo afterwards (ike 6 days later). So it was all good right? I had a job again, I was restricting again, what could possibly go wrong right? wrong...

3.) Because you see, the new job that I had gotten was all night shifts..(8pm untill 4.30 at night!!!) I am not a nighttime person, I am a morning person!!! I worked there for only a week, untill i coudnt take it anymore. I mean I probably could take it, butthey wanted me to work for 7 days straight, and by this point I just had ad enough. I had my worst ever mental breakdown.

4.) In that breakdown I slammed cabinets and my closet door, and refused to come out of it. I couldnt stop crying for like 4 hrs. I told my self that I was weak, and just didnt deserve to live. My parents are still dissapointed in me. I think I had good reason's to quit both jobs, i wasnt happy in either so what? It's not the end of the world right?

And just, that's what i've kept bottled up inside me this whole time i wasnt blogging. But i ralize now that this is MY blog, and I can write whateve I freagin want..and I just had to get this shit off my chest!! I wanted to end it all the day of my breakdown..:( I had vodka and pills ready to go, but i coludnt do it, i just took the bottle in my hands and kept falling to the floor). I wont ever kill myself, but I've been doing something allmost as bad, in my mind. I've been binging for like a whole week and a day. My stomch's so huge now, and I havent been purging as much, just trying t fast long enough beforei binged again. Pathetic. So pathetic I am.

I came here on this blog, well because, I need to remember again. What it means to be truly happy. How happy I was whn I was losing weight and making money and loving people. I need to find a reason again, I lost control. I've gained so much. And what scares the most is that i didnt even care while binging that I was going to gai wieght.

Im scared now, you guys. I was never the strong older sister, frst child, calm friend, lovely girlfreind. Im just so scared--that I'll stop caring and end up a failure.

Im scared. Im not going to eat for the rest if the day, (I already had a breakfast binge). I am going to exercise. Drink loads of water. Not let my parents words get to me. And accept that i've gained and from now untill june 18th (the day of the reunion), im just going to eat less than 1,000 cals and exercise. (Which might seem like a lot, but trust me, even eating like a normal person at this point, seems so beyond me).

This terrified girl will now leave you lovelys with a quote that i made up...

"broken dreams and a broken heart. And no one to help me pick up the pieces? Learn to walk alone is what I must do…"-raz

but im not alone, i have you guys. and that make me slightly less afraid <3

Thursday, June 3, 2010


Im saying sorry to myself

for the last time.

And im giving up this blog

untill i find my bones again.

Dont worry , it will not be long,

untill i come back, stronger.

No more broken promises

Stay strong everyone, I will still be reading/commenting,, though.. : /

Monday, May 24, 2010

Awards for the Beauty's!!!

Im going to give this award to the bloggers I've followed that I could relate to and/or i've follwed for the longest here i go:

(in no particular order..)

1.)Peri-- I know you're feeling down cause of your kitty, but you gotta stay strong, but you are allready beatifull, (and hilariouse), so here you go! You deserve it!!!

2.) Twigs--, she was the first to give me this award, and i remember i was feeling superdown at the time i got it. I was one of her 1st blogs, and i appreciate that! :)

3.) Sottile--, cause you just never give up, and have such a positive attidtude, while at the same time being so hard working! I dont know how you do it!!! :O

4.) Rain--, also a blogger to me who always knows how to make a crappy situation into a funny, or ironic one. Famously known for attacking food with haispray. Fight on, girl freind!

5.) Barbie Samantha-- my frst follower. I still remembr how much hope we both had that we would someday succeed. She is awesome and made it so far. She's a total rockstar, and im not there yet, but closer than i was yesturday.

6.) Meg (LEak)-- Also a girl who's made it far despite a lot of crap in her life. Amazingly strong, honest and funny.

7.) And last but not least, bree-- who always has awesome thinspo on her other blog shrunken violets, as well as her own blog where she writes.

It was really hard to chose just seven out of like 186 or so, bloggers, so please dont come after me if you didnt get one! x_X

and i'll post 7 things u didnt knw about me tomarow. I gotta make a mix c.d for my dad's b-day, and a cake for my bro's b-day. (So many f-ing birthdays in may!!!!).

but on the plus side i didnt gain as much  as i had thot!
I also forgave the boyfreind, after much begging and a gorgeouse silver ring.:)))) I love him too much to stay mad, and vis versa....

till tommarow love's !!!  

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Le Plan

Breakfast. Okay over.

Now no more food for the rest of the day. Only water. Good' ol water.

Just writing it down here to keep myself accountable :)

I have family get together, reunion type thing on june 19th. I have to get my act together.

I will succeed.

I love you guys. You guys are like the only voice of reasonI hear, in a crazy f-upped world. So thank you for all your comments and support.

Friday, May 21, 2010




Monday, May 17, 2010

F-in b-day

Oddly this year, i didnt care much for my b-day. B-day = food and food = stress, and food+relatives+party= fat and bloated me.

I am really so ashamed. I seem to forget what self control is when the clock strikes 8.00 pm.

So much food and horrible, horrible (okay they werent that bad), but they were picture's and videos nonetheless...:(

Great day otherwise that and Boyfreind forgetting my birthday.

Who does that?

It makes me want to end it. Even if your buzy, you can atleast call, right???

I birthday binged, but I vowed to my self that at 19 I will give up purging for good.

Was standing in the restroom, but i didnt do it.

And Im still alive?


peace* love *skinny

Friday, May 14, 2010


I need to stop stressing. I need to take a deep breath or two. And just relax.

Not doing so, and over thinking, planning and being too hard on myself , results in binging.

I realize this now.

From now on I will do what makes me HAPPY. Wether, its fasting (like what im doing right now, yummm hunger pangs). Or whether its eating normally, exersicing, restricting or calories cycling.

I need to 'go with the flow', feel my emotions and stop trying to be someone im not.

Im going to be 19 in 2 days, and my last year of being a teenager will be a HAPPY and SKINNY one.

Bye bye saddness, binging and doubts. Your 18 years of reigning over me are over!!!

<3 we will never give up

p.s thanks for the award "twig's can fly". Your a doll, and I've meant to pass it on as well,but i just havent gotten around to it... i will though , :D, it really made my day, cause i never got an award b4 on blogger, so it really special!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Sick as a dog..watever that means

Nose running, eye's watering, pressure in my head. I am sick, but I am not going to use this as an excuse.

Treadmill, here I come!...

This guy keeps flirting with me, even though he know's I have a boyfreind. WTF?... And I allmost took his bait, but some people in this world are loyal to their lovers, and I am one of them. Jeez, where is this world heading?

Thanks for helping me out earlier with your comments. In the end I kinda did a combo of A and I tried to fast, but that only lasted untill 4.00, then i cracked, but managed just to eat a tiny amount, cause that's when my fever was starting to split my head open. so cold... hope you guy's are taking care of yourselves, love you guys :)

*** update-just did that 30 min of jogging and 15 mins or so of warm-ups and cool downs. Forgot to mention I bought the book Wasted, and downloaded "Wintergirls". Excited!!! Finally i get to read what all the fuss is about! :)) Also Bought a new Weight Watcher's scale, that I read some of you had bought. It measure's your pounds, body fat percentage and your water %!! It's not that much more accurate than my regular scale actually, and the body fat percentage keeps changing everytime I step on it? weird... ***

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Advice please?

I need you guy's advice...What do you think would be best?

A.) Fast all day in an attempt to "make up" for todays binge...:(( ( This option could end up being either very successfull, or another disgusting fail...)


B.) Just try to eat as little as I can get away with. (energy will be needed at work, but I really hate eating so soon after a binge, so idk...)

Which option do you think would be best? I have to know what you think, Im so lost right now. Im stuck kinda in the middle you know? Half of me wants to go "hard core" ana and be really strict, but the other half of me know's that this is real life and that stuff happens. (and by stuff i mean calories happen, freinds, family etc happen", and idk, im having a really hard time just balancing everything out.

It's really driving me crazy.

Thanks guys 4 ur comments and your help.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

A mess of Raz's thoughts

If your wondering who Raz is, that's me. ( sorry not that creativly

> sliced me wrist. Like some sort of emo person, (that im not, (?)). Really dont know where that came from. But im not doing it again anytime soon, summer's one month away, and i love my t-shirts, ya know...

> Not spoken to the boyfreind. I want him to take the initiative and make plan's and stuff first. It's always me, and idk, am i dumb, but I feel like I love him more than he loves me, and idk, I hate feeling this vulnerable. So far he's only called twice in like 2 weeks. : / He says he buzy with his exams.--- I am one obbsessive, sorry for boring you...back to the main issue

> Not binged too badly, despite monthly gifts typical cravings, (until tonight, cookies, and i dont want to talk about it.)

> Purged. The mentioned cookies. My eyeballs hurt still, from the pressure, because i had them on an empty stomach, wasnt a whole lot, but stlill calorie dense, so they had to go.

>Poured dish soap on homemade granola bars, so that I woudnt eat them. Haha, it worked...:)

> Mom brug 2% milk, down the drain it went, when she wasnt looking..i hate waisting food, i really do, but it sure beats anwering people's questions. And she had brung it in so lovingly, (after the purge). I think she's trying to fatten me up... hmmm

> im sleepy, but work is gonna suck big time tomarow. (sunday's are our buziest days). Guy's cross your fingers, I get to go home at a decent time...argghhh...stress induced cortisol stomach is the WORST ...

> Good night lovely's...:) And Happy MAY! ..l8er

Monday, April 26, 2010

Day off...

Tis my day off, and im just takin it eaaaaassyyy. No workouts, no nothing. (And as less to eat as I can get away with..) That is the plan. It's 3.50ish in the afternoon here, and if I make it through 9pm without binging, I will be one happy girl (fingers crossed)...

There is pizza and indian food in the house though. :/ I picked up one of those garlic "naan" thingy's not an hour earlier, but then I thought of you guys, AND PUT IT DOWN!!!! :O

yes i did. :)

I am posting sort of loopy... maybe it's the lack of food.

Yup, Im trying out the age old trick of changing up my calories every few days or so , to keep my metabolism guessing. So basically, when I work and or workout, I eat more, but when Im at home doing nothing I eat close to nothing..(like today). I think this just might work.

But with me I find that, when I start to notice weight loss, I take it for granted and ALLWAYS screw it up. .. ah well, tis life..

@ Peri, (if your reading this, your comment cracked me up so much i allmost shot water on the keyboard!!!)... :DDD good times..

Later 4 now loveleys!!!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Lazy, but still losing...

Well, as usual I've been super buzy with work. I swear, I havent even had time to properly sleep, let alone blog. And omg, my arms and legs are so sore from working out. :DD

I am also now sitting at around 136-137 pounds :(. This means im losing, but it's soooo slow. It could possibly be a bit of muscle trying to grow? possibly? What do you guys think? Would you rather be some-what muscular and weigh a few extra pounds (because of the muscle, Or just "fattyy-skinny", as in you weigh less, cause your body composition is mostly of fat?

Or does any of what I just typed up there make any sense to you all? Forgive me, I is very tired..x_X

Can I just say that you all are so fabulouse? You are, because I said so...:)

Oh oh oh, and I just remembered an incident just now, that occured near the end of my last period. What had happened was, I had just come bak from work tired and bloated (worst combo), and my mum and me were just heading into to the grocery store to pick up a few things, when all of a sudden, she goes: "have you gotten fat? look at your stomach! Its hanging out!" (she also patted my belly in the grocery store parking lot--: /). My dad who was also there then go's: "dont pick on her, remember what happened last time?"

Oh and another "incedent". I was running ,running along on the treadmill minding my own bussiness, when my parents come into the living to watch t.v. After a while, I guess my stupid mother asks me how i weigh. I say 140, (more or less, thats how much it was a few weeks ago since I last blogged). She then yells: "140??!! how did you become 140? Your even exersicing more? .. And my dad (bless, say's :"thats fine, thats how much she shud keep it at." (mind you she's fatter then me, slightly at 124-125 ish pounds, and only 5'0")..

All the meanwhiles, both these incidents, just make me so angry. At first it hurt. But now I... I don't now how to put this feeling. I want revenge.(For a lot of stuff, weight is just one of the things..) Yes, thats what I want..

Revenge. Nothing taste's better, am i right?

Stay lovely everyone!, sorry for the long post..:)))

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Pointless Morning update

Those twixes must have revved up my metalism or somethin?

Hahahahahahahaha.... 137.6 . How did that happen?


Friday, April 2, 2010

Past few days

Hmm, not in the mood for structured writing so Im just gonna make a list of all the good and bad things that happened to me these past few days.... ( er- Green = good and Red = bad )

Lets start with the bad, shall we?
1.) ummm, this morning before work idk what came over me, and binged on those fun size twixes. I hate addmitting this. My excuse was that it was still morning. (i friggin ate them with my allready planned out breakfast!!! WTF??? ) And that I'd have all day to burn it off....
2.) There's no more negative cal oods at our house. I was just looking around for lettuce and carrots or somethin... *le sigh
3.) Work sucks...
4.) Still 139.0 the point zero is in green, because atleast its not 139.9 !
5.) Not been getting enough zzzzz's
6.) Boyfreind went off to ohio........................................................... :'''(
must get skinnier b4 he get back, yes???!!!!

The Bueno:
1.) Im too lazy to make a proper ana bracelet, but i think i got something better. Because you see, I got this hair band scrunci type thing, (its the perfect shade of ana red), and it really is perfect because its a lot more helpful. How, you may ask? Well, today after my workout, my wrist had gone all veiny, and the "bracelet" had sort made an indentation into my skin. It hurt a little, but wow. It felt sort of symbolic, i dunn know. Maybe im just a tad kooko rite now..:P
2.) I love my boyfreind. He is my ultimate thinspo.
3.) I can see my hipbones a little more now.
4.) I feel so much more better about my self when im loosing, and restricting. Life is better telllin U!!!!!!
5.) I threw on my usual black "skinny-ish" pants without having to worry about if my thighs looked fat.
6.) Sister's so into studying and eating, she's begining to look a little pudgy.. (im tired of being the fat one, can u blame me???)
7.) Avoided loads of food at the hotel and at home, ( excluding the twixes...atleast they were funsize?)
139 going on 138... uuurgh im so FATTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

Wow, i have so many followers..Thanks for reading and commenting. It feels really nice when you take time out of your important lives to listen to my ramblings...gosh... <3

we only have one life. I dont want to live mine as a fatty.

No sirree bob.

Sunday, March 28, 2010


Omygosh, thank you all or your comments and support on my last post. I really appreciate it.

And the good news is: Im still 139!... :D...not bad.

And today, Im totally gonna avoid the cheesy garlic bread and fatass Nachos my mom is now making. :)

That's what happens when my mother gets her hands on some cheap 5 POUND block of cheese!!! Im seriouse, this thing is huge!!! I wanted to take a picure of it to show you guys, just how huge it is, but it' allready halfway Oh and the humungo bag of tortilla chips, thats as big a body bag... omfg

No. No junk for me today. (or ever, if i can help it).

Im not gonna waste this day off work worying and stressing like i did yesturday. No sirree bob.. :>

Again, thanks you guys.. and remember:

"There will be beauty from pain"

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Who do i tell?

Who else can i tell.. *please excuse my language...>.<

when i break my own promise's and eat the damned pizza..(only the toppings..but still...shame ;(
when i start to eat more and more and more. Telling myself with each new thing i reach for, that "this is the last thing, this is the last thing"
when the last thing becomes more like, might as well f- it. (mia's voice...she likes to visit every two weeks or so, right when I start to make any really progress...bitch. Her and me... )
when i got bits of food logded in my throught and nose, from purging...disgusting.
when i drink gallon or two of water to ward off the light headedness and dehdration.
when aftewards i get on the treadmill for about 80.00 mins?
when i still dont think thats gud enough, and want to pretend this day never happened
when im glad i saved the laxies for days like this.

I can only tell you guys.

***Lesson learned: Dont become over confident, weight is lost thru EATING LESS. Not making excuses (!) ***

I know I'll be okay. But had to get that off my chest. And if you actually read all that..well give urself a pat a on the

gud nite everyone..and hopefully a much better tomarow... :)

She's going down.. weight that is. 139.2

:) slow and steady. Mom made the most fatty and disgustingly delicouse looking pizza.

This means nothing but fruit,veggies and hot water for the rest of the day. And lots of cardio.

"I want my hipbones to be as sharp as my mind."

Friday, March 26, 2010

ewww bloat is the worst...

I am sooo bloated, its gross. I feel groggy. Eating tho, has been going really well. Last night when I weighed myself I was still 142.0, (I know ew grosss right??). But usually I can lose like 2.5 pounds or so over night, so I was hoping to finally see 139.8 or something, and I didnt, but thats okay, i guess.

I did everything according to plan, I didnt eat anything, after coming ack from work, and I even walked an extra 100 cals off. So I'm not too worried.

I think my problem is that, at the beggining of this blog even, all the wieght that I suddenly lost was mostly water weight. And now, is where my body fights back, and every pound isbeing so stubborn. Im at my body's set point...

Gosh, will I ever be thin? I wanna go back to when I once was--(allmost good enough).

Think thin ladies and gentle men ;)...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

This is normal right?

Im too lazy to summarize the past two weeks or so, but all Im gonna say is that I tried my best and actually lost a pound! :P Buuut, now its that of month again, and I f-ing gained t back!!!

Im panicking.... This is supposed to happen right? It's just water weight :( ?

Thats it, no more dinner for me..

Not counting calories helped me lose that stuborn pound And going to sleep, instead of eating dinner..

Oh, yeah and me and the boy are back on... lol,, after all that.. i suck.

But seriously what other thinspiration could I possibly need, then skinny ass boyfreind, who could dump me a second for other prettier, (thinner) girls? :(....

Oh and welcome back spring... gotta get rid of this fat first

I am fat fat fat... No not normal..Fat Fat Fat..

le sigh***

you lovely's have a nice day ...!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

GOoooo Morning!!!

Good morning, to everyone in the bloggy type world, (well its morning here anyway, ridiculously early btw, omg I've just discovered i am a morning person! I think its because, I love the feeling of being the only one awake in the whole house). No matter how tired I was the previouse night, I cannot give up these few hours hours of lonely darkness, where I plan for the perfect day... These plans include:
Weighing my self, literally planning out and writing down my intake, deciding over jogging outside or treadmill, reading your blogs before i leave for work!

Plan for today:
1.) Eat what you've written down! (nothing more, nothing less, you fat pig!!!, you can do this much at least CANT YOU??????!!!!! GRRRR!
2.) work out. as hard as you can for atleast 90 min. No excuses.
3.) dont forget vitamins
4.) hit the sack early and stay there, so as to avoid night time eating and morning weight gain ...:( (my down fall as of late)
5.) there's no such thing as purging, there's no such thing as purging  there's no such thing as purging...
6.)  Stay Happy happy positive positve :)

Hope you all have a beautifull day, afternoon or morning...:)
Dont give up...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A come back post! :D

Jeez, i've been off this thing for awhile! Well, not really, i've been reading all your blogs religously, just not posting my own stuff, becuase man have I been buuuuuuuuuuzzzzzzyyy!

First of all, your's truly is no longer unemployed!!! Whoo hooo! I found work at a really nice hotel, as their front desk agent. Yes, 8 hours a day I stand there and take reservations.. (party-- not).

Well it's all actually been okay, but my weight is not budging. Like at all. Noow I'm starting to wonder if it'll EVER???!!!

The reason behind this post was to try and talk to people who know Im talking about. We binge, we purge, we starve and do all sorts of crazy things, all for one purpose. To achieve what we all imagine is perfection for ourselves. You guys know what I'm talking about, and so I'm sure that you guys understand how even how sometomes you try SO HARD, its never good enough?

I've stayed an even 141, through all of this bull shit. (My hectic work schedule,super duper strict- old fashioned parents, breaking and making up breaking making up w/ bf, binging purging starving and EVERY LITTLE THING ELSE...)

I've had it. I'll just have to maybe put some things on the back burner. Because I dont think I'll ever be truly happy unless im thin.

Finally a new post, finally a new me.
No regrets, no looking back, tomarow is a new ready to fight fight fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay,,bye 4 now...;)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Im trying to make him stop having feelings for me. I think it's working. (Yay?) :/. Thanks for making me feel better about my guys are the best.:)

Day 6 or so of not purging. My weights gone down, (i wiegh every morning, cant really stick to the once in a week No desire at all to purge. Feels amazing. And if I do binge, I'll just think its a good thing, might help the metabolizm...:) ,better than start the horrific, b/p, b/p, b/p cyle. And remind myself that I will be hungry again, soon enough, and weight losing can and will commence, so as to not have a mind freak out over it.

I read a lot of your blogs, i love them, and I follow a lot of them too, (thats why i have so many followers, 123? :O?!?!?!?! waaaaaaah??? heheheh, thank you guys.

I think I actually might do this. Lose wieght quickly, I mean. Becuase, I'm planning to get an emo style haircut, with red highlights, and I dont wanna look like a (p.s im not really an emo), for my birthday in May... oooh i cant wait!!!! (Picture of i'll look like, on the side).

My drug test for the new job is today, ofcourse Im not worried, im not into that stuff..:)

Im finding myself wary of emotions lately. I want to detach myself, emotionally from people. Maybe become a little more selfish. Have fun in life.
We only live once.
Be fabulouse
Be sexy
Be thinspiraional! :DDD...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Feb 2nd

Febuary 2nd was my weigh-in day. It was also my boyfreinds birthday,and the day that I got a called for a job interview.

Weigh-in= gained .6 ounces...:(
Job interview= sucessful, I'm starting sometime this week! :D
Boyfreind= ?, because i told him i want to be just freinds now. I told him Happy Birthday, oh by the way, lets be buddies from now on, i still love you as a freind.

Because you see the thing is, we have 2 situations here.
1.) We are of two competely different religions, and my parents would never approve of us dating (or marriage, he's even thought that far, and this scared me!) and..
2.) I am too fat.

This is why I havent been posting. I dont know what to. I feel like a jerk face for having led him on, but at the same time why did we keep loving each other, when we knew we couldnt be together in the end?

I could cry, but I dont know what for. I told him the truth. He just doesnt get it. The world is a cruel place, that wont let us be together. Food is an evil thing, and it's always on my mind, (how to avoid it, get thinner thinner, etc..)

He just doesnt get it.
Whats so wrong with bieng just freinds?
Nothing, thats what...urrgghh, fuck him.. im gonna take some more laxatives, exercise, be hot and get rich from my new job, and he can just decide, it's freindship or nothing, because the only thing i love is me ="thin".

Peace out...

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Mind over body, Mind over body, Mind over the FREAKING BODY!!!!

I love you guys! :D  Thnks for all of your supportive comments, they really do help!

Drinking that black coffee as usual, but crying this time through sips. It's one thing to be really over-wieght and then lose it quickly, be happy with your self, yadda yadda yadda, all that good stuff.

But its quiet another when your like me. Near anorexic one moment, then pinging, then losing, and now stagnating. I undrstand why people cut themselves now. It didnt make sense before, but now it does.

No more stagnating. Im sick of stagnating, seeing these same numbers day after day!!!

Right now I am exhuasted. Woke up this morning b/ped, because i thought "hey, i could just burn it off through out the day". So that's the plan. Damage control day today, ***lots*** of exercise, cleansing etc. Water water water. No more b/p-ing!!! I promise you all !

Then under 1,000 calorie days untill the 2nd of Feburary, (weigh-in day).
Wish me luck, :

Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat,the luckier u get! ;)

Friday, January 15, 2010

Hey, im back :)

Today I fasted. I dont remember it being this hard! Maybe it's because along with not eating all day, I killed my self at the gym. Going to pass out on the pillow now, but before I do..

This one day fast will hopefully break my recent binge-purge cycle, before it gets to seriouse, you know what I mean?

And also Im having irregular periods. Like it'll come for 2 days. Leave for one then come back for 2 or more days. Web MD claims this can occur due to bulimia, overexercise and stress. Check, check and

I hate how my little sister can eat so much and not gain any wieght. And here I am, struggling so much.

I have absolutly hated these past 2 weeks or so, of control-less eating. I'm obviously bulimic, because I restrict my diet. And not dieting is the only way to stop the binge purge cycle, (or so I've read).

But you know what? I guess I dont remember how to eat anymore. I cant be normal and do that, "just stop eating when your full, eat only when your hungry" jazz. I dont know how to eat, with out counting every single calorie, stressing, measuring, etc, etc.

You bloggers out there understand this, I'm sure. All we want is perfection. Is it too much to ask?
Bye for now, and remember YOU ARE STRONGER THAN FOOD!!!!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Back on Track!

It took awhile and a horrible binge fest of a holiday season, but I am now back on track and I know that this time, binging and purging is so nooot worth it. Im gonna give it my all. Urrrrggghhh, i hate living my parents. They buy all the food, and its so frustrating, cause they all eat so freaking much..

Oh well, my new personal motto is: "rise against". Ie, I should try to rise against temptation, cravings, fattening food, family freinds who "care", and against mia. All those things and more. I will rise against. And rise gorgeouse and thin. I will never give up. I will accept the occasional bump, but i will never give up on this.

Hope you all are doing well.

My new (pretty reasonable goals):

January: 138
Feb: -4 pounds so 134
march: -5 pounds so 129
april: 124
may: 120-125== 1st goal reached in time for my birthday :D
august: 100 perfect-(ish), maybe more we'll see..

Monday, January 4, 2010

What happens when you run out tears?

Didnt post for awhile because family from canada decided to come over and ruin my perfectly executed plans to fast on new years eve eve..:(

Ended up eating more than I would have liked.

Was so depressed after they left.

Binged and purged.

Up untill 2.30 in the morning trying to undue the damage.

Yes, I realized that I was undoing all of my hard work while I sat there and gorged...

Because you see, I decided not to kill myself last night, and in return this bing attack was my brains way of "rewarding" myself for this (?)

Allmost choked and suffocated on my own vomit. Scary stuff.

But todays a new day. Another chance.

Whatever it takes to get there...xxoo