Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Not Recovery, just trying to figure it out.

Well, the title pretty much says it all. I hadnt posted for awhile becuase I was out of town, in Canada to be specific. A party, drinking, binging,dancing, late nights, passing out etc etc.. (need I say more? lol). But it was super fun and Im not going to dwell on any past failure's from now on, you know.

First of all I just wanna give all you lovely people one big cyber-hug! Your comments really made me smile. So supportive :D. But I kinda wanna explan myself a little....

 Recovery, is what I want eventually, someday. But I dont think I'm actually strong enough for that. I mean I guess by my last post I meant more along the lines of, "I gotta stop binging like a fatass, I'll never be thin". And more like I just gotta stop binging in response to every single f-ing problem life throws at me, you know? Food is not the answer. I wanted to recover from not only b/ping, but this sick addiction to food, i seemed to be developing.

My dream is still to be beautifully thin. Im not gonna give up on that. Ever. I'm just going take it as it comes. Right now I'm keeping it under 1300 calories a day, and lowering that as I lose. I plan on fasting, calorie cycling and so forth in the future.

I hope I make a little more sense now. You know how chaotic, this weight/food obsessed little world can get. I honeslty super-duper admire all of you have made the choice to get out of this world. But, it's just that, I can only relate too much to side of me that still dreams of perfection.

Maybe I'm just too far in. But it's ok, cause it's all I've ever known.

lots of lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee!!!!!! <3


  1. You are never too far in to try recovery, heck this is my 5th attempt at recovery and every time I get stronger, and my relapses get shorter. For me it starts with where you are now, knowing that one day you want to recover. At the moment I am coming out of the "striving for perfection" mindset. I've realised how it's NEVER going to happen, if you do ever reach your goal weights, they never feel enough, and as my friends so eloquently put it "at your lowest weight you looked kinda gross...tired, pale, depressed."

    This isn't meant to sound preachy, just that I know how you feel, and have been in that place :)

  2. Ahh that makes sense now :)
    Youre plan sounds good lovely :)

  3. *sigh*
    I just want to provide support and love, but I just can't do it.

    I don't want to support this life for anyone even though I am not strong enough to recovery either.

    We're wasting our time.
    But event though we kind of know that, we keep wasting it.

    I hope you stop bingeing. I know you can do this because I had the same exact problemo and I've worked real hard to keep it undercontrol. At first I would binge 7 days a week, then 5, then 3, and now only 1! So just keep it up, and I know you can solve that problem.

    NO PURGING. Iknow why its hard not to but Im glad your actually trying to stop that.

    Vanilla Finnegan

  4. I'm with you. I'm currently at 1800cal/day until I sort my crap out. Lol, it's fucking high but I'll lose a tiny bit and get all my fiber and other sundries I've been terminally low on >.<

    Count your binge-free days, and hold them as a talisman against hiccups/bumps in the road.

    <3 Love you, glad to see you back from your trip. I hope you had a blast in the north!!

  5. I could not imagine giving this way of living up, either. Someday, hopefully, I can have a couple cookies without freaking out, or go out to dinner on a whim and not need a good hour to peruse the online menu and figure out the calorie counts of everything to make my decision about what I will get. But for now, I will keep this life. This is my security. Without it, I don't think I would know who I am. So I totally understand where you are coming from, and I completely support you :) We're in this together, girl. xoxo

  6. Girl, it seems like you've written everything i've got in my mind. I was talking to a friend tonight after being totally drunk and he told me "please, just eat even if you don't want toé and i answered that i can't eat, i can't recover because recovering means gainig weight, and i can't gaining weight if i'm still a fatass. I'm not ill enough, not skinny enough to do that. Right now i've lost my routine, some friends and the only thing i can do is giving up to Ana, coming back to the anorexic teen i use to be because, like Sottile said, it's my security.