Thursday, June 17, 2010

Broken Girl

I must be broken, there's no other explaination,
send me back to where i came from
i eat everyone's food, then go looking for more
Because i like to feel the pain,
I like the self-harm and torture
I think I deserve it.

Food will no longer be my drug of choice.

I've had enough of this, binging, purging, restrictig. Im done.

I found a great webcite recently, on it, were recoverer's of bulimia. They talked about how they werent always bulimics, they restrcited (were anorexics before), mia took them.

Im going to try something they call structured eating. You eat 3 well balanced meals and 1 or two snacks, and exercise a healthy amount. In other words--I want to (gasp) recover. Today I heard my own brother say, while trying on a three-piece tuxedo that "he'd lose weight", in order to keep fitting into it. After my mom had told him he's going to get larger as he grows. Coming from my brother, this really disturbed me. I want to be a good role model to them. Im older than them. I'm want to have kids someday, I dont want them to go thru anything close to what Im going thru, (im tearing up as i write this :P) My boyfreind looks at me somedays, and doesnt know what to do. He just distances himself, but never forgets to tell me that he loves me. My parents look at me and wonder where their smart, feisty chubby little girl went.

She broke.

I'll do this. Because I dont want to be a broken girl for the rest of my life. The high I used to get from starving myself, seems like it was so long ago. So why am I still grasping at nothing, trying to find it again? I know I might even lose some followers because of this decision of mine. Im not going anti ana or mia either. I'm still that weight/food obsessed chick i always was, but today and from now on, I hope to fix myself.

The sun hasnt even come up, where I live. It usually does by this time of year.

love, raz <3


  1. I'm so proud of you.
    It's going to be tough, but you can do it.

    Don't worry about losing followers, I for one am not going anywhere.
    You are amazing, never forget that. And you're especially amazing for undertaking such a huge task.

    The smart little girl your parents once knew didn't break, she just got lost. And now it's time to find her again.

    Please don't stop writing. You write so beautifully.
    Good luck.
    I have faith in you.
    Xx. Lillie

  2. Its a good decision, we'll all support you no matter what you choose to do darling :)

    Be careful with reading our blogs though kay?
    They could be triggering :P

  3. That sounds like a really good. idea. Structured meals and set amounts of exercise with rest days.

    You are a fucking AWESOME role model! Recovery is a bitch, it is hard, but you can do it if you really want to.

    In anything an everything I am here behind you to catch you if you fall, or if you just need someone to rant at when it hurts.

    We will be glue to help you while you try to find the pieces <3


  4. I don't know what to say really - I'm speechless. I seem to be hearing those words from my younger sister's mouth too.

  5. You are very brave to make that decision.
    I will for sure continue to read your blog.
    Good luck with everything!

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  7. Welcome to the journey of recovery. I am doing so as well =)

    Good luck!!

    Feel free to follow my blog :)

  8. I completely support your recovery. I think it's possible to be healthy and a desirable weight. You can do this!

  9. I love this!
    this is beautiful.
    This is pure.
    This is delicious.

    And I will continue to be inspired by you.
    You are strong.
    And you can beat this.

    Vanilla Finnegan

  10. I so relate to your post. I'm not Mia but I'm trying to be Ana because of the first few lines of your poem. I eat and eat and eat. It's my disease.

    I wish you the deepest, heartfelt best with your recovery. The bottom line is that you deserve happiness and wholeness. I hope you find it. I hope you can learn to love yourself like you love your family.