A fish without water

A fish without water wasi felt like with out this blog. I fucking suck...(Excuse my lannguage please, ut i speak the truth). I here's what happened between my birthday on the 16th of may, and today june 8th....

1.)Cuzns came over and my mom had made a ton of delicouse food, it ws also my birthday, and what does an "ex"-bulimic do, when she's in a heightened state of anxiety, and there's a bunch of food around? Why ofcource she binges her ass off. Ok, thats not even the worst part..

2.) After the b-day i told my parents that i had quit my job at the hotel. (I did, it was much too stressfull)..but soon a got a new jo afterwards (ike 6 days later). So it was all good right? I had a job again, I was restricting again, what could possibly go wrong right? wrong...

3.) Because you see, the new job that I had gotten was all night shifts..(8pm untill 4.30 at night!!!) I am not a nighttime person, I am a morning person!!! I worked there for only a week, untill i coudnt take it anymore. I mean I probably could take it, butthey wanted me to work for 7 days straight, and by this point I just had ad enough. I had my worst ever mental breakdown.

4.) In that breakdown I slammed cabinets and my closet door, and refused to come out of it. I couldnt stop crying for like 4 hrs. I told my self that I was weak, and just didnt deserve to live. My parents are still dissapointed in me. I think I had good reason's to quit both jobs, i wasnt happy in either so what? It's not the end of the world right?

And just, that's what i've kept bottled up inside me this whole time i wasnt blogging. But i ralize now that this is MY blog, and I can write whateve I freagin want..and I just had to get this shit off my chest!! I wanted to end it all the day of my breakdown..:( I had vodka and pills ready to go, but i coludnt do it, i just took the bottle in my hands and kept falling to the floor). I wont ever kill myself, but I've been doing something allmost as bad, in my mind. I've been binging for like a whole week and a day. My stomch's so huge now, and I havent been purging as much, just trying t fast long enough beforei binged again. Pathetic. So pathetic I am.

I came here on this blog, well because, I need to remember again. What it means to be truly happy. How happy I was whn I was losing weight and making money and loving people. I need to find a reason again, I lost control. I've gained so much. And what scares the most is that i didnt even care while binging that I was going to gai wieght.

Im scared now, you guys. I was never the strong older sister, frst child, calm friend, lovely girlfreind. Im just so scared--that I'll stop caring and end up a failure.

Im scared. Im not going to eat for the rest if the day, (I already had a breakfast binge). I am going to exercise. Drink loads of water. Not let my parents words get to me. And accept that i've gained and from now untill june 18th (the day of the reunion), im just going to eat less than 1,000 cals and exercise. (Which might seem like a lot, but trust me, even eating like a normal person at this point, seems so beyond me).

This terrified girl will now leave you lovelys with a quote that i made up...

"broken dreams and a broken heart. And no one to help me pick up the pieces? Learn to walk alone is what I must do…"-raz

but im not alone, i have you guys. and that make me slightly less afraid <3