Wednesday, December 2, 2009

She got so good at pretending, she almost fooled herself...

Hey, guys! I'm back, and the scale reads 136.0... =) Still loosing this means. It's so weird how just the day before I was wondering if I would be able to get down to 135 before saturday, (because according to Losertown, a webcite I came across that I will post a link a to, I should be that much by saturday).

In other news, went to a job interview, and I had to pick 2 cards that had questions on them and answer them, in front of not only my interviewees, but also about 8 strangers. The first question went fine. But while answering the second one, I dont know what happened to me. I seriously dont. I completelyze froze on the spot, and even considered throwing the damn card on the employers table and running from the room. Intstead, I think I just rambled through it and mumbled: "uuummm yeah, that's it..." Stage fright? maybe. Nervouse breakdown? possibly. But looking back, I think it happened more because subconcously, (sorry cant, I've already given up. I had already admitted defeat.

And so, woke up crying at 4 am. Just woke up, and listened to mom going on about how my luck is just horrible these days, i dont pray enough, and bragging to my dad about how good HER JOB is. Its not even about my employment problems, just the general mediocrity of my life.

The general shittyness, the pain, the humiliation, the always dealing and helping other people out, while never having had anyone who understands me. Even my own boyfreind, who i love more than my life, doesnt like emotional displays of affection from me, and so I try not to around him. I'm the one who lifted him off the ground, when he was down. I'm the one that had to listen to his crying over the phone and stop him from doing anything that he would have later regretted.

He has me, but I never had anyone, self-less too the point of stupidity and depression. I'm sick of putting on the front that I'm as strong as you think I am. Parents bought it, they had high hopes for me. Siblings bought it, they looked up to me. Putting others before me, and now I've got no where to go, I have no identity. All I have is this, my disorder....

Sorry for rambling so much, I just had to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading, if your not already half-way asleep yet... >.<

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!!!!


  1. I know how you feel. I'm always the shoulder, and never the one crying. I rarely ever reach out to my friends or family when something's bothering me. And in the off-chance I do, they completely ignore it, as if it's impossible for me to be anythig but strong. But, solving your own problems will only make you stronger, and when you need a shoulder, your blog's here to rant.
    Good luck with the job :)
    If you get really down, try painting or writing or cutting up some old clothes - it always helps me!

  2. And by cutting up old old clothes, I mean making them into something new you can wear and not just cutting them up lol.

  3. i was always the family counselor from a young age. isnt it strange that you can take time out of your day for other people when they are having a hard time yet when the shoe is on the other foot and your hurting no one can spare one minute? and it seems like no one really feels any emotion when you talk about your problems and yet, when they whine over stupid things you always know how to act and what to say. at least thats my experience. makes me wonder if there are any people who truly care anymore, once youve been the shoulder to cry on and not the one with her guard down.
    stay strong
    we are all here for you.


  4. I start writing a blog about my life with my eating disorder and my addiction to fashion.
    I really need readers, because in my real life I had no listeners. Alone, yes I
    was always alone with my thoughts, in those days I didn't care about it. Untill I discovered the blogs and learnt how good it can feel to have readers. Readers, which share the same intress and have the same feelings after a shitty snack attack.

    Plz, visit me: