Friday, November 13, 2009

when all else is falling apart...

We all know that our disordered ways are based on our needs for complete and utter CONTROL. This could not be more true for me... It doesnt feel as if anyone, (ecxept you guys, ur awesome like that), really cares about me. It feels like I am a puppet, and the strings are no longer in my hands. This control i have over my food, is my own. My own little string...

Ahhhhhhh...I hope it will never snap, but get only stronger.. no matter what anyone does to break it as well.
Does that make sense? Anyway, it did in my head..

So anywhoo, past few days have been really good, calorie-wise, all under 600-700 cal days, plus just enough exercise, not overoad mode, which tends to make me want to eat more.

I caught a glimpse of myself in a stores video security camera t.v thingy.... My face didnt look too bad, but then i backed up a few steps, and noticed how big i looked in my layered winter clothing, and stupid black jeans, that arent really jeans, but stretchy shit, because im such a fatass...

B.M.I-wise im normal. I am average. But as we all know, this disease is often called the "perfectionists disease". And no, thank you average or normal is not good enough for me... I will not stop, untill I see perfection... Thank you for all who commented, and helped me to realize this...

Hope you are all doing well, Stay Strong xxoo!


  1. I completely agree with you - it's all about control.. I had a lecture at University on ED's recently and the lecturer said that she thought the term 'eating disorder' was ridiculous. She said it should be called a 'control disorder' - and that it just happens to manifest itself in controlling food, but it could be anything!

    Mine started out of control as I felt that my strict father controlled my whole life (which at the time, when I was 16, he did).. and now I feel like life is difficult and out of control with Uni exams, and being married can be very hard at times, and I need control once again!

    Sounds like ur doing really well calorie wise and good on you for exercising, I'm such a lazy fat ass I need to exercise more!

    My BMI is also 'normal' at the moment which I hate, it's never good enough!

    Take care xxxxxxx

  2. You're right, it is about control. I love the puppet thing, that's just how I feel.

    Stay strong!