Not Giving up this easily!!

Hello my my fellow ana and mia and also ednos (?) sisters!!! Writing on this blog is like a huge exhale... compared to the crap i've been dealing with at home.. so much so that i fell asleep crying one night and even (yes i know, it WONT happen again!) , tryed to suffocate myself with a grocery bag.. how sad am i? Really sad.. and i dont wont any of you strong women to get depressed or anything but the thought that kept repeatedly going through my head was: "you probably ask me why i want to die, i ask you-what is there to live for?'... wat is there to look forword to? ecxept the ordinary, ecxept the teasing, taunts, arguments.. the good things seem so limited now.. This, (meaning my secret world of calorie counting, purging, over-exercising, and blogging), for right now is where i find myself turning to.

I just wish there was some place you know? To escape.. With out having having to live, with out having to die.. just some place.. (and please dont suggest drugs =)haha.. I guess for now, that someplace else is right here. In this diary-like blog right here, right now..

Good news though! I am now 144! Havn't seen that number in a long time!!!! Whoo! We makin' SOME progress!!!! ********** Best of luck and lots of love to everyone! =)************

PMS-Y

UUURGH! i guess you cud say i've been a little off b/c its that time of month again. During this time, i dont even bother wieghing my self untill its over... And i think it pretty much can blow it self over and away without causing any damage... I actually heard somewhere that bieng on ur period actually makes ur body naturally have to burn more calories. This makes sense because, that must be why super ana girls stop getting their periods, b/c their bodies just cant afford to spend the extra calories keeping thier reproductive system going... hmm?...

But still. I am scared of the scale. It controls me. Also this stupid bloaty feeling! UUURGH! hehe my post today began and ended with the same statements...

Do u guys also freak out when this happens? Do u take the scale seriously during that time of month? hope u guys r doing well! i really do! :)

So Right!!!

U girls r so rite! That will be my new mantra: "food will make u happy 4 only a few moments, but being skinny will make u happy 4 ever!" I think this is an amazing quote!!! Thanks guys! :)

I am freagin .2 ounces away from 144! Crap!!! Y doesnt that .2 just go away???!! I must exercise, and restrict MORE!!! oh, well slow and steady wins the race i guess.. in other news my mother wieghed her self and she had gained.. hahahahahaa! I really dislike my mother.. When i used to be really fat, she always used to tease me a lot, then i remember a time, when my parents actually took away my scale and fought with me because they thot that other people would think they dont feed me or something!!! Like, WTF do u people want??!! But im not gonna play the blame game and say it's their fault im now (uurgh!!!), normal, im just get thinner and thinner and there wont be anything left to say anymore... Wow i just realized that a big reason im doing this is to get back at my stupid parents... wow, can anyone say issues?...

If at first u dont succeed...

Is now my attitude towards this journey. A big thanks to Sam for just putting a big smile on my face thanks to her comment! :) It coudn't have come at a better time, there's freagin 3 pizza's at our house, for a family of 5! Like jeez, wtf?!! My dad waz like "so, wat do you want on it?" And i looked at him like "really?", Pizza's my favorite food, thats y i avoid it like crazy!! I just think to myself, "smell, toach, look and admire, but dont eat!!!". So yeah, watever, food just turns into crap anyways, i dont need it! Gross, in know im sorry!

Anywhoo, im such a huge hypocrite! I waz like "dont purge" in my last post, and guess what i did? I purged... Shame on me, i know. It's usually very rare though, and i seem to only want to do it when im really stressed out or angry/frustrated and such. Most days, you'll find me restricting like a good ana! :)

Just a curiouse question BTW: how much wud u say is your average weight loss per week?, mine is a pitifull one pound per week :( .. oh well, at least it's something and not gaining!)

I fantasize...

I've been fanstasizing a lot recently. About obviouse things like being skinny,and not so obviouse things like: running away 4rm home or just plain running away 4rm life. How can such a positive person like me, have such horrible thoughts like these? I dont know... Well thats where the control factor comes in.. when u cant seem to control ur life anymore, all u have left is control over your self/what u consum, etc. I used to be really fat, once upon a time, then skinny, now im just...???? in the middle, lost...

Fantasizing yet agian, wishing things were different...

Crap...

Why is it that after u exercise, u feel so freagin hungry??? I've also noticed since i've started restricting agian, that my skin is so much paler.

Any whoo, a funny thing happend the other day, im currently looking 4 a job, and during my interview, the supervisor was like looking at me and she kept repeating, "you realize you'll b doing a lot of heavy lifting?". She asked me this like 5 times, with a wierd luk on her face. Truth b told, it waz probably because i looked so out of place there. Everyone else waz like short, squat (and generally big, muscular and fat). And wen i went out people were like "she got hired?!" Its cul that i probably did, but its so not 4 me. I felt like a freakin runway model compared to those people! lol..

Oh, and by the way, a little advice 4rm someone who just got over this: Dont even think about purging/bulimia! It might work 4 like a month, but then it'll creep up on u in the form of pounds, so just BeWaRe!!!...

Wish me luck . I'm rooting 4 u! Stay strong and u'll get there! :)

Starting out? Not really..

Well, hello there everyone! My "names" Raz, and im new to the bloging scence, but not to the E.D scene unfortunatly (or fortunatly if u like to see it that way)... i've always read u girls' blogs, and they hav always been the voice of strength for me and the voices of peolpe who actually understand wat we r going thru. It's all mental really. we dont care wat happens to us physically, (as long as its not getting fatter! :) Its a mental battle, wen u get down to the root of it. who will win today? the food or my mind? Anywhoos dont want to bore u with my thoughts on E.d. I personally had a beutifull brush with Ana, then went on the down hill path of Mia. (I hate/Love u Mia!!) But now, im trying to reconcile ana, and get back to where i waz.. bak to wen people complimented me,back to wen i wud lay down on the floor, and i cud feel my hipbones.bak to wen the guys actually noticed me, bak to wen i almost collapsed from sheer hunger. bak to wen , even if life lucked, or i had a bad day, it wud all b ok, because atleast then i was thin, loved, and skinnier than them! Wish me luck guys! And stay strong! (P.S sorry 4 the typos hehe).

"Whats life worth living if its not PERFECT!?"