I wanted the title of this post to be something like "The begining", "the promise" or "the vow. " But I've said all things so many times before, theyre begining to lose meaning. Repetitve.
What I want to say is just this: I wont worry aboutthe end result anymore, of my weight goals. But I will do what I have to do, to make sure I am never as heavy as I am now, EVER AGAIN....
That is all. See you on the skinny side, it will take a while, but I will just have to be patient.
<3 good luck to you all's as well :)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Nothing can kill this
"if it easier to die than to live, doesnt it make sense to kill yourself everyday by staying alive?"- just a random thought, I wanted to share
It is self harm in itself sometimes to live, despite so much pain, and bullshit that might be goingon in our lives. My painkillers include, this blog/you guys, my little sister, freinds and a lover, and music and poetry. Although these things only temporarily ease the pain, they are enough. They are the reasons I exist.( Not that I would de without this blog or anything, but you know what i mean.) It's justone of the things that keep me going. And in a way seeing a minor success like on the scale, also helps a little, doesnt it? hmmm...
Well lately i've been losing instead of gaining, so thats a plus. Now I'm just off to read your blogs and chillax...:D
P.S- A phlebotomist is basically a lab assistant/blood and other specimen taker who works in hospitals, blood banks, clinics and the like. XD...was so surprised you didnt know, (peri lol).. But maybe they have another word for it where your from maybe...
<3
It is self harm in itself sometimes to live, despite so much pain, and bullshit that might be goingon in our lives. My painkillers include, this blog/you guys, my little sister, freinds and a lover, and music and poetry. Although these things only temporarily ease the pain, they are enough. They are the reasons I exist.( Not that I would de without this blog or anything, but you know what i mean.) It's justone of the things that keep me going. And in a way seeing a minor success like on the scale, also helps a little, doesnt it? hmmm...
Well lately i've been losing instead of gaining, so thats a plus. Now I'm just off to read your blogs and chillax...:D
P.S- A phlebotomist is basically a lab assistant/blood and other specimen taker who works in hospitals, blood banks, clinics and the like. XD...was so surprised you didnt know, (peri lol).. But maybe they have another word for it where your from maybe...
<3
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Back to normal(ish)..
I have tons of GOOD news to share! First of all to all my 200 followers a biiiiigggggg huuuuuugg!!! Its not about the number of follwers really, that impresses me, but how supportive and non-judgemental you all are! Like angels :))). Okay, enough with the sappy bussiness..lol.
Secondly, I have stopped binging!!! I love it! Im not going to sleep friggin dusgusted with myself and overwhelmed with guilt anymore, its lovely. It was just a sort attitude adjustment that I had to make, you know. From , "oh woe is me, I'll never be thin/good enough", to "I've done it before, and I'll do it again, I refuse to be the fat one an longer!". So yah, it's been about 3-4 days binge free!
And, I've decided on becoming a phlebotomist, you guys! I know its not that much of a career choice, but I think that atleast it's something. I could alwaysin the future, work my self up from there. I am going to be paying for my schooling out of my own pocket! Even if my parents offered to pay, I wouldnt want them to.
Because if I become something, that I thought up myself, and actually make a good decent life for myself, I want to be able to say tomarow, that: "yes, this was my own decision, and mine alone, I helped pick myself off the ground and supported myself". Basically, it will be a declaration of my own independence, and so that they can finally see that I DONT NEED THEM!!!. Sure I love them and all , but I cant stand their having so much power over me. I can make my own decisions, and I've decided. Wish me luck guys!!! :D
Back on-topic though, I've been really slacking on the exercise >_< Muscle stretches, and simple calisthetics, tennis yesturday afternoon, but not, you know A REAL GOOD SWEAT INDUCING WORKOUT!!!. Maybe getting off blogger for awhile would help, hmmmm? lol
Okay guys, I love you and your all sweet words!!! bye for now,
Lets get sexxxyy! ;) ...
Secondly, I have stopped binging!!! I love it! Im not going to sleep friggin dusgusted with myself and overwhelmed with guilt anymore, its lovely. It was just a sort attitude adjustment that I had to make, you know. From , "oh woe is me, I'll never be thin/good enough", to "I've done it before, and I'll do it again, I refuse to be the fat one an longer!". So yah, it's been about 3-4 days binge free!
And, I've decided on becoming a phlebotomist, you guys! I know its not that much of a career choice, but I think that atleast it's something. I could alwaysin the future, work my self up from there. I am going to be paying for my schooling out of my own pocket! Even if my parents offered to pay, I wouldnt want them to.
Because if I become something, that I thought up myself, and actually make a good decent life for myself, I want to be able to say tomarow, that: "yes, this was my own decision, and mine alone, I helped pick myself off the ground and supported myself". Basically, it will be a declaration of my own independence, and so that they can finally see that I DONT NEED THEM!!!. Sure I love them and all , but I cant stand their having so much power over me. I can make my own decisions, and I've decided. Wish me luck guys!!! :D
Back on-topic though, I've been really slacking on the exercise >_< Muscle stretches, and simple calisthetics, tennis yesturday afternoon, but not, you know A REAL GOOD SWEAT INDUCING WORKOUT!!!. Maybe getting off blogger for awhile would help, hmmmm? lol
Okay guys, I love you and your all sweet words!!! bye for now,
Lets get sexxxyy! ;) ...
Monday, July 12, 2010
Epic Failure
I just cant seem to find the motivation anymore!
I feel so stuk :(
Just had A DAYS WORTH of calories for breakfast. I am ashamed, and feel hope is lost. Words seem so empty. I am still empty inside, although not physically, unfortunatly.
Obviously I am not going to eat for the rest of the day. Going to try and exercise all day.
It's not my fault, I didnt even want to be alive this long....urrrrrggghhh.
I guess, Im just going to have to tough it out and try to find that feeling of control again.
I am struggling!!!!!! :(
I feel so stuk :(
Just had A DAYS WORTH of calories for breakfast. I am ashamed, and feel hope is lost. Words seem so empty. I am still empty inside, although not physically, unfortunatly.
Obviously I am not going to eat for the rest of the day. Going to try and exercise all day.
It's not my fault, I didnt even want to be alive this long....urrrrrggghhh.
I guess, Im just going to have to tough it out and try to find that feeling of control again.
I am struggling!!!!!! :(
Sunday, July 11, 2010
yuck yuck yuck yuck
eeeeeeeewwwwwwww! I disgust my self soooo bad, i cant even explain! so i wont.
I've been away awhile trying sort my shit out, and i was doing real good, until about today..:(
but here's the plan. I AAAAAAAMMM BBBBAAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKK!!!!
BETTTTAAA WAATTTCHH OUUUUTTTTT FOOOOLLLLSSS!!! (lol) tee hee
Oh yes, the plan:
from 10 saturday-all sun untill 10 on monday, no eating, (ie 35-36 hr fast!) and exercise hard to make up for 1.5 bad days! and no binging afterwards only below 1500 cals and you have to count calories!!!
I hope you alls are well, and enjoying the summer. Summer sucks for me, cuz i feel so ugly in the sunshine, but i say kiss my fattass if you dont like wat you see, slowly, and steadily, u wont even notice when I'll become the skinny beee--ootch.!!!
:D...someone's had a little too much caffeine..lol
L8r people..mwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaahhhh
I've been away awhile trying sort my shit out, and i was doing real good, until about today..:(
but here's the plan. I AAAAAAAMMM BBBBAAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKK!!!!
BETTTTAAA WAATTTCHH OUUUUTTTTT FOOOOLLLLSSS!!! (lol) tee hee
Oh yes, the plan:
from 10 saturday-all sun untill 10 on monday, no eating, (ie 35-36 hr fast!) and exercise hard to make up for 1.5 bad days! and no binging afterwards only below 1500 cals and you have to count calories!!!
I hope you alls are well, and enjoying the summer. Summer sucks for me, cuz i feel so ugly in the sunshine, but i say kiss my fattass if you dont like wat you see, slowly, and steadily, u wont even notice when I'll become the skinny beee--ootch.!!!
:D...someone's had a little too much caffeine..lol
L8r people..mwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaahhhh
Thursday, July 1, 2010
a reason to be
Im sorry to myself, for breaking all those promises and not even trying before givng up, each and every time.
Im sorry, mind , body and soul, for putting you thruogh this.
I just thought I could push a button, and all the pain would dissapear. Guess I was wrong. It will follow me everywhere I go.
Im not going to cosume anymore for the rest of the day. Going torture myself with buttloads of water and exercise instead. Going to run to the store and buy laxies. (I threw my other bottle away, because I thought I wouldnt need it anymore, guess I was wrong). Then I'll start over brand new tomarow.
I was always wrong. I have to listen to "her" voice. My own voice fattens me up and only brings pain and guilt, because I think I deserve it. "She", thinks there's still something left to save, as long I do as she says.
I get it now. I don't want to live in the first place. Might as well try to make the most of it and make "her" happy. When "she's" happy, Im happy. The world is happy. And things are better.
Better than they are now.
Im sorry, mind , body and soul, for putting you thruogh this.
I just thought I could push a button, and all the pain would dissapear. Guess I was wrong. It will follow me everywhere I go.
Im not going to cosume anymore for the rest of the day. Going torture myself with buttloads of water and exercise instead. Going to run to the store and buy laxies. (I threw my other bottle away, because I thought I wouldnt need it anymore, guess I was wrong). Then I'll start over brand new tomarow.
I was always wrong. I have to listen to "her" voice. My own voice fattens me up and only brings pain and guilt, because I think I deserve it. "She", thinks there's still something left to save, as long I do as she says.
I get it now. I don't want to live in the first place. Might as well try to make the most of it and make "her" happy. When "she's" happy, Im happy. The world is happy. And things are better.
Better than they are now.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I have decided...
hey guyz, sorry i've been gone so long, when i read my comments yesturday i was flabergasted by how amazing you guys are! Absolutly flabergasted. (Allmost 200 followers? whhaaaa??? huuh? ok ..lol) And during my absense, have managed to again hold on to that elusive control! (I just 10 mins ago came back from the kitchen, after fighting my fat little greedy fingers from going aywhere near the junky stuff. I am proud of myself. The weight will come by itself, I just need that control back. Keeing in mind, I am trying to be a bit healthier about this stuff I have new rules:
1.) No binging+no purging. >.< , you can eat till your comfortably satisfied, like once or twice a monh to keep your metabolism up(we are all human ), but no B/p!!! No
2.) one day fast mandatory for anytime that you binge! But you wont binge, so this shoudnt be problem. RIGHT!!???
3.) 1500 cals is your max. You can by all means eat less, but thats the limit. I calculated my bmr+my daily activity, and according to it, if i stick to this, i will always have a deficit of something!
4.) 30+ mins of exercise everyday.
Simple rules, there arent many. I'm not going to let anything get me down. Im going to get to point where I used to be comfortable sharing my weight again. Remember those times? Yeah, I want that back so bad! :D
It'll happen, give in time.
In other news, I have decided that I will elope and get married to the man I love :P!!! :D. Im exited!! not yet ofcourse maybe in 2-3 years, im only 19! He's 18 now, our birthdays are 3 months apart, so for 3 months we are the same age, untill May comes again and then Im a year older lol. I remember a conversation we had a year ago, we were both virgins x_X, and he was like "where is it written that a 17 year old (him) cant f#*k a 18 yr old? (me)" lol. AndI told him, "umm in the law books, I could get aressted for raping you! ROFL :P". But yeah, we are crazy for each other :DD (remember he's the one with the totally different religion, tee hee). We were talking one day, and to us, it only makes sense to marry the one that we are truly in love with are we right? So it only makes sense. And now adays my parents piss me off sooo bad, and my boyfreind is really well off and rich and stable already, I just want to get away as soon as i can you know?
My dad called me a mf-bI*$h. :( I've never really done anything wrong. Never did drugs, i dont have a baby like most of my freinds do already!!, I've always given up money when they needed it, I cook, I clean, Im polite, always got good grades in school, so wtf????!! I dont know why they treat me like this. My mom is so rascist, it breaks my heart. I have to get away. The day I was on my knee, holding a bottleof pills, writing suicide letters to him (the bf and my little sister), the only thing that kept me sane, was knowing how this would be so unfair for my boyfreind. He's why i didnt do it. Lol, call me crazy, but I think my idiot parents will forgive me someday. What do you guys think? hmmm.. I love him a lot!
In the mean time I have got to get rich enough, (financailly more stable), thin thin thin, (bf is thin, he's trying to buff up, it's kind a cute lol), and become more independent. I feel they are only my parents in name now. I despise them. grrrrrr....
To love!!!! :DDD <3
1.) No binging+no purging. >.< , you can eat till your comfortably satisfied, like once or twice a monh to keep your metabolism up(we are all human ), but no B/p!!! No
2.) one day fast mandatory for anytime that you binge! But you wont binge, so this shoudnt be problem. RIGHT!!???
3.) 1500 cals is your max. You can by all means eat less, but thats the limit. I calculated my bmr+my daily activity, and according to it, if i stick to this, i will always have a deficit of something!
4.) 30+ mins of exercise everyday.
Simple rules, there arent many. I'm not going to let anything get me down. Im going to get to point where I used to be comfortable sharing my weight again. Remember those times? Yeah, I want that back so bad! :D
It'll happen, give in time.
In other news, I have decided that I will elope and get married to the man I love :P!!! :D. Im exited!! not yet ofcourse maybe in 2-3 years, im only 19! He's 18 now, our birthdays are 3 months apart, so for 3 months we are the same age, untill May comes again and then Im a year older lol. I remember a conversation we had a year ago, we were both virgins x_X, and he was like "where is it written that a 17 year old (him) cant f#*k a 18 yr old? (me)" lol. AndI told him, "umm in the law books, I could get aressted for raping you! ROFL :P". But yeah, we are crazy for each other :DD (remember he's the one with the totally different religion, tee hee). We were talking one day, and to us, it only makes sense to marry the one that we are truly in love with are we right? So it only makes sense. And now adays my parents piss me off sooo bad, and my boyfreind is really well off and rich and stable already, I just want to get away as soon as i can you know?
My dad called me a mf-bI*$h. :( I've never really done anything wrong. Never did drugs, i dont have a baby like most of my freinds do already!!, I've always given up money when they needed it, I cook, I clean, Im polite, always got good grades in school, so wtf????!! I dont know why they treat me like this. My mom is so rascist, it breaks my heart. I have to get away. The day I was on my knee, holding a bottleof pills, writing suicide letters to him (the bf and my little sister), the only thing that kept me sane, was knowing how this would be so unfair for my boyfreind. He's why i didnt do it. Lol, call me crazy, but I think my idiot parents will forgive me someday. What do you guys think? hmmm.. I love him a lot!
In the mean time I have got to get rich enough, (financailly more stable), thin thin thin, (bf is thin, he's trying to buff up, it's kind a cute lol), and become more independent. I feel they are only my parents in name now. I despise them. grrrrrr....
To love!!!! :DDD <3
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