130.6

    So I think the 4 pounds was a false alarm. I went to the bathroom last night (#2 ;), lol, and this morning I was back to a weight where I didnt feel like a failure.

   But man, I need some kind of a workout routine. I have a jump rope that I use for a little cardio. I just try to jump until I cant jump anymore. I have got a new job, and I love it, but it is so unpredictable. I never know when Im going to have a day off, and I work 11 hours a day! It's money that me and my hubby as a newly wed couple despreatly need, but it leaves no time for working out. I only get 1 day off a week.

  So, like thanks for commenting guy's. Make's weight-obbsessed girls like me feel a little less alone in the world...

Determined!

I've put on 5 pounds since getting married and my last post. Where has all my self control gone? I thought after getting married I would stop with this e.d stuff, but I guess not. I turn into a fat slob if I dont have Ana on my side. The pounds could also be because I went off my contraceptives. I hope they go away soon. But we all know that hoping doesnt get us anywhere, action does. So Im back and I'm here to stay. 5 pounds is nothing, I'll blast through them. Maybe its even water weight? It all crept up on me in like a week! Well if i can gain 5 pounds in a week, then I can lose them too!!!!

I am determined!!! >:)

and p.s i would upload some wedding pix, but im super scared of someone finding out who i am ...

nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!!!

A relief

   So I actually only put on a few ounces from last nights binge/purge. Im not even up a pound! Im still 129. I'm so releived. But Im still fasting. Still going to excercise. My new goal is to be the thinnest! So no more excuses. I have to be strict on myself, if I wanna look good in my wedding dress and pictures and stuff. I want my fiance to be proud of me. Not cringe and be ashamed of my chubbiness.

   Speaking of which. Do any of you feel so numb and emotionless the morning after a purge? My fiance was like cheer-up, blah blah blah. I wasnt sad. I was very happy at staying the same weight and all. I just felt (and still do) emotionless. Maybe it's loss of energy/ because I'm fasting? That must be it...

   Ah, well, i'll try my best to atleast act happy/normal. Love you guy's!

129.3 and ummmm

I was 129.3 pounds this morning! :)

Then me and fiance got into a huge fight, in which several family members got involved. But its all cool now.

I am binging on sandwich cookies right now as I type this.

Tonight I puke it all up as soon as the bathroon is free.

Tomarow I am doing a 48 hour water fast + jumping a lot of rope, because I bought a jump rope after reading that its great excercise. And other calorie burning activities. When I went to pick up my cousin from school today I felt kinda weak. I want to feel that way again sooo bad! Maybe I'll even fast longer than 48 hours, we shall see.

That is all. And thank you so much to the one and only comment that i got for my last post. Lovely Bones, I really appreciate it. Sometimes just a few words can be so helpful....

P.S = Fuck my life ,, cuz its been 30 minx and the bathroom iz still buzy and i take my fucking birth control at this time. This is the worst day ever. I cant wait to starve....:( *edit* I just got back from purging. I totally blocked their toilet. I had such a great weigh-in but this day sucked!! I hope the next 2 days in which i will be fasting will go by better ...:)

Pleasant surprises...

    So yesturday I had two fiber bar's after dinner, and I was freaking out that I might have gained. The wedding is less than 3 weeks away... (Unexpected stuff keeps postponing it, which is fine by me, because that means more time to drop more pounds!). 

    But, lo-and behold, I actually lost a few ounces. (Dont even ask how gassy I was through out thru-out the night and morning, omg)..lol. But now I'm fine, and very pleased with not maintaining but actually, but with seeing the lower numbers. I allowed myself a small breakfast after this.

    But man, why do I still feel soooooo fat??? Excersise. I need excersise.... I'm gunna go for a walk soon...or atleast do some yoga in my room...lol --anything to burn some calories around here.

    Thank you all so much for sticking with me, until I could see the 120's. I never thought I could even manage this, but this just go's to show that anything is possible, you just need the drive!!! I wish you all a skinny tuesday/wednesday for now, and please wish me the same in your lovely little hearts...

Ciao, for now.....xoxoxox

129.9!!!!

     Finally!!

Now let's see how much farther I can go. You can never be too rich or too skinny ;)

hey again...

   Last morning's weigh-in had me at 130.2 pounds. That's a whole pound loss! I havent seen this number since I was 13 years old! Im 20 btw. I think it was the swimming that helped.

    I have also just started on the birth-control pill "Levora". Have any of you guy's been on this same pill? Or have you any horrible weight gain stories from other birth control pills? I've read ton's on the web >.< It's been 3 day's only taking it so far, and so far so good. I'm so scared of gaining more than 4 pounds from it, that now I've gotten super strict on calulating my intakes and making sure I'm alway's active and not on my lazy ass all day. I dont want kid's for another 7 years or so, hehehe. I work so hard too keep myself thin, I dont want to ruin it all with a baby. Just not yet.

    I'm so close to the 120's I can allmost taste it! (no pun intended). I don't even remember the last time I was in the 120's. I honestly dont. That's how long it's been...

    Had a discussion with the fiance about why my eating disorder makes me so sad, and feel like I am the worst person in the world sometimes. I even told him how I'd lost 19-20 pounds since febuary (about the time we really began to get seriouse). I told him I had even brought a scale with me across the states in my suitcase. After bearing my soul, I cried.

    Afterall, at the end of the day, I cant help but to have the scale measure my happiness for the day.

    He was just like, that's 9 kg's lost. And I was like i guess. And then he went on to blame my parent's for my eating problem's. Which is so like men. To find the source of the problem and to fix it. Fix it right away. He told me, he'd promise to love me no matter what. Let's wait and watch.

    I tried to comment back on all of your blogs. The one's on my feed, and to those lovely gal's who commented on my last post...Sorry if I didnt. It's getting kinda late here, and I'll let you all know about the wedding as it get's nearer. Yes, there wil be pictures :) Thank You all for your wishes!!!!
<3

It could have been worse...

    Last night I decided I was doing really good, and that now would be the perfect time for a binge. (NOT). Well the thing is, and I know I need to work on this, is that I am a very emotional eater. My visa to another country hasnt come back yet. And if my visa doesnt come back, neither does my passport, and if my passport doesnt come back, I'm not getting married until I get a replacement passport, and no marraige, no kids, no happily ever after. Just Kidding. But seriously, they said it would only take 5 days. It has been now close to 9 days!!! So the stress built up and I binged. But I purged a little bit. As much as I could.

    I hate purging in other people's homes, especially the lovely new in-laws home.

    Well I should mention that I had had nothing but barely 100 calories all day, and was all day shopping in a ridiculouse amount of heat. Yeah yeah no excuses.

    So today, I fasted until about 3pm. Just had a snack, and aunty is making dinner. Because I dont want to hurt her feelings, I'll have to eat it. Pooey. But I just got back from learning how to swim. Yes learning. For the first time. I am 20 years old, and I am now being taught how to swim by my 5 year old cousin. We were out there for a good 2 hours, so I hope I burned some seriouse calories.

    I also learned that my BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) is about 1450 calories. That's how many calories I would expend just by being alive and staying in bed all day. Somehow, I find this hard to believe.

    Thats all for now. Love you guys <3
 

It's been age's!

    Hi guys! Wow, I havent posted since about July 20th or so! Well, I did move out of the house, with two suitcases to another state, and now I'm living with my fiance's family, until our wedding which will be in about 2 weeks or so!!! So, I've been a bit busy, and flustered. That's why, no time to post, but I swear I have been keeping up with some of my favorite blogs, and now that I'm in a better frame of mind, I will also start commenting more too! (Yay, for high speed internet at my in-laws~!)

   Weight-loss wise I've lost a measly 2 pounds since my last post. So, now I'm 131. But I'm not sad about this at all, because this is my lowest weight that I've attained in the past through restricting! (Although last time, bulimia ruined it all, but not this time!!!)

  My goal for my wedding day is to be in my 120's. I think I can do it. I have a 5 year old neice who keeps me active and an aunt who loves to shop. So I barely ever have time to eat much. Even my aunt has noticed that I dont eat much. And I'm the only vegetarian in the house as well. Ah, all the foods i dont have to eat, thanks to vegetarianism! I love it! I'm only vegetarian for diet reasons, not religous, and I guess I have a soft spot for animals too...

   I dont think I'm that thin. My niece was like you dont drink enough milk, that's why your so skinny. And little kids say the truth, even if its brutal. (Not that this was brutal, but you know what I'm saying, atleast I hope you do).

   Oh, and also, I hope you guy's like the new layout...:)

That's it for now, Love You Guys!! <3

I screwed up...

But I will not repeat my mistake.

This has only made me MORE determined than before...



133.4 Plateau busted...

   I've blasted through that plateau. It took an hours worth of excercise after dinner, and all your lovely comments to get past it. And I did....When I told my fiance, I woke up late because I was exhausted from my workout, he told me not to workout, and that I'm weak. Exactly. I'm weak. But not in the way he thinks. I want to be stronger. Thru control.

   So, i've also just realized, that I'm at 133.4 pounds, I am 2 pounds aways from my lowest weight. Dont get me wrong, I am extremly happy. Even my dad has noticed the weight loss. I have now lost 18 pounds, since February. Slowly, but steadily. About 6 pounds, until I'll feel anywhere close to "bride-worthy".

   One thing I've learned, through-out my struggles as a binge-eater, then binge/purger, is that no amount of whining or crying will get you anywhere. I cried a lot. I could have swallowed that whole bottle of pills that one day, when I had given up on myself. I could have. I struggled a lot since then. Always fighting with myself. Fighting with my family, with the fiance (believe me, these fights were epic). Until, I read somewhere that in order to really permanantly change anything about us. In order to get thinner, We must love ourselves as we are now, or how will we ever love ourselves, when we are thinner?

   I can now say, that I stopped reaching for those pills. I stopped fighting with everyone including myself. Instead, I decided to love that clinically over weight 151 pound girl that february month. If I hadn't, I dont think I would have able to see 133.4 and normal on the scale this morning.

But even though I may love myself. I think I'll love myself a lot more, when I'm good enough. By that I mean "thin-enough, bony enough, etc".

Take Care ladies, Lotx of luuuuuuuuuuurrrrvvvvvveeeeee (love). <3

Battle Plan: 134.6

   The reason I post my weight with my title, is because I think it kind of help's keep me on track. Seeing that number, reminds me that's I'm still not good enough, and to keep me a litle more accountable, when all the readers of blogger can see it too!

Uggghhh...

   Yesturday, I binged and purged. I know, I know I suck. But it usually only happens about once a month. I was feeling so peckish. And there was icecream. And I hadnt felt the feeling of fullness in so long. *sigh* Well the good news is, is that even afer yesturday's madness, I only went up .2 ounces. Let me tell you, nothing quiet knocks you out, like an intense purging session. I slept so well, because I was exhausted. I dont plan on doing it again soon either. Old habits, they die hard.

   As for the platau, that I seem to be maintaining. I have a plan. I really appreciated your comments on my last post. They were so useful, Im glad I made that post otherwise, I would still be very anxious...!

   I think what I've been doing wrong is, going over my calories, and not realizing it. Or eating too much at 1 meal, then slowing down my metablism, by starving the resting of the day. So I will just have to be more strict. And make sure to increase my activity level.

   I know what must be done. Now lets do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! p.s thats not me, but I wouldnt mind lookin like that..


.

plateauing at 134-135 ish :(

The title of the post say's it all.

In the begining, the weght come's off like it's nothing, without hardly any effort.

Thus, I have concluded, that I'm going to have to start starving myself, if I want to continue seeing any sort of results....

But then I remind myself of all those tips and tricks, and exercise's there are to be utilized. And it's not really starving. It's taking control. Of your body, of your life. I hope...

Morning Update: 134.6 ! :D

I hope that most, if not all of the weight I'm losing is fat, and not muscle.

Gonna do some weight training, along with the cardio today, just to ease this worry...

Today, I didnt want to put my clothes back on, after weighing myself, I just felt so sexy, in my black panty's and bra. I felt I looked good. I liked what I saw. Flat stomach, sligtly less jiggiling thighs and shoulders. Weird....

Indeed XD

135.4

Whoo, I'm down 4 ounces...:P

I'm eating perfectly fine, but I always start to get super hungry in the evenings. Grrr...like I am right now. Maybe I'll have some more chai tea. Yes. Yes, I will.

So, I randomly purchased pure green tea, because I had read somewhere that it helps in weight loss. I dont know if it does or not, but I feel I've waisted my money, cuz I really dont like the taste...blegghh...

And I finally figured out to measure my vital statistics correctly, and if I have done them right, they are a very ginormous: 35-bust, 27-waist, and 41-thighs. Which also means that I have a Waist to hip ratio , or (WHR) of about 0.6, which is considered ideal, and most attractive to men. Wowza...I do have some thunder thighs ...Look the term up (Waist to hip ratio and attractiveness), I found it all very interesting.

Nothing else is new, except that I'm loving how it's FINALLY warming up some over here temprature wise..!



"That 'Someday', is not faraway, I daresay..."

So I have about 8-10 pounds until, I've reached my goal. I swear the last few pounds always are the hardest, and where I've screwed my own progress up in the past. This time, I dont want history to repeat itself. I want to cross this sort made-up "finish line"  I have in my head. Of me, getting to the 120's. And more importantly, staying there.

That's all for now. Hope you all have wonderful, day's or night's, depending...:D

135.8

    So, first of all thanks, on my choice of dress, and for the engagement. When I'll be in the dress, I'll post some pix of me in it :)

    Speaking of pix, I've been thinking of posting progress pictures, on my weight loss. But, I feel that I have a tiny bit more to lose before I'll do that. 

    In about febuary,I wieghed 151 pounds. I am now 135.8 pounds. So, there is most definatly progress, but I'd like to tone up my arms and legs and tummy, just a tad more. Ultimate goal (for now) being in between 125-129, is when i'll post the pictures too :)


In between Febuary and July, passed 5 months. And in those 5 months I lost 16 pounds. That's an average of about 3.2 pounds a month. Pitifull, I know XD.

   Hmmm...I binge/purged maybe 4 times, in all of those 5 months :D. I did a lot more excersize purging type behavior though, now that I think of it.

So that was just a lil summary, of stuff, today I cried a lot. Cuz me and the boy got into an argument. I'm proud of the fast that i didnt take my anger out on food.

Food will only make you feel worse. Not better, so think twice.

Thats it for now. I like reading your blogs more than i like actually blogging my own :PPP

Wow, its been toooo long!

So, its been quiet a while since I've blogged. But Im back...

I'm also a bride-to-be...!

So we all know what this means.

GET SKINNY AS FUCKK!!! ;)

   Currently the weight is a solid 136. It had gone down to about 134, just last week, before I binged a few days back. It's absolutly ridiculouse how 1 or 2 binges, can do sooo much damage!

Angry at myself, but also all the more determined now. 

   Now, it's not only about getting skinny for me, it's for my to be hubby as well. The wedding is planned to be in september, god willing everything go's ok. I'm so excited you guys!

   This blog and all the new and old people that are my followers, you guys are all so cool. I feel as if we've all been there for each other, thru good times and bad, and its just awesum. This blog is about 2 years old, and just wow...We all want thinness and happiness, and whatever all your goals might be, I hope you guys all achieve em!

   As for me. I know I gotta get to inbetween 125-129 pounds before the big day. (Though the boy love's me the way I am, and says he loves my smaller upper body, and "wide going down to the hips")   

Yah, enuff said. Time to get rid of some thigh and hips!!!!!

   So far, to compensate for those past 2 days of over-eatingness, i promised myself, that I'd eat under 1,000 calories a day, for 3 days only to make up for it. Im just rounding up day two. And im slightly headachy right now, but chugging loads of water, taking my vitamins and making smart choices.

   Im not Ana, but used to be MIA, I just want to be healthy now. It's just 3 days. Then afterwards its back to inbetween 1,200-1,350 calories a day, of healthy goodness, and loads of excersice. 

   For the wedding, those are my weight goals, I could always go lower, later.

   Okay, now im just rambling soo much! Just had so much to say and all. Read some comments too, from the last post. And I felt left out in this little loving community, so now im back, and im going to post everyday, or atleast try to.....

Toodledoo for now ....and stay strong!

P.S, below I'm posting a picture of what I want my wedding dress to look simular too. It's an Indian bridal dress, since im indian by ethnicity, it only makes sense... xxoo

I can work that! ;)

139!

Ok, so im out of the 140's again! Woohoo! Now, just 9 more pounds till the 120's.

I havent been in the 120's since, i dont know, 5th grade???? (I was one fat kid, my weight once topped of at about 187 pounds :(..lol, i've mentioned this before, but I just cant seem to get over it.)

The only problem, is that it's going reallllyyyy slow! Im only losing about a pound week. Oh well, atleast its something. Just gotta workout more this means! :D

So far clear of binges. Dont want to go their! The feeling of fullness that comes after a binge, is SOOOO not worth it....

Whilst i happened to be skyping with a freind of mine, i was sitting in the dark with a low necked shirt, and i guess the  light off the computer monitor, made shadows appear bigger. And he was like "ur so skinny" and that he could "see right through my bones". I happen to have very prominent collarbones, and as I lose weight, they become even more defined. I told him that I think Im kinda fat, and he was like "God No, Ew".
He has no idea, this is just the begining...........! <3
Stay strong Lovely's!!!!

new motto: "I wanna be so skinny, that I'm never compared to a fat person again..."

Catherine Mc'Neal, someone once said I looked a bit like her,, now she's my favorite model...:) (all these pix are of her...enjoy)

Stay Strong ladies, your stronger than you think are...!!!

Awards!!!!!

Oh peri,,*facedesk* :D Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to pass it on to her...!

I also wanted to thank *Hazel*, over at Thinner than Yesturday, for giving me this award!!!! :

Can you believe I've just now figured out how add pictures like this? I am sloooowwww ....

Well the rules of this award, say that I have to:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift- Done! :)

2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.
 
Here's 7 things about your's truly...:
 
1.) I am super insecure and possesive in relationships. And thats an understatement, just ask my boyfreind, i dont know how he puts up with me :D
 
2.) I was born in Canada, but raised in America, Im indian (from india), by ethnicity.
 
3.) I am 100% lacto-ovo vegetarian, since about 10h grade, (for religouse, moral and health reasons).
 
4.) I am going to be a novelist some day. Preferably one that rivals J.k Rowling and Stephanie Meyers'.
 
5.) I have yet to get into any type of vehicle collision, (i've had my drivers licence for 3 years now).
 
6.) I used to weigh about 187 pounds at the age of 13, with a height of 5'3". SMH...
 
and last but not least numero 7 : I plan on leaving my family in August, to marry the man I love, while leaving only a note behind. They are super strict Indian parents and would never want me in a "love marraige", especailly with a guy of a different religion. I dont hate my family but i do think that they are painfully controlling and that led to a lot of my horrible spells of bulimia and binge eating and depression. And they'll come around someday... I reassure myself that i have control this way, and that i can live as an adult (im legally an adult after all!). I'm chasing my dreams, because at the end of the day, aren't they what keep us truly live?
 
And now, 10 newly discovered or followed blogs that I think are awesomsauce, (in no particular order):
 
1.) Hazel (not really a newly discoverd blog, but rules are made to be broken). You are even stronger than me and a lot of people I know...
2.) Zette
3.) Vagabond at "The Monsters are back from the Night" they said. Then it rained sea water from my eyes.
4.) Battle in mind
5.) Lillie Flower
6.) Chubbie Cupcake
7.) A
8.) Peace Love Skinny
9.) Starving myself pretty
10.) The hungry Caterpilla
 
You guys rock!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 

I think this here is called a platau...

Platauing and a bit frustrated.

Thanks "battleinmind", for your lovely comment...I hope too, that someday that we will all have enough confidence to stop comparing our selves to others so much ..

This is day 2 of not binging. Had a great 30 minute jog yesturday in the evening, along with the fast. (I didnt feel at all like jogging without having eaten, but it felt great!).

Life is good here in seattle, the sun is out. I wish I had a workout buddy or something, it gets kind of lonely counting calories on my own.

A freind of mine asked how i lost weight, she's just had a baby. And I told her how to count calories, etc...It felt good though. That someone was asking me for advice. Like maybe, I am doing something right. Im really not trying to become underweight or unhelathy. On the contrary, I like to think of my self as a healthy living advocate, and Im vegetarian too! lol, have been for about 5 years now...

And this post is all over the place right now, just rambly rambled ....

Stay Strong Chica's and Chico's!!! :D

Jealousy

As of late, I've been more jealouse then usual. Of girls who happen to be thinner and/or prettier than me. Tell me why, I just feel so angry when I see them? No, not angry. More like frustration. So much frustration, I'm letting it get to me, grrr... Yestuday I b/ped (tottally not planned, cause I'd been doing so well, I thought one binge woud be ok. But then I woke up the next morning, I hadnt gained a pound, but there was no decent food in the house. 

So we went food shopping. Saw, an eviously skinny chick with the most gorgouse chocolaty brown hair , (im not lesbian, but she was really pretty). And then immediatly started comparing her to me. She was the same height as me, but a good 25 pounds or so lighter..grrr lol...

And then, and I dont why i do this either, but I start to wonder if their so many girls better looking than me out there, my boyfreind might regret marrying me this coming august...Im scared you guys.

The pressure is too much.

After food shopping, I b/ped again. But didnt manage to purge up as much last nights, that happens. I dont care, I plan on fasting tomorow and working this frustraion off. Im also going to post, everyday, to allow me to keep track of how many days i'v gone without binging! So tomarow will be day one, and so on.

To end on a good note, my boyfreind did happen to tell me once that: "whether you believe it or not. There’s billion’s of pretty girls out there. But I only want you...."

And that is why I'm lucky.

But still, this is for my self!!! This is for skinny jeans, bikini's and bones, For enviouse glances, twords meeeeeeeee!!!!...Stay strong people!!!! <3

Im loooosssiinggg!!!

It's nothing short of a miracle to me anyway...

What one of the bloggers wrote recently really got to me She wrote "Their is no such thing as big boned, thats just an excuse". I think before I was using this excuse a lot and, using my saddness as an excuse to eat. A lot of people do that. What we have to remember is that, and this is crucial:

EATING MAKES YOU FEEL WORSE!!!

And since the beggining of febuary, i have lost 9 pounds already, and I'm on a roll...
Bone's, skinny jeans and bikini's here I come!!!
We can do this!!!
ttyl...

Never Enough

Never smart enough,
never good enough,
never pretty enough,
never lovable enough,
never bones enough,

to have kept you.....

Hey everyone!

Guess who's back? Bwahahahaha...its me....Razzo Spazzo ...aka Raz...

So why have I been gone so long when I had said i'd be back for good?
Because thats what I tend to do. Leave things half finished.

But I am NOT going to live the rest of my life fat. Im not going to settle for a blog, that I left behind, like a forgotten dream. This dream of thin.

The weight that I had gained over the summer (because of my break-down regarding a certain job loss), Im slowly losing, (im already back down on the path of skinny again.) With a totally better job.

Because I dont want to be the fat one anymore. (I HAVE NO REGRETS, I KNOW IM A FATTASS< BUT ISNT THAT WHY WE ARE ALL HERE TO CHANGE? SUPPORT ME AND I'LL ALWAYS SUPPORT YOU GUYS.) :)

Weight Goals! (From Feb-July)



Starting weight:150


Currently: 146 ew ew ew i know :'(


Weight lost so far: 4 pounds


Need to lose (in total): 23 pounds! 


More pounds to go: 19

 1st: 145
2nd: 141
3rd: 137
4rth:133
5th: 129
6th: 125


Ending Weight
***Keep your weight at 125-129  …*** (i mite go lower, we'll c, i've never been in 120's since 5th grade or so. And im big boned so the weight loss does tend to make me look too gaunt/ freaks my parents out, seriously not making this up, i'll post a pic of my clavicles sometime, there huge!...)




So what has happened today? Ummm...too many cheese puffs. Other than that, i really cant remember the last i've binged and im really happy about that! I have a strong urge to purge, but i drank a butt load of water to get rid of that feeling. Have you guys ever noticed that initially drinkng a lot of warm water to the point of feeling full makes you feel super fat because it enlarges your belly?. But after its all gone (ie peed away), you feel even hungrier than before. Well before that happens im going to hit the bed.

You see, this times going to be different. This time I know my body more, understand it, and what I need to lose weight. And this blog is one of them, so thanks guys! Before and After pix will come after i've acheived these goals. This is it you guys. It's now or never.

P.S Oh, yeah did I mention im getting married in october? because the boy purposed :)...gotta getta skinny, gotta get skinny. Im going to be the most beautifull bride anyone's ever seen...hehehe...